Not Feeling the Holiday Spirit? A Therapist's Guide to Surviving the Season

The holidays can be a divisive season. Some love them, full of glee as they eagerly race to pick up their Christmas tree before December can begin, hanging lights throughout their home, placing an elf on some unassuming shelf. Others can feel plagued by them, afflicted by the family gatherings and financial pressure often accompanying the holidays.

This year, many may be somewhere in between. Former holiday fanatics might have their spirit zapped due to global heaviness, whether wealth disparities, global conflict, or climate concerns. Feeling joyless in a season where joy is expected can be especially isolating.

This time of year can also be risky. Those who struggle with addiction are more likely to relapse during the holidays due to the uptick in social events. The winter blues happen to coincide with the holiday season, making those who struggle with seasonal affective disorder especially vulnerable to hardship during this time of year. Even the pressure of gift-giving can lead some to experience such intense financial stress they fall into food insecurity.

So, what do you do if you’re feeling like the Grinch? Roll your sleeves up—we’re going to get real, find some support, and make a game plan.

Take Inventory

Let’s begin by pinpointing what is causing you the most turmoil. This may be obvious for many – you might feel triggered to start drinking again thanks to the stress of the season, or you know that the sun setting early is the culprit for your sadness. But others might have a harder time discerning what is going on. 

Begin tracking how you’re feeling on the day-to-day. You can journal, use a mood-tracking app, or implement a brief walk where you reflect at the end of your day. Doing this lets you see a pattern of what may be activating your negative feelings. There may be a few things, so once you’ve grasped the key issues, grab a journal and write them down. 

Find Alternatives

You’ve got your triggers written down – let’s make a plan. If you struggle with substance use and are experiencing cravings, it is time to start taking steps to ensure you avoid relapsing. If you’re part of a 12-step program, you may want to up your meeting attendance. If not, consider reaching out to a therapist (Open Path Collective offers a sliding scale in case your budget is stretched thin).

If it is money fueling the discomfort, let’s strategize how you can cut down the financial expectations associated with the holidays. Instead of giving gifts, you can offer meaningful time spent with loved ones or opt for thoughtful, low-cost trinkets, like a used book with a kind note written on the front page. Let’s take it a step further. Hosting can be another costly issue with the holidays. Don’t be afraid to get honest with your loved ones and let them know that while you’ll happily come to their gatherings, you will not be hosting.

Speaking of loved ones and family gatherings – if holiday events are particularly stressful because you dread interacting with particular people, it is time to see how this can shift. Simply avoiding holiday gatherings altogether isn’t possible for most. Instead, see how you can shift the tradition. Can you bring a friend along for moral support? Or, consider “bookending” your attendance by planning something that feels good right after the event. This can serve as a reason to leave early, should you need one, and help you get through the stressful situation. 

If you have the financial privilege, energy, and interest, you can also consider hosting a neutral gathering at your place. You can offer this option instead of attending your family members’ events and can set your boundaries. For example, perhaps it is just coffee and croissants in the morning for a couple of hours, or maybe you enforce a strict no-alcohol rule at any gatherings held on your turf.

Set Your Expectations

Be honest with yourself – will engaging with family members cause you harm? Are you at risk of harming yourself, be it through arguments or drinking, if you attend a certain gathering? If so, are you avoiding it because you fear setting a boundary? It isn’t uncommon to engage in unhealthy behavior to avoid hard conversations and boundary-setting. The truth is it is hard to engage with people who hurt you, and it is hard to set a boundary. Choose which version of hard is more likely to lead you to the outcome you’re hoping for. 

Amp Up Your Support

Support doesn't only mean therapy sessions or support groups. It also means rethinking how you support yourself. Get honest about your sleep hygiene, diet, and daily choices. Getting good rest bolsters your decision-making skills, so try your best to prioritize sleep. See where you might have draining people in your life, and get comfortable minimizing the time you spend with them.

When discussing the woes of the holiday season with clients, I underscore the importance of taking action. Moving through the holiday months glumly can be tempting, but there is room to carve out the space you need to nurture yourself. We don’t owe holiday spirit to anyone – but we do owe truth, care, and honesty to ourselves.