Worried You and Your Partner Are Sexually Incompatible? Watch Out for These Signs

Sex isn’t the only thing that’s important in a relationship, but when it isn’t happening regularly or when you and your partner aren’t on the same wavelength about what turns the other person on, relationships can definitely get rocky.

“Sexual incompatibility is when partners aren't on the same page in terms of their sexual desires, needs, and preferences,” says Brooke Keels, PhD, LPC, chief clinical officer at Lighthouse Recovery. “Maybe one partner wants sex more often than the other, or they have different interests and boundaries in the bedroom.” Sexual incompatibility can also refer to a general lack of emotional connection during sex, she adds.

If you are experiencing sexual incompatibility in your relationship—or worried that you might be—we’ve got you covered. We’re going to take a deep dive into what sexual incompatibility is, what it looks like, and factors that may be contributing. But won’t leave you hanging: We’ll also share some expert-driven tips and strategies for dealing with sexual incompatibility.

Understanding Sexual Incompatibility

Here’s the thing: true sexual incompatibility is pretty rare, and it’s almost always fixable. More often it's a matter of having different preferences. The good news is, while at first these differences might be perceived as an incompatibility, they're certainly not impossible to overcome.

According to Hanna Basel, LICSW, CST, licensed independent clinical social worker and certified sex therapist, most couples aren’t 100% sexually incompatible. “More often it’s not sexual incompatibility; it’s just sexual differences or desire discrepancy,” Basal says. “I would say at least 90 percent of the time with some creativity, with some real work, with some reflection, with an outside voice, we can find some work around, some way to stay in a relationship.”

In most cases, sexual incompatibility is really just a lack of communication issue or a lack of knowledge issue, Basel explains. “It’s not knowing how to work with these differences that leads people to feeling hopeless and ‘incompatible,’” she describes.

The problem is that when these factors aren’t addressed, relationships can take a hit. This makes sense, as research has found that perceived sexual satisfaction is closely linked to relationship satisfaction.

Understanding sexual incompatibility—and addressing it when needed—is an important aspect of maintaining a solid relationship. “Regardless of the specific issue, sexual incompatibility is important to address because it can lead to feelings of frustration, resentment, and disconnect between partners,” Keels emphasizes. “Ignoring these differences can ultimately damage the relationship and may even lead to infidelity or separation if not addressed.”

Signs and Symptoms of Sexual Incompatibility

It’s totally common to wonder if what you’re experiencing is sexual incompatibility … or something else. Keels shared some of the typical signs of sexual incompatibility:

• Reduced excitement in the bedroom
• Lack of enthusiasm about sex
• Feeling unsatisfied or unfulfilled sexually
• A notable difference in libido (sexual interest) between you and your partner
• Feeling generally distanced from your partner, as sex and connection are closely linked
• Physical intimacy often feels forced or unnatural
• Lack of chemistry between you and your partner
• You may simply not feel a strong desire for your partner
• You may struggle to enjoy physical intimacy with your partner

A frequent dynamic seen in sexual incompatibility is when one partner avoids intimacy, and the other partner ends up feeling rejected or frustrated, says Sophie Cress, a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT).

“In therapy, I’ve seen couples where one partner desires adventurous experiences, while the other prefers routine, leading to tension,” Cress describes. Unaddressed issues like these “can create a cycle of frustration and distance if communication isn’t prioritized early on,” Cress explains.

Factors Contributing to Sexual Incompatibility

There are many factors that can impact sexual incompatibility, including personal trauma, resentment in a relationship, anxiety, or difficulties with self image, says Basel. “We are all coming to the table with differences or seeming incompatibilities,” she notes. Factors like differences in sleep patterns, cleanliness, eating habits, self-care, or parenting styles can contribute too, Basel adds.

Different Sexual Interests And Preferences

When it comes to sexual incompatibility, partners often have different sexual interests and desires. “This can include a variety of factors, such as specific kinks or fantasies, positions, or even levels of experimentation,” Keels says.

So for instance, you might be super turned on by certain types of dirty talk that don't come as naturally to your partner, and your partner might love it when you wear certain things you aren't used to wearing. When we realize our partner isn't reading our minds during sex we become self-conscious about what we desire and oftentimes will suppress our deeper fantasies or turn-ons. The truth is, your partner will almost always want to make you feel as sexy and turned on as possible, so you should never feel ashamed or worried about what you want in bed.

“When you're not on the same page with your partner in terms of what you enjoy and feel comfortable with, it can create tension and conflict within the relationship.”

Communication Barriers

“Our partners aren't mind readers,” Keels points out. “If we don't openly communicate our needs and desires, how can they know what makes us happy in the bedroom?” Poor communication or a lack of conversations around sex is a huge contributing factor when it comes to sexual incompatibility. “For example,” Keels says, “one partner may feel too embarrassed or uncomfortable to share their desires, which can lead to frustration and misunderstandings.”

Communication and Relationship Strategies

The best way to become a more sexually compatible couple is to engage in a bit of sex talk. No, not necessarily that kind of sex talk (though that can’t hurt!), but open conversations about how you’re feeling in terms of your sexual relationship.

“Open, non-judgmental communication is key,” says Cress. “Partners should express their desires, boundaries, and concerns in a safe space without fear of judgment or rejection.” She suggests formally scheduling time for talking about your sex life, as well as scheduling time for intimacy and experimentation.

If you want to have a better sex life, you’ve got to engage in active listening, which means listening attentively, openly, and non-judgmentally to your partner’s thoughts, feelings, fears, and desires. Empathy and a willingness to compromise are essential as well, Cress says. “In therapy, I often guide couples through exercises to reconnect emotionally and physically, fostering trust and rekindling intimacy, rather than focusing on performance or outcome,” she shares.

Overcoming Sexual Incompatibility

Okay, here’s the million dollar question: Is it possible to overcome sexual incompatibility in all cases, or are some couples doomed to be sexually incompatible?

The majority of couples can overcome sexual incompatibility through communication, compromise, empathy, and understanding, Cress says. But in a small number of cases, the sexual incompatibility may be too deeply rooted in needs or values to completely resolve, she says.

“I’ve worked with couples who managed to find common ground through therapy, redefining their intimacy,” she shares. “However, others chose to part ways, recognizing that their sexual needs were too misaligned.” It’s vital to assess whether this incompatibility stems from solvable relationship issues or truly irreconcilable differences, she stresses.

Keels emphasizes that overcoming sexual incompatibility is absolutely possible for most couples, but it’s all about putting in the effort to understand one another better. “It’s like tuning a musical instrument; sometimes, you just need to adjust a few notes to create harmony together,” she describes. “For instance, if one partner enjoys a certain activity that the other isn’t as keen on, they might explore trying it out together at a comfortable pace, or perhaps they can discuss and compromise on what each person enjoys.”

Seeking Professional Help

Things like setting aside time to talk about your sex life, and instituting regular check-ins to discuss desires and preferences, can make a huge difference when it comes to healing from sexual incompatibility, says Keels. But it’s not always possible to do this most effectively without a little outside assistance.

“If you and your partner are finding it tough to connect sexually, it might be time to think about getting some professional help,” Keels suggests. “This doesn't mean your relationship is doomed—sometimes, a little external support can make a huge difference.”

One thing a therapist can do is offer a neutral space for you and your partner to share feelings and concerns without judgment. “They can help you uncover underlying issues, improve communication, and explore patterns that might be causing friction in your intimacy,” Keels says.