5 Things You Shouldn’t Be Afraid to Ask a Therapist, According to a Therapist

Chances are you’ve heard the stereotype of therapists as blank slates—they sit behind you while you lie on a couch and tell them your life story while knowing nothing about them at all. While some therapists (namely certain types of psychoanalysts) have operated this way, there are some things you might like to know about your therapist that you shouldn’t be afraid to ask.

While your therapist might not choose to answer all of your questions, it is still important to ask about things that matter to you. You might be comfortable with not knowing much about your therapist, or not knowing could be a deal breaker to you. How your therapist handles this is meaningful. This is why it’s important to have these conversations with your therapist.

These are also important topics to bring up when you are deciding which therapist to work with. Any of these conversations can be had with a potential therapist as well as the therapist you are currently seeing.

Let’s take a look at some subjects that you might have considered taboo that you could definitely address with a therapist.

The First Things to Ask a Prospective Therapist

To start, there are certain things that you should absolutely ask a therapist about before deciding to work with them. Some of those things are:

• Cost: How much does this therapist charge per session? How do they handle missed sessions? You can also ask if they offer a sliding scale. Therapy is expensive, but there may be ways to make it more affordable if you know what to ask.
• Insurance: Does the therapist accept insurance? Will they bill your insurance directly? Will they provide you with a bill with the information you need to get reimbursement from your insurance company?
• Licensure: Psychologists, social workers, and counselors all have to be licensed in order to practice; coaches do not. Make sure you know the therapist is licensed in your state.
• Treatment Orientation: What clinical approach or approaches does this therapist take? (E.g., cognitive behavioral therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, psychoanalytic psychotherapy, etc.) This is an especially important question if you are looking for a specific type of care or want to better understand what treatment may look like.
• Specialties: Does this therapist specialize in treating a certain condition or working with a certain population?
• Education and Training: Where did this therapist receive their degree? Do they have a master’s degree or a doctorate degree? Did the therapist receive any specialized training in the modalities they use?
• Experience: How long have they been practicing? What kinds of patients have they typically been working with?

Any therapist should be able to address these topics honestly and immediately. If a therapist refuses to discuss any of these aspects of their practice, that’s a red flag.

5 Deeper Things You Shouldn't Be Afraid to Ask Your Therapist

Once you’ve got the basics out of the way, you can ask more personal questions and dig into your therapist’s identity a little bit more. The following are some topics that might make a huge difference in the care you receive that you shouldn’t be afraid to ask about.

Cultural and/or Ethnic Background

It might be important to you that you see a therapist who has a similar cultural or ethnic background to you, especially if you are a member of the BIPOC community. Having a therapist who understands where you’re coming from, your upbringing, and your cultural identity can feel reassuring that these aspects of your experience will be accurately understood.

It’s not necessary for everyone to work with a therapist who shares their cultural or ethnic background, but for some, this decision could mean fewer experiences of microaggressions in their therapy sessions and more implicit understanding of the challenges they regularly face.

If this matters to you, explain to your therapist why this is important to you. This is another conversation that can be had even before you start your work together, and can influence your choice of therapist.

Religion

To some people, it’s important to have a therapist with the same religious background, especially if they want to incorporate faith into their therapy. If religion is an important part of your life, talking to your therapist or a potential therapist about their faith and how they would use faith in sessions is a must.

You might find that you really need a therapist whose religious practice is exactly the same as yours, or you might discover that just knowing that they are (or are not) religious in some capacity makes you more comfortable opening up about your own beliefs. Even if you don't share the same beliefs, through this conversation you may come to feel your therapist will still be open to understanding your particular religious experience and role it plays in your life.

Either way, if faith is an important part of your life, don’t be afraid to explore this topic with a therapist.

Sexual and/or Gender Identity

If you are a member of the LGBTQIA+ community, you might believe that you need a therapist who shares your sexual or gender identity or a therapist who is also a member of that community even if their specific identity is different from yours. You may feel this will make it easier to avoid situations in which your therapist does not accurately understand your identity and cannot provide affirming care.

The therapist might not be willing to completely disclose their own identity or identities. If those details are important to you, it may be important to find a therapist who is open about them (and many are).

However, just because your therapist is a member of the LGBTQIA+ community, you can't assume that they will immediately understand your unique issues with sexual orientation or identity. What's most important is that your feel your therapist is open and non-judgmental in helping you explore what is most meaningful to you in these areas of your life.

Neurodiversity

It might feel helpful to you to work with a therapist who has the same or similar mental health concerns as you. Some therapists are open about things like having ADHD or being on the autism spectrum, and are comfortable incorporating their own experiences into the care they provide. If you feel like that kind of perspective will be important in your therapy, ask about it. 

Just knowing that your therapist is also neurodivergent, without knowing their specific diagnosis, might be enough for you to feel comfortable opening up to them about your own experiences. However, your therapist doesn't have to have issues with neurodivergence themselves to be able help you understand and best navigate these challenges in your life.

The inverse can also be true—you might specifically want a therapist who is not neurodivergent. This might make you feel as though your therapist is a truly unbiased listener, unencumbered by their own similar challenges. Either way, this is an important conversation to have with your therapist or potential therapist.

Personal Life

You might be curious whether your therapist is in a relationship or single, or whether they have a family. If you are a parent, it might make you feel better to be working with a therapist who is also a parent; if you are dealing with relationship issues, it might feel encouraging to be working with a therapist who is in a relationship themselves.

Final Thoughts

Any of these topics can and should be discussed with your therapist or any therapist you are considering working with. They can affect your relationship with your therapist, your experiences in therapy, and the quality of care you receive. 

It’s important to note that your therapist might not feel comfortable answering these kinds of questions. Keep that in mind when deciding whether to work with them. (Personally, I’ve had a very positive and helpful 15-year working relationship with a therapist about whom I know very little and who volunteers personal information very rarely. But if that does not feel tenable to you, it’s important to recognize and honor that.)

Some people would rather think of their therapist as that blank slate, and it makes them feel better not having to worry about thinking about the inner life of their therapist; some people would rather know as much as possible about the person to whom they are baring their souls. Both positions—and anything in between—are totally acceptable.