Why Can’t I Make Friends?

You're not alone if you struggle with loneliness or wonder, "Why can't I make friends?" It might seem difficult or impossible to make new connections as an adult, but if you're willing to put in the effort, you can undoubtedly build new relationships.

This article covers possible reasons you've been unsuccessful in making friends and how not having friends negatively impacts your mental health. It also provides tips on how you can make new friends.

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Why Can't I Make Friends? Possible Explanations

Having few or no friends is becoming an increasing concern for many people. One survey by a polling firm found that 22% of millennials reported having no friends.

"It is very common to experience a lack of friendships. ​​Many people feel like they do not have friends or that others do not understand them," says Jessica Ermilio, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at Humantold.

According to Ermilio, there are many reasons why someone might struggle to make friends. These reasons are outlined below.

Anxiety

For some people, these worries can interfere with their ability to connect with the other person because it is tremendously challenging to focus on and engage in a conversation when feeling nervous or uncertain about ourselves. These uncomfortable feelings may also encourage us to avoid making friends. 

The next time you try to make a friend, scan your thoughts and feelings to see if you feel nervous, fearful, or uncertain. Then ask yourself if these thoughts or feelings are aiding or impeding your ability to make a friend. Doing this may help you to better understand why it may be hard for you to make friends.

Avoidance

Are there opportunities you may be turning down or shying away from because you want to avoid the difficulties that come with making friends? Oftentimes our avoidance of hard things can go unnoticed or unquestioned. 

So, when you turn down social opportunities, ask yourself why. Be mindful of that decision and where it is coming from. It is difficult to make new friends when you are not putting yourself out there to do so.

High Expectations

People may put a lot of pressure on themselves to be popular and have several friends. It is not imperative to have a legion of friends; sometimes, all it takes is one or two friends to reap all the psychological benefits that come with deep friendships. 

Other Factors

Some research suggests that increased social media use might also play a role. Studies have found that people who spend more time on social media also tend to experience more loneliness and depression.

Other factors that might make it more challenging for you to make friends include having social anxiety disorder, being an introvert who prefers solitude, or not knowing where to look for new friends.

Mental Health Impact of Not Having Friends

Friendships and attachments are important. Because they are so important to our overall well-being, a lack of friends or poor, superficial friendships can harm your mental health.

Ermilio lists some of the psychological obstacles we may face when our attachment needs go unmet:

• Lack of belonging: Finding and maintaining close friendships provides us with a sense of belonging, which is a protective factor that helps us manage stress. 
• Loneliness: A sense of “we-ness” and support, often found within close friendships, can help us cope better with whatever challenges come our way. Conversely, a lack of adequate social support, which may be felt by someone lacking meaningful friendships, fosters loneliness and isolation.
• Mental health difficulties: Loneliness and isolation are significant risk factors for myriad mental health difficulties because we are social beings who want and need close, meaningful bonds with others.
  

Tips to Help You to Make Friends 

If you feel like you can't make friends, there are strategies that can help improve your chances of forging new social connections. Ermilio suggests some steps you can take to make friends and experience a sense of belongingness.

Seek Comfortable Environments

It is important to try and find ways to help yourself feel comfortable and at ease while making a new friend. This requires thinking critically about yourself and the type of environment that makes you feel the most comfortable.  

Similarly, consider what activities or settings help you feel confident about yourself. For example, is there a sport, craft, or activity you enjoy doing that brings you a sense of confidence? Do you have a place you like visiting or are very familiar with? 

Give It Time

As you work on forging new connections or rekindling old friendships, it is essential to remember that creating meaningful friendships takes time. According to a 2018 study by researchers at the University of Kansas, a relationship takes about 50 hours together in shared activities to shift from mere acquaintances to casual friends.

Liking someone, enjoying their company, and wanting to be friends with them isn't enough. To forge that connection, you must put in the time to form and maintain that friendship.

The researchers also found that the best friendship-building hours are those spent doing enjoyable activities, whether it's just hanging out or playing games. While "work friends" can be an important part of your social circle, time spent together in work environments was less conducive to building friendships.

In other words, if you want to form more meaningful friendships with colleagues, spend time together outside of work in shared social activities.

Are You a Likable Person?

This fast, free quiz can help give you insight into whether or not you possess traits that could make you more or less likable.

How to Get Help

If you struggle to find that sense of belongingness within friendships, consider reaching out to a therapist who can help you understand your unique difficulties and work with you to overcome them. For instance, there may be aspects of your past that could be influencing your ability to be open and vulnerable to new people in your life. 

Therapy can offer the support and guidance you need to help ease your difficulties.

Looking for new social connections can help, but finding a sense of connection and belonging can also come from other sources. "For example, books, movies, music, online forums, and art can also be ways of finding recognition and acceptance for who you are and what you may be going through,” says Ermilio.

A Word From Verywell

Not being able to make friends can make you feel lonely and isolated, and take a toll on your mental health. It’s important to know that you’re not alone—many people feel like they don’t have friends.

Making friends requires you to put yourself out there and reach out to people. While this can be scary, it helps to choose environments that you’re comfortable in. Forming close connections with even one or two people can help you develop a sense of belongingness. 

If you're unable to make friends, or find a sense of belonging in your relationships, consider seeing a therapist, who will work with you on the issues you’re facing.