How to Talk to a Friend Who Has Lost Someone to Suicide

Comforting a friend who has lost someone to suicide can be difficult. You might not know what to say or do, how they’re feeling, or how to be with them in their process. Rather than avoiding the person, it's crucial to remain connected and communicative. Here's how.

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Common Reactions to a Loved One’s Suicide

According to Marianne Goodman, MD, a professor of psychiatry at Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai, and director of the JJPVA Suicide Prevention Clinical and Research Program, your loved one is likely to experience:

• Denial. Initial reactions often include surprise, shock, and disbelief. The person may feel numb and be in denial about the person’s death. They may walk into a room and expect to see their loved one or keep forgetting that they’re gone. The person may appear distraught, distracted, or forgetful. They may withdraw and not speak or might repeat themselves.
• Anger. Once the reality sets in, feelings of intense pain, frustration, and helplessness follow, often leading to anger and a sense of betrayal. The anger can take many forms, sometimes even at the person for leaving them or not reaching out for help. The person may also feel angry at others, a higher being, or life in general. This rage may manifest as aggression, violence, irritability, impatience, and withdrawal from friends, family, or faith.
• Bargaining. During the bargaining stage, the person may repeatedly think about what they could have done to prevent the death. They may wish to go back in time and prevent the suicide somehow. Common thoughts are “If only…” and “What if…”
• Guilt. If the person believes they could have done something to prevent the death or that they are to blame somehow, they may experience feelings of guilt and shame that could become overwhelming.
• Questioning. The person may have questions about why their loved one’s suicide occurred. They may even question the meaning of life and their beliefs and values. If an explanation isn’t forthcoming or easily acceptable, they may make up false stories about what happened. 
• Depression. As the person begins to understand the effects of the person’s death, profound sadness can occur—often in the form of sleep problems, decreased energy and motivation, loss of appetite, and an inability to concentrate. Some people also feel overwhelmed, lonely, hopeless, and unable to function.
• Acceptance. Most people come to accept the reality of a loved one's death, but some find the pain too unbearable. Grief counseling can help.

Remember that everyone experiences grief differently. Some people jump right into depression after the initial shock. Others mask their grief to the point of seeming unaffected.

Signs and Symptoms That May Warrant Help

According to Goodman, a loved one’s suicide can also trigger these symptoms and conditions in survivors:

• Haunting thoughts or memories of this death and perhaps others they've dealt with
• Symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) such as nightmares, flashbacks, and intrusive thoughts of death
• Mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety, or complicated grief
• Misuse of substances such as drugs and alcohol to numb the pain
• Suicidal feelings and thoughts of their own death
• Dangerous or reckless actions, such as driving too fast, because they feel numb, intensely angry, or hopeless

If you notice any of these, encourage your friend to seek professional help.

How to Offer Your Support

These are some ways to support a loved one who has lost someone to suicide.

• Reach out: Your friend might find it hard to take the first step and make contact with you. If you have heard about their loved one’s suicide, reach out to them as soon as you can. Understand that sometimes people may not respond because they need space to grieve their loss or don't have the energy for connection. Continue to reach out, even just to let your friend know you are thinking of them. This helps a grieving person feel less alone.
• Acknowledge the circumstances: According to Goodman, it’s important to acknowledge the reality of their loved one’s death. For instance, you can say “I heard that ____ died by suicide.” Suicide is often shrouded by stigma, but by bringing it up, you can show that you’re willing to discuss the death and support the person fully.
• Express your support: Let them know you’re there for them and they can count on you. Offer tangible forms of support, such as meal prep and babysitting. Sometimes, people who are grieving don't know how or when to ask for help, so do these things without them asking.
• Share your memories: Many grieving people like talking about their loved ones, even after years have passed; this helps them keep the memories alive. If you knew the person who died of suicide, share your memories with your friend. Remembering together can be helpful.
• Be willing to listen: Ask your friend how they’re feeling and encourage them to share their thoughts. Create a safe place for them to share their fears, anxieties, and uncomfortable thoughts, says Goodman. Continue asking even after time has passed. A lot of people who go through grief feel they cannot talk about their pain after some time because they don't want to burden others. Let your friend know you'll listen no matter how many years have passed.
• Be genuine: Tell them that you can’t imagine what they’re going through, but that you’re also grieving the loss, worried about them, and available to help. They’ll appreciate your honesty.
• Spend time with them: Perhaps the most important thing is to be available and help them feel less alone, says Hilary Blumberg, MD, director of the Mood Disorders Research Program at the Yale School of Medicine. You don’t have to make them smile or laugh. It can simply be enough to be with them and do everyday things together like going for a walk, having dinner, or simply watching television.
• Don’t minimize the loss: Everyone processes grief differently. Being patient with your friend's process is one of the most helpful things you can do. Don’t try to minimize their pain by comparing their situation to that of others, claiming to know what they’re feeling, or offering overly simplistic solutions to their problems.
• Encourage them to seek help: If your friend’s thoughts become too distressing and they are unable to cope, encourage them to see a grief counselor. On the other hand, if their actions seem risky or they express suicidal thoughts, calla crisis helpline.

The Takeaways

If your friend has lost a loved one to suicide, they're probably experiencing a range of painful emotions such as shock, denial, grief, anger, betrayal, guilt, shame, loneliness, and helplessness.

Reaching out to your friend, expressing your support, and spending time with them can help them know they can count on you and share their feelings without judgment.

Keep in mind that your friend may experience distressing symptoms, thoughts of suicide, and mental health conditions as a result of their loved one’s suicide. Help them feel supported and less alone, be on the lookout for feelings and actions that seem inappropriate, and encourage them to seek professional help if their grief interferes with daily life.