As a Neurodivergent Therapist, the Holidays Can Feel Overwhelming—Here's How I Cope

Once again, we find ourselves entering the holiday season. While many look forward to traditions, time with family, and the holiday spirit, many neurodivergent people struggle. Holidays often mean disruption to your schedule, overstimulating retail stores and holiday events, changes to your diet, and other stressors. Some neurodivergent people do not have family support, and relatives might push boundaries or make unfeasible demands.

It's all overwhelming, and it can be difficult to cope with the demands, expectations, and disruptions. Many, especially neurodivergent individuals, report that holiday stress takes a toll on their mental health. As a neurodivergent person, I relate to these difficulties, and as a therapist, here are seven tips for coping during the holiday season.

Make a Clear Schedule

Many neurodivergent people need consistent schedules and routines to thrive (even if we hate following them). Autistic folks, ADHDers, and those with various mental health diagnoses can benefit from structure and predictability. Holiday schedules can throw off carefully crafted routines, but this does not mean that you have to be thrown into chaos.

Put together a schedule of events you will attend through the holidays, where you will be, who you will be with, and times. Although some events are open-ended, you can still choose to set a limit and decide ahead of time how long you will stay. Of course, if you are enjoying yourself, you can choose to make adjustments.

Have Backup Plans

For many neurodivergent people, a schedule helps maintain a sense of calm and security. Knowing what to expect is comforting. This is particularly true for autistic individuals, but other neurodivergent individuals feel this way as well.

Just like any other time of year, holiday schedules can get thrown off. Illness, weather, or other changes in plan can disrupt your carefully crafted calendar of events. For those who thrive on knowing what to expect, having a predetermined backup plan can reduce distress. When what I expected is not what pans out, it can be easier to shift to a backup plan I am already aware of than to start over and figure out a new schedule.

Pace Yourself

During this time of year, there tends to be a lot going on. You might enjoy and look forward to many holiday events. At the same time, though, some neurodivergent people become drained or worn down by too much activity.

All activities take energy, including (and sometimes especially) events we really enjoy. It is sometimes easier to overdo something enjoyable because we are more tempted to push ourselves to keep going. If you know that your social battery tends to drain after a while, be mindful of this, and take steps to preserve your well-being, even if it means setting limits with yourself.

Set Boundaries

There can be a lot of pressure from family during the holiday season to attend events or engage in activities and traditions. People can be very attached to their traditions and their idea of what “should” happen during the holidays.

You are always allowed to set boundaries and limits. Just because something is a tradition or done every year does not mean you are obligated to do something that is detrimental to your mental health and well-being. You are allowed to say no, and you are allowed to choose how you engage with the holiday season.

Ask For What You Need (Or Take It)

You might need a break from the holiday party, a dietary accommodation, or something else that might be difficult to access during holiday events. Just like you can set boundaries and limits around yourself, you can request that your needs be met during the holidays.

Of course, others might not be able or willing to meet a specific need. I often say, “I cannot control what anyone else does. I can only control what I do.”

If you feel obligated to attend an event where your needs will not be met, or you are unable to feel emotionally comfortable saying “no” (saying no will make you feel too guilty, badly about yourself, or you worry that the other person is going to be mad with you), make a plan ahead of time. What are your needs in this situation? How can you get them met safely if you do not have support? Remember to take care of yourself first.

Don’t Explain Yourself

“No” is a complete sentence. If you realize you need to decline an invitation, you do not have to justify yourself or explain your needs. A simple “I’m sorry, but I will be unable to attend” is all you need. Similarly, “I don’t want to go” is sufficient reason to choose not to attend.

Sometimes, people push back on boundaries. Family especially might feel it is appropriate to ask for your reasoning. If you have to answer (for example, if it is not emotionally safe to refuse), come up with a conflicting event. If someone will not accept your “no,” a fake conflict can shut down the conversation without inviting further follow-up.

I know we were taught to tell the truth, but we were also taught to listen and respect other people. If someone is not respecting your “no,” deception is a valid way to protect yourself.

Plan Something You Want to Do

It can be easier to get through an unpleasant situation when you have something to look forward to. Choose a date after your final holiday event, and make plans for something you really want to do. This can be an activity or event, or it can be a day of rest. When you find yourself struggling, think ahead to that event.

The holidays are particularly exhausting for neurodivergent communities. Much of what is expected of us is contrary to neurodivergent needs, and many do not have understanding and support from families when navigating these situations. Use these tips to make your holidays more neurodivergent-friendly and help you cope during this time.