20 Worst Things to Say and Do to Someone With PTSD

When it comes to supporting someone with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), our intentions are usually in the right place, but sometimes what we say or do can unintentionally hurt or trigger them.

Sometimes, we put our foot in our mouth and say or do things that make a person with PTSD feel unsafe and uncomfortable. Sensitivity and awareness of both our words and actions are key. People with PTSD are at an increased risk for depression, anxiety, substance abuse, low self-esteem, and even self-harm, so saying or doing the wrong things may have damaging effects to them.

Naturally, you might not know what's right or wrong to say or do. But experts do! Which is why we asked a few therapists to share some of the most common mistakes to avoid—words or actions that you might not realize are hurtful or unhelpful.

The Impact of Insensitive Actions and Statements

Saying or doing something insensitive to someone with PTSD can have a detrimental impact on them, which might include:

• Trauma symptoms: Certain words or actions can inadvertently trigger traumatic memories, leading to symptoms such as flashbacks, anxiety, or panic attacks, says Tatiana Rivera Cruz, MSW, LCSW, a therapist at ADHDAdvisor.
• Emotional distress: Harmful comments can cause feelings of hurt, sadness, anger, or anxiety and exacerbate the person's emotional distress, adds Cruz.
• Self-blame: People with trauma histories often struggle with blaming themselves for some part of the trauma or for not being able to cope with it, says Aimee Daramus, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at Clarity Clinic, Chicago. “If you say something insensitive, you can play into that belief that they caused or deserved the trauma.”
• Low self-esteem: Insensitivity can exacerbate feelings of shame and guilt that the person may be experiencing, contributing to low self-esteem.
• Lack of trust: Inconsiderate remarks can damage the trust and safety the person feels around others, making it harder for them to open up or seek help, says Cruz.
• Isolation: People with PTSD often feel alone and misunderstood. Thoughtless comments can deepen these feelings. “The person may withdraw from social interactions to avoid further insensitive comments, leading to increased isolation and loneliness,” says Cruz.
• Mental health conditions: People with PTSD are at an increased risk of mental health conditions like depression and anxiety. Insensitivity can worsen their symptoms.
• Substance use: People with PTSD may resort to substance use to cope with distressing feelings and symptoms. A lack of understanding about their condition may increase their risk of choosing to use alcohol or drugs in unhealthy ways.
• Relapse: A supportive and understanding environment is crucial for healing. Insensitive remarks or actions may contribute to a relapse in PTSD symptoms, potentially setting them back in their recovery journey.
• Self-harm or suicide: People with PTSD are often at an increased risk of self-harm and suicide. In severe cases, the impact of insensitive treatment may contribute to suicidal ideation.

It’s important to recognize the impact words can have on someone with PTSD and approach conversations with sensitivity, understanding, and respect, Cruz explains. Compassion is the key to creating an environment where the person feels safe and supported.

The 10 Worst Things to Say to Someone with PTSD

Every person with PTSD is different. What might be acceptable to one person may be hurtful or harmful to another. Nevertheless, there are some common phrases to avoid, according to Cruz:

“Just get over it and move on.”

This comment dismisses their trauma and implies that their suffering is trivial or should be easily overcome. PTSD isn’t something one can simply move past—it takes time and people often need professional help.

“It could have been worse.”

Minimizing their experience invalidates their feelings and can make them feel guilty or ashamed for being affected by their trauma.

“You’re overreacting.”

This undermines their emotional responses and suggests their feelings are exaggerated or unwarranted.

“Aren’t you over that yet?”

This question implies that there is a timeline for recovery (there's not) and that they are taking too long.

“Why can’t you just be normal?”

Suggesting that they are abnormal in some way can exacerbate their feelings of alienation and isolation.

“You’re too sensitive, you need to be stronger.”

Labeling them as overly sensitive can make the person feel weak or inadequate for experiencing PTSD.

“Others have been through worse and they’re fine.”

Comparing their experience to others’ traumas can invalidate their feelings and discourage them from seeking help.

“It happened a long time ago.”

Suggesting that time should have healed their wounds ignores the persistent nature of PTSD and the ongoing challenges they face.

“Stop dwelling on the past.”

This suggests they are choosing to focus on their trauma.

“I know how you feel.”

Unless you have experienced PTSD yourself, this can come off as insincere and dismissive of their unique experience.

The 10 Worst Things to Do to Someone with PTSD

While words can be hurtful, actions can be equally damaging. Here are some things to avoid:

• Startling them: Unexpected loud noises, sudden movements, or surprises can trigger fear or flashbacks in people with PTSD.
• Invading their personal space: Touching the person or getting too close to them without their permission can make them feel threatened and unsafe.
• Forcing them to talk about it: Do not force someone to talk about their trauma, particularly right after a traumatic event unless it’s necessary for safety reasons, says Dr. Daramus. “When they talk about it or think about it in the first day or two, it may increase the risk of PTSD in some individuals.”
• Exposing them to triggers: Deliberately or carelessly exposing them to situations, places, or people associated with their trauma may cause emotional distress.
• Being judgmental: Criticizing or judging their coping mechanisms or reactions can increase their feelings of shame and inadequacy.
• Blaming them for what happened: Implying that the person was responsible in some way, like asking why they were at a certain place, or why they didn’t run or fight back is never going to help, says Dr. Daramus. “In a traumatic situation, the brain’s survival functions will often cause people to freeze up. They may not be able to remember the things one would ordinarily think of.”
• Pressuring them: Forcing someone to do things they're not ready for, such as socializing or participating in activities, can exacerbate their symptoms.
• Ignoring their boundaries: Disregarding their requests for space, quiet, or alone time can overwhelm them.
• Giving them unsolicited advice: Saying things like “You should try this...” or “Have you considered...” is often unhelpful and invalidating.
• Showing impatience: Displaying frustration, anger, or impatience with their recovery process can add to their feelings of anxiety and guilt, hindering their progress.

Understanding Triggers and Avoiding Them

These are some strategies that can help you understand the person’s triggers and avoid them:

• Encourage open dialogue: Create a safe space for the person to talk to you. Encourage them to share what situations, actions, or environments they find distressing. Offer a non-judgmental, empathetic ear and let them share their experiences and feelings at their own pace, says Cruz.
• Observe their behavior: Pay attention to their reactions in different situations. Non-verbal cues like body language, changes in mood, or sudden withdrawal can indicate discomfort. Look for patterns in situations that trigger distress.
• Help them feel safe: If the person is in distress, Dr. Daramus suggests helping them feel safe by taking them to a place or person that represents safety to them.
• Respect their boundaries: Once you know their triggers, make a conscious effort to respect their boundaries. Avoid discussing or exposing them to topics, places, or activities that might make them uncomfortable unless they initiate the effort.
• Give them notice: If a trigger is unavoidable, Cruz recommends giving them a gentle heads-up and preparing them in advance, so they’re not caught off guard.
• Divert their attention: When they’re feeling upset or triggered, help them shift their mind to something else, like a movie, a conversation, music, or a video game, says Dr. Daramus. “Be gentle with this. Refocusing can be difficult, but it does help.”
• Avoid passing judgment: Never judge or criticize their triggers or reactions. Remember that their responses are often involuntary and not something they can easily control. Let them know their experiences are valid and understood.
• Ask them for guidance: If you're unsure about something, ask! Ask how you can help or if a particular action might be triggering.
• Offer reassurance: Offer emotional support and reassurance when they’re upset or if they encounter triggers. Let them know they’re not alone and you’re there to help.

Effective Ways to Support Someone with PTSD

These are some ways to support someone with PTSD, according to the experts:

• Learn about PTSD: Educate yourself about PTSD and common triggers. Books, articles, and conversations with mental health professionals can provide valuable insights. “Understanding the condition helps you provide informed support and reduces the likelihood of saying or doing something inadvertently harmful,” says Cruz.
• Encourage treatment: Encourage the person to get professional help from a trained mental healthcare provider. Professional guidance is crucial for managing PTSD, Cruz explains.
• Find support groups: Look for support groups either online or in your area. If the person is open to going, a support group can be a valuable source of resources, advice, and inspiration.
• Avoid harmful stereotypes: Avoid buying into harmful stereotypes and challenge misconceptions about PTSD.
• Be patient: Recovering from PTSD is a long and non-linear process, says Cruz. “Be patient with their progress and setbacks.”
• Offer practical help: If possible, Cruz suggests assisting the person with everyday tasks that may feel overwhelming like running errands, cooking, or managing appointments.
• Provide companionship: Spend quality time with the person. Hanging out together and participating in fun activities in a safe environment can be a major source of comfort and happiness for them.
• Stay in touch: Keep in regular contact with the person through calls, texts, or visits, says Cruz. “Social support is vital, even if they aren’t always able to engage.” 
• Take care of yourself: Supporting someone with PTSD can be emotionally taxing. Practice self-care and don’t neglect your own mental and physical health.
• Seek help for yourself: Consider going to therapy or joining a support group if you’re struggling or need advice.

Takeaways

Supporting someone with PTSD requires mindful words and actions that promote healing rather than harm. Remember, the key to effective support lies in respecting their boundaries and offering them patience and compassion. Your support can make a significant difference in their life.