'Why Is Life So Hard?' How to Cope When You Feel This Way

There's no denying that life can feel truly overwhelming these days. If you're feeling like the challenges you're facing are too much, you're certainly not alone.

As of 2020, 65% of adults in the United States stated they were stressed, specifically by the current circumstances in our country. That’s 2 in 3 adults, meaning the majority of folks are feeling pretty uncertain about their life and future.

In the 2023 version of that same survey, the majority of participants placed their stress levels between a 5 and a 10 on a scale of 1-10. Everyone seems to be a bit stressed out for one reason or another, largely due to the ongoing fallout from the COVID-19 pandemic and general anxiety about security and the future.

And, likely, your stressors aren’t even related to current societal issues, but they could be exacerbated by them. Life is inevitably hard at times and is full of ups and downs, but if you’re feeling like your life is consistently difficult, this article is for you.

We’ll explore the factors that contribute to personal hardship, societal issues that don’t help, strategies for overcoming life’s challenges, and how to find meaning amid chaos. 

Why Is Everything So Much Harder For Me?

You might find yourself pondering why everything feels so hard. Perhaps you’re comparing yourself to your peers and are noticing that they don’t seem to be experiencing the same level of anguish. There can be many reasons for this.

First, everyone’s journey is different. Just because your peers don’t seem to be struggling right now, they may be facing challenges privately. Alternatively, they may simply be in a different season of life than you. The phrase comparison is the thief of joy holds some weight in this situation, so the best way to begin to get back on track is to keep your eyes on your own paper. 

There’s a myriad of factors that can contribute to life feeling singularly harder for us than for others. First, we may be in a developmental phase of our life that involves a big change—because change, even under the best of circumstances, is seldom easy. This could be going away to college, changing jobs, getting married, having children, getting divorced, or even having your adult children move out. Part of why change is so hard is because it involves us changing our behavior. 

Research shows that changing our behavior isn’t a linear process. Instead, it is one full of clumsy starts and stops, leaps in progress only to regress to former behaviors quickly. Don’t let this discourage you. If anything, the fact that things are feeling hard in the face of change can be an indicator that you’re working to change your behavior and that is a process that, by design, isn’t easy. This all being said, let’s dig deeper into how there are how personal challenges and societal factors are adding to the difficulties of life.

Acknowledging the Impact of Personal Challenges

We’d be remiss to speak about this feeling of life being extraordinarily difficult without acknowledging how personal challenges impact hardship. We all have different circumstances that can increase the intensity of our hardships. 

The first is familial dysfunction. If you’re a survivor of childhood trauma, knee-deep in navigating problematic relationships with family members, or are estranged from family, this can feel profoundly challenging. Not only can these factors lead to feelings of loneliness and shame—they can also spike jealousy if you notice those around you have strong familial support.

Another circumstance that can increase the intensity of life feeling hard is interpersonal issues. For example, you may be navigating a break-up or have lost someone you loved. Alternatively, you may find yourself gridlocked in conflict with your boss.

We need—and thrive—in community. Without community, we may suffer from social isolation or loneliness. Turns out, social isolation and loneliness can even contribute to adverse health outcomes. A recent study found loneliness in older adults to lead to poor sleep, and metabolic, neural, and hormonal issues.

Finally, you might be in crisis, suffering from addiction, abuse, poverty, or chronic illness. These factors cannot be overlooked and inevitably make life feel extraordinarily challenging. We have strategies to support you in this difficult season of life, but first, we need to acknowledge how society may be contributing to how you feel. 

Exploring Societal and External Factors

We are coming off the heels of a pandemic into economic turmoil and ongoing oppressive policies that suppress the rights of BIPOC and LGBTQIA+ communities. For those living with chronic illness, the concept of the pandemic being finished may be infuriating, since COVID-19 is an ongoing threat to the immunocompromised.

Financial stressors have only been exacerbated by looming student loans, economic inflation, and whispers of a recession underway. The suppression of civil rights might have you fearing for the safety of yourself and your loved ones. 

Such societal factors can be traumatic and lead to life feeling exponentially more difficult. Do not internalize these factors as a personal failure. It is hard to avoid sickness when navigating chronic illness. It can feel impossible to get ahead financially when facing the effects of a recession. It isn’t reasonable to expect yourself to feel full of energy and ready to make big changes when you feel unsafe.

“Our culture has a maddening habit of blaming problems on individuals instead of the larger systems those individuals operate in,” explains licensed marriage and family therapist Alegria Louise Demeestere. She continues by expressing the importance of pointing the finger at the collective systems we’re in, not at yourself or fellow community members. “For any problem we are trying to address, it’s important to look at the systemic causes,” she asserts. 

What to Do When Life Gets Hard

So, perhaps you know why life is feeling hard. Now it is time to consider what can help when feeling this way.

It’s common to feel full of rage when you’re in this headspace. In fact, it may even feel like you’ve hit your breaking point and are deeply angry. “Your anger is trying to tell you something,” muses Demeestere. “When you become curious about your anger, you are less likely to take it out on others or try to numb it through compulsions and addictions,” she explains.

When we can face our anger head on without any distractions, we can use the energy to propel ourselves forward, past difficulties and beyond. 

Rest

While it may feel counterintuitive to some, Demeestere strongly encourages rest when navigating life’s hardships. Not only is rest a powerful antidote to our culture of constantly needing to perform, do, and take action—even in the midst of hardship—it also can do wonders for our well-being.

“When your mind is well-rested, it becomes more clear and creative,” shares Demeestere. With this clarity and creativity comes the ability to take action that benefits others, your community, and yourself. 

Get Support

Additionally, consider seeking out extra support. While therapy won’t take away the hardships you’re up against, it will help you navigate them. You don’t have to go it alone.

If you’re a person of color seeking therapy, consider checking out Inclusive Therapists, Therapy for Black Girls, Therapy for Black Men, or Latinx Therapy.

Member of the LGBTQIA+ community? Check out the National Queer and Trans Therapists of Color Network. If you’re concerned about affording therapy, Inclusive Therapists, the Loveland Foundation, and the National Queer and Trans Therapists of Color Network all offer therapy funds. Open Path Collective is an online platform that offers sessions from $30 to $70 per session. 

Do Your Own Investigating

Next up, get to reading. If you’re looking to dig into self-compassion, check out No Bad Parts by Richard C. Schwartz. Want to do a deep dive into matters of the heart? All About Love by bell hooks may be the soothing balm you’re looking for.

Demeestere cites Tricia Hersey of the Nap Ministry’s Rest is Resistance and adrienne maree brown’s Pleasure Activism as two texts that strongly inform her thoughts regarding hardship, anger, and coping.

Digging into the ways of living a creative life can be profoundly supportive and some of the best art comes from heartbreak. Check out Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert to dive deeper into your creative muscle.

If you’re struggling to meet your basic needs, there may be support in your area. Check out your area’s social services offerings to see if there are provisions for food, clothing, and even vocational training. Should you be in a crisis and need support immediately, call 988 to get connected to mental health care in your area. 

Things You Can Do in the Moment

All of these tools will be helpful when implemented as longer term strategies, but sometimes when you're spiraling you just need something you can do right away. This could include calling a friend or loved one, spend some time outside, do something to move your body and get yourself out of your head, do some breathing exercises or yoga, or recite some self-supportive affirmations.

Finding Meaning and Moving Forward

It isn’t easy navigating the painful ups and downs of life. Yet, there can be meaning in the challenges you experience. In fact, some therapy modalities specifically look at how your past is shaping your present, making meaning out of the hardships you’ve overcome. No one should ever have to hurt as a way to gain wisdom and no one should be subject to abuse, poverty, and systemic oppression.

Consider how you can use your anger, frustration, and sadness to propel yourself forward. Make art that moves others, consider how you can be the helping hand you need to another person, and dig into the storytelling of your life. Imagine what story you want to tell with this current chapter and then write the ending you long for.