How to Explain Addiction to a Child

Having a family member who is addicted to drugs or alcohol can be difficult. It can be particularly confusing for kids who have a parent with a substance use problem. Children living in homes with parental substance abuse can find life unpredictable and baffling. Kids may even believe the alcohol or drug abuse is their fault.

"Despite what parents think, children are extremely sensitive to energy, and while they might not understand addiction, they know something is wrong. In the absence of real information, children will fill in the blanks on their own," says Christina Granahan, LICSW, PCC, a therapist and coach. 

She explains that an age-appropriate conversation about parental addiction helps kids feel safe, cared for, and understood.

Knowing how to explain addiction to a child can be challenging, but it can be a crucial step for building understanding and relieving some of the guilt and anxiety kids may experience.

How Kids Are Affected by Addiction

Children can be affected by a parent's drug addiction in many different ways. Dealing with this lack of stability can leave kids feeling insecure and uncertain. Additionally, they may receive inconsistent messages from their parents.

Parental substance use can also increase a child's risk for experiencing:

• Physical or emotional abuse and neglect
• Poor academic performance
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Poor self-esteem
• Problems with emotional regulation
• Impulse control issues
• Substance use

This is why having a conversation is so crucial. "Open communication will allow the child to express their concerns and fears and help prevent them from internalizing negative emotions," says Daniel Rinaldi, MHC, a therapist and life coach.

How to Talk to Kids About Addiction

Whether you're the child's non-addicted parent, a concerned relative, or a teacher, talking to kids about their parent's addiction is not an easy conversation. But it's one that needs to happen. Ignoring the issue or trying to pretend that it doesn't exist is never a good idea and only leaves kids wondering if this is the way everyone's life is.

Reasons to Talk About It

Even if you're not talking about their parent's addiction, kids still know it exists. Plus, covering it up or pretending that it's not a big deal doesn't protect them from the pain that the addiction causes them. They are still being impacted.

It opens the lines of communication, which helps kids feel more comfortable being open and honest with you.

"When a parent is open, honest and not keeping secrets, this teaches the child that they too can be open, honest, and should not keep secrets," says Abbey Sangmeister, MSEd, LPC, a counselor and coach.

Additionally, you can share the truth about their parent's addiction and dispel some of the lies they may believe—like the faulty belief that they are somehow to blame or that they can "help" their parent get well. These types of beliefs can lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms in kids, such as codependency.

Once you've resolved to talk to a child about their parent's addiction, it's important to educate yourself first. You want to be sure you're sharing accurate information. Likewise, you should keep your conversations age-appropriate.

For instance, for kids younger than 10, you must remember that they still view the world from a "me"-centered perspective. Consequently, they will likely blame themselves or believe they did something to cause the addiction.

What to Say

Reassure them that their parent loves them, but let the child know that the parent has a disease that needs to be treated. Also, remind them that you love them and are there to support them.

When it comes to tweens, you want to ensure they have all the facts about their parent's addiction. At this age, it's tempting for them to piece together what they do know and try to come up with their own explanations. Your goal should be to keep that from happening.

So, make sure you answer all their questions openly and honestly. You can also invite the tween to come to you anytime they are upset or confused and need answers.

Finally, when talking with teens, you first need to consider that they may resent the addiction. This may be especially true if the addiction has required them to miss time with their friends due to taking care of younger siblings or doing extra chores.

Give the teen opportunities to participate in activities or to take up a hobby that builds their self-esteem. Participating in hobbies, writing in a gratitude journal, playing a sport, and setting healthy goals are a few activities that can foster positive self-esteem in teens.

At some point, you should talk about addiction as a disease with a genetic component. So, they should refrain from experimenting with drugs and alcohol because the chances of developing an addiction like their parent are higher than for other kids.

"Parents should also not shy away from explaining how their addiction developed along with their journey to sobriety and how they are maintaining it," Sangmeister explains. "Children do not need to know every little detail, but give them enough for them to have a foundation of understanding. By sharing how a parent is maintaining sobriety, this teaches the child coping skills."

When to Talk to a Child About Addiction

When it comes to the timing of the conversation about a parent's addiction, you should consider having it as soon as you're aware that there's an issue—especially if you're a family member. Picking the right time and place is important, but Sangmeister notes you shouldn't force them to talk if they don't want to.

Make sure you choose a time of day when the child is relaxed. Trying to have a conversation when they are upset, angry, or tired will keep you from having the impact you're hoping for.

Also, be sure that when you do talk, you are in a comfortable place where there is no risk of being overhead. And be sensitive to the fact that kids often assume that no one knows what happens in their home.

Finally, make sure you approach the conversation with empathy and patience. Ask questions so that you understand their perspective, and if they blame themselves, reassure them that they are not at fault. Their parent's addiction is not their responsibility.

Messages Kids Need to Hear

Living with an addicted parent is often chaotic, lonely, and even scary—especially if the family breaks up because of substance abuse. Even if children are not removed from the home, living with a parent who abuses alcohol or other substances may cause kids to become withdrawn and shy, while others can become explosive and violent.

Likewise, kids with an addicted parent often develop issues with self-esteem, attachment, autonomy, and trust. So, what do you tell children when one or both of their parents struggle with addiction?

Additionally, the National Association for Children of Alcoholics (NACoA) indicates that there are four messages that children with addicted parents need to hear. They need to know that addiction is a disease that they cannot control and that it's OK to talk about it—even if they have been told not to. And, most importantly, they need to know that they are not alone.

Addiction Is a Disease

When parents are drunk or high, sometimes they can do things that are mean or say things that don't make sense. Or, they might make promises they don't keep, like failing to show up for a child's dance recital after promising to be there or forgetting to pick them up from soccer practice when it's their turn in the carpool.

Sometimes addicted parents also will do embarrassing things, like show up for a school function intoxicated, slur their words when talking with a teacher, or explode in anger at a basketball game. All of these things are extremely hard on children, no matter how old they are.

Kids can feel embarrassed, confused, and angry by their parent's behavior. Make sure you validate their feelings and explain that their feelings are normal. But also remind them that addiction is a disease.

"People can help a child understand that their parent's addiction is not their fault by talking about what addiction is, a complex condition not caused by anything the child did," Rinaldi says.

It's Not Your Fault

Many children feel like they are to blame for their parent's addiction. Even if they realistically know they are not to blame, they can still struggle with guilt and wonder if there is something they can do to keep their parent from using.

For instance, older kids may cancel plans with their friends, hoping that if they stay home with their parent, they can keep them from drinking or using drugs. While this type of response is normal, it's not healthy. Plus, it won't keep parents from abusing substances.

Consequently, if you're talking to a child with an addicted parent, make sure they understand that they are not the reason a parent drinks too much or abuses drugs. They did not cause the addiction, and they cannot stop it.

You Are Not Alone

Living with an addict can be extremely overwhelming, especially if that addict is a parent. After all, kids are supposed to feel safe and secure at home without worrying if they will be cared for.

When a parent has an addiction, there is very little safety and security. As a result, it can make kids feel alone. Moreover, they're often convinced that no one understands what they are going through.

You also can remind kids that lots of other children have parents who are addicted to drugs or alcohol—even in their own school. So while what they're experiencing is extremely difficult, they aren't the only one who is going through something like this. Just knowing that there are others who are feeling the same pain and confusion can be comforting to kids.

It's OK to Talk

Many times, kids who grow up with an addicted parent are told not to tell anyone about what happens in their home. Consequently, they often feel a great deal of shame and embarrassment about their home lives.

As a result, you need to assure them that it's OK to talk about the problem without having to feel scared, ashamed, or embarrassed. Remind them that they don't have to lie, cover for their parent, or keep secrets. Instead, encourage them to talk to someone that they trust—a teacher, counselor, foster parent, or members of a peer support group such as Alateen.

Rinaldi also says that talking to a therapist can help. "Counseling can be beneficial in helping the child process their feelings and come up with healthy coping strategies," he explains.