Are You Phubbing Your Partner?

In 2011, only 35% of all adults in the United States owned a smartphone. By 2023, that number skyrocketed to 90%. This spike in cellphone usage, plus the advancement of technology, has increased people's reliance on mobile devices. Smartphones are now used for almost everything, from finding directions to googling information. In some cases, people have become so consumed with their smartphones that they're ignoring the people around them—a behavior known as phubbing.

What Is Phubbing?

“Phubbing is a blend of the words ‘phone’ and ‘snubbing,’" says Rachel Goldberg, MS, LFMT, the founder of Rachel Goldberg Therapy. "Essentially, it's when someone is in some type of social setting, where the focus is on their smartphone rather than the people they are with. When someone is phubbing, their attention is directed at their phone rather than engaging in face-to-face interactions with their present company."

It's not just about being consumed with your phone. Phubbing has real consequences on your relationships, with research reporting that phubbing negatively affects intimacy and closeness in romantic partnerships. It also increases social isolation and loneliness, plus has detrimental effects on your mental health.

Effects of Phubbing on Relationships

Imagine this: you're having lunch with a friend and instead of being engaged in the conversation, they're on their phone. A common problem for many relationships, be either platonic, romantic, or familial. And the research backs this up too. Around half of U.S. adults have been "phubbed" by their partner, according to a small survey. The "snubbed" partner often reports feelings of resentment and jealousy because of their S.O.'s inattentiveness.

“Not paying attention to your partner, like phubbing, can lead to decreased relationship satisfaction," explains Colleen Marshall, LMFT, the chief clinical officer at Two Chairs. "If you do not show that your partner is important to you, they will feel less connected to you and [that leads] to decreased intimacy and affection."

It can also result in a lack of trust between partners and problems with face-to-face communication. "If you are focusing on your phone, you are sending the message that whatever you are reading or watching is more important than the person in front of you," Marshall adds. "If you do this regularly and often, it can take a toll on the relationship."

Phubbing isn't limited to romantic partnerships. It can happen in any relationship, from parent and child to between siblings and even boss and employee.

How Phubbing Affects Your Mental Health

Phubbing can also impact your mental health, whether you're the victim of "phubbing" or the perpetrator. Research shows that both parties suffer from experience anxiety, depression, and loneliness because of phubbing.

People who spend time on their phones are less likely to interact with others. Social interactions are diminished and there's less connection with the people around you. Even though some may view their digital relationships as true friendships—via social media or even texting—they lack a crucial component: intimacy.

"Phubbing can lead to feelings of guilt, disconnection, and decreased intimacy," explains Goldberg. "Constantly turning to our phones can make us lose the ability to have raw and vulnerable moments with loved ones. Over time, this can result in increased anxiety, feelings of awkwardness, and depression."

There is also an addictive element to smartphone usage. Finkel says that smartphones mimic a connection but are not replacements for face-to-face communication. The addictive nature of smartphones and "a quick dopamine hit from a like or follow" will both ruin your relationships and also prompt you to disengage from the physical world.

Signs You're "Phubbing" or Being "Phubbed" in Your Relationship

It's completely normal to check your smartphone—we all do it! "Phubbing can be harmless, like when you see your partner looking at the game scores of their favorite team at dinner," says Genny Finkel, LCSW. "However, it can be toxic when a partner is using their phone to the extent that their partner starts feeling ignored or insecure in their relationship."

To determine whether you're phubbing in your relationship—or being phubbed—look for the following signs:

• The person you are with always has their phone nearby or in their hands.
• They always tell you to “hold on" while they're texting. “When someone often says ‘hold on’ while someone else is trying to get their attention, it signals that their phone is a higher priority," Goldberg notes.
•  If someone gets anxious or distracted when there's a notification and their attention shifts away from the conversation to their mobile device.
• If a person favors communication by phone instead of directly speaking to you. Or, they start feeling more comfortable reaching out via social media instead of in-person interactions.
• They become defensive about their cellphone usage. “Becoming defensive or dismissive when confronted about phone usage can indicate an addiction-like attachment to your phone and a lack of awareness or motivation to improve the relationship,” Goldberg says.

3 Steps You Can Take to Stop Phubbing

Whether you're concerned about your phone usage or your partner and their smartphone habits, here are steps you (or your partner) can take to stop phubbing.

Modify Your Phone Usage

You can take steps to modify your phone usage. For example, a great first start is silencing your ringer when out with a friend or keeping your phone in your pocket when spending time with your spouse. A few intentional actions can redirect your focus to those around you and away from your phone

Seek Professional Help

If you're struggling with setting screentime limits, you might want to see a therapist, advises Marshall.

“What therapy can do is help you identify your goals, what those goals are important to you and more important the engaging with your phone, help you identify triggers or barriers that get in the way of you achieving your goals, and identify strategies to help you overcome those barriers.”

Think About Why You Are Phubbing

Examine the reasons behind your phubbing behavior. Do you focus on your phone when you're stressed or in uncomfortable situations? Are you doing it just because you've had a hard day at work? Is it a form of escaping from something that is bothering you or that you need to deal with? Delving deeper into your behavior can help you figure out what you need to do to make a change.

Smartphones are a convenience that many feel like they can't live without. But it is important to remember that they're not replacements of face-to-face interaction. Putting the phone down may be just the help that your relationship needs.