Is a Polyamorous Relationship Right for You?

Polyamory is the philosophy and practice of loving multiple people at the same time in an open, honest way. It emphasizes choice regarding the number of partners one can choose instead of adhering to social norms such as monogamy.

Unlike open relationships, polyamory is characterized by emotional as well as sexual or romantic intimacy among partners. In contrast to infidelity, adultery, and extramarital sex, polyamory is disclosed and agreed to by everyone involved.

How Do Polyamorous Relationships Work?

Some polyamorous relationships are hierarchical (one relationship takes priority over others); other polyamorous relationships are equal. In a hierarchical scenario, a person may have primary and secondary partners.

• A primary partner is at the top of the hierarchy; they may be the person with whom you live, have kids, or even marry. Not all polyamorous relationships have a primary partner.
• Secondary partner(s) may not be as intertwined in your life as a primary partner; for example, you might be fully committed to each other without sharing housing or finances.

What Polyamory Is Not

Boundaries in polygamous relationships are quite different from those in monogamous relationships, but they still exist.

People in polyamorous relationships may or may not be married, although they may reject the restrictions of conventional marriage—particularly, the limitation to one partner. However, polyamory:

• Is not bigamy or polygamy, which involves marriage to more than one person and is illegal in the U.S.
• Is not "swinging" or "spouse swapping." in which couples in established relationships have casual sexual encounters with people in other couples
• Is not an "open" relationship, in which a couple agrees that one or both partners may have sex with other people, not necessarily with disclosure
• Is not a type of sexual orientation or gender identity

Polyamorous couples may also have open relationships, and people of all orientations and identities participate in polyamorous relationships, including those who are straight, gay, bisexual, lesbian, transgender, nonbinary, or pansexual.

Types of Polyamorous Relationships

Unlike monogamous relationships, which by definition are limited to one partner, polyamory comes in many forms and may change over time based on the people involved.

Many polyamorous relationships are characterized by a couple who openly and consensually pursues independent or joint relationships outside of their primary relationship. Others practice polyamory by having multiple independent, separate relationships, or even relationships among three or more people.

Polyamorous relationships can also be closed. Individuals who are part of a closed polyamorous group agree not to see other people or bring more people into the relationship.

Triad

Also known as a throuple, a triad refers to a relationship with three people. Not all three people need to date one another, however. One person might date two different people.

Quad

A quad involves four people and often occurs when two polyamorous couples meet and begin dating one person from the other couple. In a full quad, all four members are romantically or sexually involved with one another.

Polycule

The term polycule refers to a network of romantically connected people. For example, it might include you and your primary partner, your secondary partner, your primary partner's secondary partner, your primary partner's secondary partner's primary partner, and so on.

Kitchen-Table Polyamory

This is a family-like network formed by people who know each other. The name comes from the fact that people in this type of polyamorous relationship gather around the kitchen table for meals.

Parallel Polyamory

Parallel polyamory refers to relationships in which two people are aware of but have little or no contact with each other's other partners.

Solo Polyamory

Individuals in a solo polyamorous relationship do not intend to merge their identities or life infrastructures with their partners. For example, they don’t wish to marry or share a home or finances with any of their partners.

Avoiding Relationship Issues

The need for clear communication and boundaries among all concerned is a key feature of the polyamorous philosophy. The complexity of interrelationships can leave some individuals vulnerable to exploitation.

However, research shows that people in consensual nonmonogamous relationships and those in monogamous ones have similar levels of psychological well-being and relationship quality.

Establish Rules and Boundaries

A big part of polyamory is ensuring that all partners are on the same page when it comes to emotional and physical boundaries, including:

• When and whether to divulge details about relationships or your polyamorous status with others
• How often to spend time with each other and other people
• What sexual acts are OK and what are not
• What safety practices everyone will follow

Definitions of what constitutes cheating or infidelity in a polyamorous relationship depend on the rules that those in the relationship have established. In a polyamorous relationship, ignoring the boundaries and rules that those in the relationship have agreed to is often considered cheating.

Support One Another

Just as in a monogamous relationship, it’s important to support your partners and show respect and courtesy, even if you don’t like your partner’s metamour (your partner's partner who’s not romantically or sexually involved with you).

Avoid Comparisons

Although it’s human nature, do your best to avoid the comparison game. For example, don’t go and book an extravagant trip for two just because your partner had a weekend getaway with one of their other partners.

Express Your Feelings and Needs

Jealousy is a common feeling that can come to the surface in a polyamorous relationship. Communicating these feelings, instead of letting them consume you, is key for polyamory.

In fact, a common term used in polyamory is compersion, or the feeling of joy from seeing your partner happy with another partner. This is the opposite of jealousy.

Keep in Mind

Only you can decide whether a polyamorous relationship is right for you. Polyamory involves challenging the ideal of monogamy while examining your expectations of love and romantic partners. As with any relationship, being honest with yourself and your partner(s) about your feelings is most important for a mutually satisfying life together.