Unpacking the 36 Questions That Lead to Love: Why and How They Work

Love often seems like a mystery, but what if there was a way to make falling in love a little bit easier? Psychologist Arthur Aron and his colleagues formulated what are often referred to as "36 questions that lead to love" as a way to speed up the process of developing intimacy—and some say such questions can even help inspire love. In Aron's study, the questions didn't just help two people get to know each other better; they actually led to marriage for one set of participants.

The 36 questions Aron developed are structured to create deeper conversations between people. The questions are initially less personal but gradually require more meaningful, vulnerable responses. By engaging in this type of intimate dialogue, people can foster greater understanding, connections, and intimacy in their relationship.

Today, these 36 questions are often touted as a scientifically proven way to forge a closer connection between people, but is that really true? Such questions can build trust and closeness in relationships, but such questions alone aren’t a surefire shortcut to love.

The Science Behind the 36 Questions

The original 36 questions to fall in love emerged during the 1990s through a study by researchers Arthur Aron, Elaine Aron, and other colleagues.

It was further popularized following the publication of an essay by Mandy Len Catron in the "Modern Love" column in The New York Times. Catron described her experience using the 36 questions to build intimacy with someone she eventually married.

Aron’s Study

Arthur Aron, a social psychologist, developed the 36 questions for his research on ways to forge interpersonal closeness. The study aimed to determine if a structured set of questions involving mutual self-disclosure could help facilitate this process.

In a podcast episode for Scientific American, Aron explained that the whole purpose of the questions is to help people feel closer in a relatively short period of time.

"That's not the same thing as being in love," he noted. "Love has, you know, sort of another whole component of desire for deep connections. And in the case of romantic love, it usually involves sexuality and things like that. So it's not quite the same thing." 

And, it turns out, the 36 questions were based on an earlier set of questions developed by one of the study’s co-authors that were presented at a 1991 conference and never published. It was those questions that helped inspire love between the assistants in Aron’s lab. They were also more romance-focused than what eventually came to be the 36 questions.

How the Questions Work

The 36 questions are structured into three sets. The first questions are more casual and less intimate. As the questions progress, they become more personal and focus on topics that require people to be more open, honest, and vulnerable.

In Aron's study, pairs of participants took turns asking each other these questions, and at the end of the session, they spent several minutes making sustained eye contact.

In the original study, the first couple who attempted the questions were research assistants who worked in Aron's lab. They were involved in other research and did not know what the study was about. The two ended up falling in love and getting married.

While it is often portrayed as a sure-fire process to building love, it's important to note that it doesn't guarantee people will fall in love. It does demonstrate how intentional communication can help people build emotional connections - which can play an important part in helping people fall in love.

How to Use the 36 Questions

If you want to try using the 36 questions to help form a deeper, more meaningful relationship, it's important to first create a safe, comfortable space to have this type of honest conversation.

Choose the Right Setting

Make sure you're in a relaxed, private place when you have the conversation. Find somewhere you both feel at ease and where there are few distractions. 

Talk About the Rules

Before you start the 36 questions, lay out some ground rules about how the conversation will go. Don't try to spring the questions on someone who isn't aware of the purpose of this conversation. Talk about the questions first, and make sure they feel comfortable having this type of honest, vulnerable conversation.

Ask the Questions in Order

The questions are structured in a specific order, so it is important to follow along exactly as they are presented. The first set are more casual, but they become increasingly personal as the conversation goes on.

Listen to Your Partner

When the other person is answering each question, practice listening actively to show that they have your full attention. Maintain eye contact and show that you have a genuine interest in what they have to say. Try not to interrupt while they are talking.

Be Honest

Don't avoid sharing your honest reactions and personal experiences. The purpose of the conversation is to disclose intimate details about your experiences, emotions, thoughts, and aspirations. Honesty is the key to success.

Validate Emotions

As the questions become more personal, some of them may lead to emotional responses. Be sensitive to what your conversation partner is sharing and respond with empathy. Let them know you are there to listen and try to validate their emotions.

Take Breaks

If the conversation becomes too intense or overwhelming, it's okay to take a break. Both people need to feel comfortable, so do what you need to help each individual feel safe throughout the conversation.

Reflect

Once the conversation is over, take some time to reflect on the experience. Talk about the feelings it evoked and any insights you have gained. Consider how the conversation has affected your relationship and how you feel about the other person in light of this experience.

The 36 Questions: A Breakdown

The 36 questions are divided into three sets of 12. Take turns answering the questions in order. It should take about an hour to complete all 36.

Set 1

The goal of these first 12 questions is to help build closeness between conversation partners. Note how the questions start out less personal, more like something you might ask someone on a first date, before gradually becoming more personal.

• Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
• Would you like to be famous? In what way?
• Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
• What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?
• When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
• If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
• Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
• Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
• For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
• If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
• Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
• If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
  

Set 2

The second set of questions are all about fostering a greater sense of intimacy. They explore things like personal experiences, values, and emotions

• If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
• Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
• What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
• What do you value most in a friendship?
• What is your most treasured memory?
• What is your most terrible memory?
• If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
• What does friendship mean to you?
• What roles do love and affection play in your life?
• Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.
• How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
• How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?.
  

Set 3

Where the two previous sets of questions were about creating closeness and establishing intimacy, the third and final set is all about forging deeper emotional intimacy.

• Make three true "we" statements each. For instance, "We are both in this room feeling..."
• Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share..."
• If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
• Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.
• Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
• When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
• Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
• What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
• If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
• Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
• Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
• Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
  

Benefits of Using the 36 Questions

Engaging in a question-based dialogue, whether it's the 36 questions or just an honest conversation, can benefit relationship in a variety of ways:

Closer Connection

The structured nature of the 36 questions, starting with the less personal and progressively becoming more meaningful, mirrors the sort of dialogue that often happens more slowly between people.

Greater Vulnerability

Vulnerability is crucial for healthy relationships. It allows people to be their authentic selves while breaking down emotional barriers that prevent people from being honest.

As the questions progress, people have to dig down deeper to reveal the tender parts of themselves. It helps create a space for true honesty, the foundation for trust.

Explore Compatibility

If you are in a new relationship, the 36 questions can help you learn much more about your partner—including their values, goals, and future plans. The conversation is an opportunity to learn more about them and consider whether you are truly compatible.

Strengthen Your Connection

If you are in a long-term relationship, the 36 questions can be a great way to strengthen your existing bond. The questions are designed to elicit feelings of closeness. If you've started to drift apart or have even gotten a little bored in your relationship, reconnecting can be a great way to bring some excitement back into the relationship.

Responses to the 36 Questions

Since the publication of Catron's viral NYT essay, other people have felt inspired to try the 36 questions in their own lives—with varying results. 

Reader Amy Williams told The New York Times that she and her husband completed the questions over the course of two nights and found that the questions helped bring them closer. "It felt like dating again," she suggested.

One Reddit reader reported that the questions did help them fall in love with a former partner. However, they noted that the questions may build a sense of intimacy that lacks long-term sustainability.

Other Reddit users reported finding the questions invasive, upsetting, and emotionally risky. Questions about a person’s most terrible memory, in particular, can be triggering for people who have experienced trauma.

Another reader pointed out another potential risk–asking your current partner these questions and falling out of love with them as a result.

Additional Resources

If you are interested in reading more, Cantron published an essay memoir titled "How to Fall in Love With Anyone" that explores some of the popular myths about romantic love.

There are also many card games and books based on the concept of "icebreaker" questions to help inspire conversations. Some are designed to be fun activities for date nights, while others focus on inspiring meaningful conversations.

Other Ways to Build Intimacy

The 36 questions can be an interesting activity, but it's not the only way to improve communication and build closeness in a relationship. Whether the relationship is new or old, some ways to enhance your connection can include:

• Engaging in a shared hobby or interest together
• Using active listening to improve your understanding and empathy for one another
• Setting goals to work on together as a couple
• Spending time together free of distractions
• Reading relationship books and talking about them together
• Trying out new adventures as a couple
• Attending couples therapy to deal with challenges and build a stronger relationship
  

Every couple is unique, so it is important to figure out what's right for you. If you are just starting out, spending time together in shared interests is a great way to get to know each other and build connections.

If you're trying to rekindle a relationship that's perhaps gotten a little stale, quality time combined with intentional activities like focused discussions or therapy sessions can be a great option.

Keep in Mind

The idea that 36 questions might lead to love has become a popular idea, but your own results may vary. The structured format may feel stilted and unnatural to some people, while others may find some of the questions overly invasive. 

If you're interested in trying the 36 questions yourself, talk to your partner about what to expect and how to navigate any difficulties that might spring up during the conversation. The gradual vulnerability and emotional connection that the 36 questions inspire can help foster greater intimacy and understanding, so it might be worth exploring if you and your pattern feel comfortable with it.

Ultimately, perhaps the greatest takeaway is that communication, self-disclosure, vulnerability, trust, and active listening are vital for loving relationships. Rather than focusing on a structured set of questions, consider ways you can incorporate these important qualities into your relationship.