The Dos and Don'ts of Dating a Coworker

Does it ever seem like the office is a hub for budding romances? Plenty of our favorite fictional couples certainly started out as office flirtations or coworker crushes. Think Jim and Pam from “The Office,” Mulder and Scully from “The X-Files,” or David and Patrick from “Schitt's Creek.” 

After all, most adults spend a third of their lives on the job; it's little wonder that sparks might fly with a cute colleague. While such romances are common, dating a coworker can disrupt office etiquette and create challenges in your work and love life. Some workplaces even have strict guidelines prohibiting office romances.

While online dating has changed how people meet romantic partners, the workplace still ranks as one of the top five places for heterosexual couples to meet. One survey found that more than 60% of U.S. adults have dated a co-worker at some point during their career. While the same survey found that 43% of these office romances ultimately ended in marriage, that doesn't mean that workplace relationships don't have the potential to create problems.

Assessing the Worthiness of the Relationship

The first challenge before you date someone in the workplace is perhaps the most important; deciding whether it's worth the risk. Jumping into a whirlwind romance might seem romantic; the reality can be much less gratifying if you later realize you're all wrong for each other.

There are plenty of great reasons why people decide that dating in the workplace is worthwhile. After all, you spend the bulk of your day interacting with them, so you probably feel comfortable with them and have gotten to know them pretty well. Your initial romantic first impressions can be good predictors of how successful a relationship might be. 

Because you work together, you also have a well of shared experiences to draw you together. Such connections can give you plenty of stories (and inside jokes) that can help you bond outside of work. 

But that doesn't mean you shouldn't seriously consider some of the risks of dating a colleague. Potential challenges you might face while dating a coworker include:

• Workplace gossip
• Perceptions of favortism
• Problems with human resources
• Conflict or discomfort following a breakup
• Negative effects on your work
• Risks to your job

Understanding Formal Policy

Let's say you've weighed the risks and decided that, yes, this person is worth pursuing. You're interested and they're interested, so what’s stopping you? 

Even if the relationship has plenty of promise, you also need to consider your company's formal workplace dating policies. 

"I know it sounds corny, but…my biggest piece of advice is read the handbook! Everything you need to know about relationships at work should be explained in detail, including any legal issues that might arise due to your actions or lack thereof," advises Tramelle D. Jones, a career and resume coach, wellness expert, and founder of TDJ Consulting.

Office romances may be forbidden in some workplaces, while others stipulate that a relationship must be disclosed to a manager or human resources. Always check to find out the official policy before starting a relationship to avoid possible repercussions.

It's important to note that employers should utilize special discretion for LGBTQIA+ workplace relationships. Company policy may require people to disclose their relationship to HR, but this can be complicated for employees who do not want other people at work to know their sexual orientation.

According to the Society for Human Resource Management, workplaces should treat LGBTQIA+ employees the same as other employees but utilize discretion to avoid disclosing a person's identity.

Sexual Harassment and Discrimination

Workplace dating isn't illegal–but sexual harassment and discrimination are. Dating a coworker isn’t a legal violation as long as the relationship does not violate federal rules against sexual harassment. But it's that potential risk of harassment accusations and lawsuits that concern employers. Plus, there is the worry of any potential legal ramifications they may face if the relationship turns sour. 

According to the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC), a relationship crosses the line if it involves:

• Unwanted sexual advances
• Conduct that constitutes sexual harassment
• Interferes with a person's work
• Creates a hostile, intimidating, or offensive work environment
• Involves requests for sexual favors
  

Taking It Slow

Even after you've weighed the risks and checked company policy, it's still important to proceed with care after you've decided to date your coworker.

Rushing into a romance with someone at work can be a recipe for disaster. To build a solid romantic relationship (and avoid risking your professional relationship), it's important to take things slow and build a solid foundation first.

For example, if you move too quickly, things could become very awkward at work if you suddenly realize they aren't a good match for you. On the other hand, you might find yourself so besotted that it's hard to focus on your work–which might put both of your jobs in peril.

Talking it out and making a plan is the best way to avoid problems. Discuss how you'll approach the relationship, why taking things slowly is important, and how you'll keep things strictly professional at the office.

Maintaining Professionalism

In addition to taking it slow, it is essential to set some ground rules. Maintaining professionalism is key. That means establishing and maintaining some clear boundaries between your personal and professional lives.

"People can maintain professionalism in the workplace while dating if they have the emotional stability and resilience to handle a breakup," says Frank Thewes, LCSW, a therapist and owner of Path Forward Therapy.  "If either party can't handle that extreme outcome, then maybe the relationship has to be reconsidered."

Skip the Office PDA

Keep it strictly professional in the workplace. That means no public displays of affection or discussions of personal matters while at work. Treat each other the same way you'd treat colleagues when you are on the clock or in the presence of your officemates. (And lay off any pet names when you're at work).

Keep Firm Boundaries

Create a clear separation between your careers and your personal lives. That means not talking about your personal life at work and vice versa. 

"Get clear about the nature of your relationship with your partner and ensure that both of you are on the same page regarding your expectations and boundaries," Jones suggests.

Strong boundaries can minimize the risk of any conflicts of interest arising that might jeopardize your job or relationship. Plus, it helps support a healthier work-life balance.

Don't Show Favoritism

Be cautious about treating your partner and coworkers equally. "If possible, avoid discussing your relationship with other colleagues or involving them in personal matters to avoid any unfair judgment from others in the workplace," Jones suggests.

 If your coworkers know that you are dating, they are likely to feel resentful if they think that either of you is getting special treatment based on your relationship status. Circumvent the issue by being fair and equitable to everyone.

Dealing With Challenges

Dating a coworker is more common than you might think, but that doesn't mean it's always easy. Some challenges that can throw a wrench in your work life and your love life include:

• Unwanted attention and office gossip
• Difficulty staying professional
• Personal conflicts that bleed over into the workplace
• Workplace conflicts that boil over into arguments during your personal time together
• Awkwardness or discomfort from colleagues
• Jealousy or anger from coworkers who think the relationship is leading to favoritism
• Difficult power dynamics, particularly if one partner is in a position of authority over the other
• Increased stress from trying to juggle workplace obligations, the relationship, and the need to keep things strictly professional
• Distress and conflict if the relationship ends in a breakup

Not every workplace romance will end in a long-term commitment, so be professional if things don't work out. If the relationship ends in a breakup, you need to keep your eye on the bigger picture. Focus on your work, and don't let any personal drama lead to disruptions in the workplace. 

While you might be tempted to avoid (or seek out) your ex at work, don't. It might not be easy, but it's important to treat them just like you would any other coworker. "Conflicts happen in any relationship, but it's essential to handle them maturely and avoid arguing or discussing personal matters in the workplace," Jones says.

Legal Considerations

There are a number of legal considerations to keep in mind before dating a coworker. These include the potential for:

• Sexual harassment: The relationship must be 100% consensual. Unwelcome comments, advances, or requests may constitute sexual harassment.
• Policy violations: While a company might not fully prohibit all workplace dating, they may have certain rules against dating subordinates.
• Privacy issues: You may have certain expectations of privacy, but it can be difficult to maintain on a day-to-day basis when you are romantically involved with a colleague. 
• Conflicts of interest: Relationships that involve a supervisor and a subordinate can create a conflict of interest, including the potential for abuse of power.
• Discrimination and retaliation: If the relationship ends, it may lead to claims of discrimination and retaliation if one person feels they are being treated unfairly.

"Most companies are concerned about workplace relationships, especially between a supervisor and a subordinate, since romantic relationships can get messy!" says Jones. "It's the organization's responsibility to monitor violations of company policy to prevent situations from escalating into sexual harassment claims, conflicts of interest, and/or hostile work environment lawsuits,"

Thanks to the #MeToo movement, more and more people are aware of the sort of abuses that people often experience in the workplace. That includes the often subtle ways that people may feel pressured into a relationship with a coworker.

The issue gets thornier when a subordinate employee dates someone higher up the chain of command, such as someone dating their boss. First, there is the concern that the person may have entered the relationship due to pressure or fear of retaliation if they say no. This puts the organization at risk of lawsuits due to sexual harassment creating a hostile work environment.

Plus, other employees might perceive favoritism or believe that the subordinate employee is engaging in the relationship as a way to gain professional favors or advancement. Such perceptions can lead to office gossip and undermine a person's professional accomplishments.

Before you ask your coworker out, make sure that you're both on the same page in terms of interest. Neither of you should be pressured or obligated to say yes to a date. Pay attention to social cues and consider the factors that might be in play, including power dynamics and workplace roles. Make sure the other person feels safe and able to turn you down if they are not interested.

Seeking Support and Advice

You may also find it helpful to talk to others about the potential relationship and what it might mean for your personal and professional life. When caught in that initial thrill of infatuation, it's easy to get wrapped up in positive feelings about the other person and become less objective about the situation.

Consider talking to a good friend, career expert, mental health professional, or even a lawyer. 

Research suggests that how people take advice about workplace romances depends significantly on the advice itself. People are more likely to listen to advice that is positive and supportive but less receptive to advice that is unsolicited, pessimistic, vague, or critical.

If you are currently dating a coworker and it is affecting your work life in unexpected ways, consider reaching out to a mental health professional. They can help you work on establishing and maintaining boundaries. You can also develop coping strategies that will help you manage your interpersonal relationships, stress, and work-life balance more effectively.

Keep in Mind

While more and more people are making love connections online, the workplace is still one of the most common settings for romance to flourish. There's no doubt it can be a place to meet someone you share a close connection with–but there's also a lot of potential for things to go wrong.

Before you broach the possibility of a relationship, spend some time thinking about the personal and professional implications of an office romance. Does the other person welcome this interest? Do they feel safe turning you down? If the answer to either of those questions is anything less than an emphatic "Yes," then a potential romance is a no-go. 

Also, consider what it might mean for your career and mental health. Could dating your coworker harm your career? Will it make it more challenging to interact with your colleagues? And how will you respond if the relationship doesn't work out? Only you can answer those questions, but it's worth considering the risks and benefits before deciding if dating your coworker is the right choice.

Love can be found in many places, and plenty of people have found lasting love with a colleague. Just make sure you've weighed the risks and consulted the official policies before you decide if this is the right choice for you.