Honestly, the Talking Stage of Dating Isn't *That* Bad—Let Us Explain

They’re the last person you text before you go to sleep and the first you hope to hear from in the morning. You're giddy whenever you see a text message from them and feel butterflies when you're hanging out IRL. You're worried about coming on too strong and ruining the delicate connection you’re building by oversharing. Infatuation can be quite a drug and in the talking stage of dating, it's what you’re constantly hopped up on. 

The talking stage of dating refers to those early days of intense infatuation when you're getting to know someone before possibly entering a committed relationship. The label is often used colloquially and in pop culture to describe those undefined moments in a budding relationship.

While the talking stage can be exhilarating for a time, it often can be filled with dread. You’re still getting to know each other and you're desperately trying not to give (or get) the ick. One or both of you may be seeing other people at the same time. Not to mention, the threat of being ghosted is thick. Think of the talking stage like the trial period of dating—there’s no guarantee things will progress forward and that shaky ground can be hard for many folks.

What Even Is the Talking Stage?

You know the talking stage if you’re in it. It is the are we, aren’t we era of dating. I’m a therapist and I hear from folks navigating the talking stage often. Typically, they’re in that stage for a few months—around three to four, specifically. Any sooner than that and folks run the risk of jumping into a new relationship when they’re not quite ready or haven't really gotten to know each other.

Alternatively, staying in this phase of dating for a long might stall your future goals related to romantic partnerships like marriage or children. Or, even worse, you'll realize you’ve been in a years-long situationship later on down the road. 

Why The Talking Stage Matters

Here’s the thing: the talking stage may be uncomfortable but it's really important. It allows time for you and the person you’re dating to get to know each other. Anticipation and excitement around the relationship can build as you two cultivate your connection through talking. Your dealbreakers, nonnegotiables, and commonalities become conversation fodder. It is also important to pace yourself when getting to know someone. Rushing into relationships can leave you vulnerable and attached to someone who might not be the right fit. 

How Do You Know If You’re In the Talking Phase?

You’re in the talking stage if you’re casually dating—going on dates, meeting each other's friends, maybe even having sex—but aren't in a defined relationship. This stage is typically what preludes the what are we talk. Communication is usually heavily dependent upon text, though sometimes people will FaceTime or talk on the phone. Even if you’re hanging out in person, deep vulnerable talks may not be happening IRL yet because it feels too vulnerable. 

When you’re in the talking stage, boundaries aren’t very clear. You might feel it is important to continue going on dates with other folks to keep your options open. Or, you may feel like you don’t want to give anyone else your attention, and that alone can spike some fear. Regardless of where you land, you might feel some dating anxiety about what is to come. 

So You’re Talking…Now What?

Look, the talking stage can bring about *so* much anxiety because everything is super unclear and undefined. But there are ways to soothe those understandable nerves—here's how.

Know If The Talking Stage Is Going Well

Not having a relationship title can definitely be nerve-wracking but you can feel a teensy bit better knowing the talking stage is going well. A good talking stage means an official relationship may be on the way. Some signs of a good talking stage include:

• Kind, consistent, and fun communication with eventual plans being made
• Your texts are answered consistently in a reasonable amount of time (unless there’s a communicated reason for otherwise, like the person you’re texting is at work)
• You two have plenty of things in common and conversation seems to flow with ease
• The chemistry is present over text and when you're together in person
• Both parties are on the same page about what they are looking for

When The Talking Stage Isn't Going Well

Ways you can tell the talking stage isn’t going too well? You might be waiting for responses to your texts for hours or even days. Plans to meet up in person seldom end up happening. It feels like you’re the one to carry the conversation along. Or, you might feel bored by the person you’re talking to. And, any chemistry that was firing off over text falls flat when hanging out IRL. 

Naturally, navigating the talking stage and knowing if it's going good or bad is hard because things are so early! But licensed marriage and family therapist Janell Cox recommends focusing more on behaviors than words. For example, she says to remain attuned to the other person's actions—whether they instigate plans, want to see you beyond having sex, and if they generally make themselves available.

“If you feel nervous or anxious, this is information,” she explains, adding that it's important to trust your gut while in the talking stage. 

Surviving (and Thriving) in The Talking Stage and Beyond

There are two common obstacles in this period: ghosting or experiencing a slow fade in communication. We dig into both problems—plus offer coping strategies—down below.

Getting Ghosted and How to Cope

If you get ghosted during the talking stage, you’re not alone. It's an all too common experience.

Some prefer to reach out via text message to get clarification on why the ghosting occurred. If you choose to do so, be super clear on what information you hope to receive. Is there ever an excuse for ghosting? Will knowing why this person behaved in an emotionally unavailable manner actually shift your feelings about the situation?

Suppose you feel you need to give yourself closure in a ghosting situation. In that case, you can send the following text without expecting or needing a response, according to dating coach Erika Ettin: “I'm not sure what happened, but I'm disappointed I never heard back from you after the time we spent together. I do wish you had kindly let me know you were no longer interested. Regardless, this will be my last communication.”

If you are no longer feeling a connection and don't want to ghost, you can text: “Thanks so much for the time and experiences we shared. Unfortunately, I am not feeling the connection I'm looking for but I wish you all the best.”

When a Relationship Slowly Fades

You also might experience a “slow fade” aka when the responses and hangouts become less and less frequent. This is an opportunity to be direct and ask the other person their feelings. Sometimes communication can slow down due to circumstances, but other times it can be the person isn’t comfortable saying they’re ready to move on directly. A conversation can nip this conundrum in the bud. 

How Dating Apps Exacerbate the Talking Stage

Then, there’s the dating apps of it all. The research proves what most of us know to be true: dating apps aren’t going anywhere, so we might as well learn to live with them.

Again, harkening back to Janell’s insight—if you’re feeling anxious about this conversation, this is a sign of valuable information for you to hold about your attachment style, how secure you feel in the relationship, and if this person is the right fit for you. 

Taking It to The Next Level

Things are feeling good and you’re ready to get out of the talking stage? We don’t blame you. There’s an art to navigating this delicate decision. “If there has been emotional intimacy established, this won’t be as hard,” explains Janell. But, if it feels impossible, she warns, it may not be the right time or the right person. 

If you need a quick script to start off the conversation, Janell’s got you covered. Here are some phrases to get you started:

• “Hey, I would love to check in about where we are in terms of how we are each feeling at this point.”
• “I'm really enjoying getting to know you and would love to keep going. I have decided to stop seeing other people and focus my time and attention on you. What do you think? What are you feeling ready or not ready for?…”
• “I'm interested in seeing you exclusively, how do you feel about that?”
• “I would love to be boyfriend/girlfriend/in a relationship/exclusive with each other. What are your thoughts?”

Above all, remember what Janell says: dating is a learning process. It's a bump ride full of twists and turns but one you should enjoy nonetheless.