Swinging 101: Deciding If It's Right For You

What do upside-down pineapples, a black ring worn on one's right hand, and pink flamingos on display in a yard have in common? They're all signs that a person is into swinging. That's when a couple—typically a cishet couple, but queer couples as well—enjoy having sex with other people together.

Swinging is a form of ethical non-monogamy, and it's estimated that about 1% of adults in the United States are swingers. You may be wondering about how swinging differs from other forms of non-monogamy, and also if it's right for you. Read on to learn everything you need to know in order to make an informed decision about the swinging lifestyle.

Defining the Swinger Lifestyle

Intimate relationships are deeply personal, and no two couples do them exactly the same. That goes for swinging, too.

"Because people set their own parameters when it comes to lifestyle decisions, there is no set-in-stone definition of a 'swinger lifestyle," says sex therapist and SohoMD co-founder Dr. Edward Ratush. "Based on the people I have counseled in this area, I look at it as a romantic partnership that, together, participates in sexual situations with other individuals and/or couples, potentially in group scenarios as well,' he adds.

Swinging is just one form of an open relationship. "A swinging couple may be married and go to sex clubs and take sex vacations with other couples, at times sleeping consensually with people outside the partnership," says Ratush. Typically, swinging involves swapping partners, but group sex or other formations can also occur.

While swinging was once way more taboo, and people into it had to signal to others by wearing certain clothing or accessories, it's much more accessible nowadays.

Websites such as SwingLifeStyle.com, which advertises itself as the world's largest swinging community, provide numerous resources for couples wanting to swing to find other swingers nearby. The site lists swingers clubs, which are the most straightforward way to meet other swingers in person, by state. While some states, such as Nebraska, don't list any, others have over a dozen.

Swinging and Polyamory Are Not the Same

Even though both swinging and polyamory are types of non-monogamy, the two are very different. Polyamory is about having relationships outside of a primary coupledom. They can be engaged in together by a couple or individually.

While those relationships might sometimes be sex-based, it's the "amory" in polyamory that differentiates it from other forms of non-monogamy: A polyamorous relationship implies one where the people in it are free to become emotionally invested in—and fall in love with—others.

Swinging, on the other hand, is about sex, and it's also centered around a couple taking part in sex with others together. Couples may not always have sex with others together, but the implication is that they will be in the same place, and if not participating in what their partner is doing, they may be watching it.

Approaching the Subject with Your Partner

Talking to your partner about becoming swingers may seem daunting, but upfront communication is key. Ratush suggests that first, you spend time thinking about why you are interested in this lifestyle. He says that if you haven't always considered non-monogamy an option, you should examine why you are now to ensure your reasons are healthy ones.

For instance, you shouldn't want to become a swinger due to a genuine romantic interest in a person outside of your relationship. "An example of an unhealthy reason would be a desire to have sex with someone outside of your relationship, then trying to frame it as a 'couples activity' to achieve a personal—but perhaps not mutually beneficial—sexual goal," Ratush explains. "If you are sure your desires come with no ulterior motives, then it’s time to introduce the idea to your partner," he says.

Ratush suggests that if you can answer "yes" to the following questions, "you can begin the conversation by focusing on these positives."

•  Do you know the degree of sexual openness of your partner?
• Is there a way you can test the waters without making your partner feel uncomfortable?
• Do you know your partner's love language and would swinging create more space for giving and receiving that kind of affection?
• Would swinging turn you on more towards your partner in some way and help forge an even deeper connection?

The Rules and Etiquette of a Swinger Lifestyle

In addition to following the rules of any swingers club or event you attend, you'll also want to have rules and boundaries set with your partner. Ratush says that "rule-setting (and following) is the most critical part of maintaining a swingers' lifestyle in a healthy manner.

Because there are high levels of intimacy, commitment, and trust involved here, boundaries must be set and agreed upon before any engagement." He suggests discussing any sex acts you'd be uncomfortable with your partner engaging in, and vice versa.

Once you are established with your partner about the boundaries around behaviors you will both honor, you'll want to familiarize yourself with some basics around swinging. For example, you should show up to parties with excellent hygiene, and it's considered polite to meet other couples as a couple yourself, not alone.

Most swinger clubs usually require a mandatory orientation which will help you and your partner get further accustomed to common rules and etiquette.

The Pros and Cons of the Swinger Lifestyle

As with most things in life, swinging has both upsides and downsides.

Swinging pros center around the fact that you get to be more sexually free than monogamy allows for. "The biggest pro to swinging is, of course, more sex and an opportunity to further explore one's sexual desire and gratification," says Ratush.

In addition to sex, it's a bit of a political statement: "Swinging intersects with many emotionally charged concepts—love, intimacy, commitment—while also challenging social constructs surrounding monogamy and adultery," explains Ratush.

On the flipside, Ratush notes that the potential for contracting an STI is increased when you introduce partners outside of a typical monogamous relationship. Swinger relationships are usually heterosexual ones, so because statistically men pass STIs to women more than women do to one another, and because women have a higher risk of contracting them from man, the chances of catching something may be higher than a person would care for.

Additionally, any time you introduce outside sexual activity into a relationship, you risk emotional issues arising.

Tips for Getting Started

If based on what you've read so far, swinging sounds like the right move for you and your partner, here's how you can get started.

First, make sure you and your partner agree on all the parameters of the situation. "The best advice I can give is that swinging works best when the underlying motives and rewards are similar for both partners," says Ratush. For example, someone might get turned on when they watch their partner participate in sexual acts with others and then loves being with them afterward, and vice-versa. Above all else, make sure you're on the same page," he says.

Once you have communicated clearly, you'll want to find a place for swinging in your area. You can start with apps like SLS (Swing LifeStyle) or SDC (aka Swingers Date Club) if you want to try virtually meeting others or head to a website like Swing LifeStyle, SwapFinder, or AdultFriendFinder to find a club or party in your area.

When you're ready to meet others, be sure to read up first about any rules a club or party may have. Even if you're meeting a couple from an app, familiarizing yourself with the basics will only help you have a successful time.

Safety and Consent Within the Swinger Lifestyle

Swinging is consent-based, just like all sexual interactions should be. No matter what the rules of the event or party you attend, it's imperative that you treat others with the respect and autonomy they deserve. No means no in all settings, everywhere, all the time. And just like in a nightclub, you'll want to avoid drinking excessively to ensure your decision-making skills don't become impaired.

Swingers who lead high-profile lives, or simply want to maintain privacy, may opt to use fake names in swinging settings. You may also want to avoid giving out personal information, such as your phone number, to other swingers.

Couples should decide about safety measures in advance, so that less discussion is needed when they're ready for action. Talk to your partner in advance about topics like condom usage, and then discuss again with anyone you may swing with.

Social, Emotional, and Relationship Implications

Swinging has the potential to make your relationship stronger, perhaps even deepening the bond you currently have.

If you and your partner don't communicate openly and honestly, swinging can damage your relationship. Additionally, Ratush notes that you "also must be ready to accept that friends and family outside of the relationship may have their own feelings and biases about the practice. Should these exploits come to light, it can impact those relationships as well."