Solo Polyamory Could Help You Embrace Your Independence in Love

Referring to myself as "solo poly" on dating apps garnered more questions from potential matches than nearly any other attribute I listed—and that's as a pretty seriously tattooed femme lesbian, a demographic that already warrants a lot of inquiries from others.

Most people couldn't wrap their brains around the idea that polyamory, which is all about having multiple partners and open communication, could simultaneously be centered around an autonomous, single-adjacent lifestyle.

If you're curious about how those two things can be true at once, and if you think that you might be a fit for a relationship model that melds clean communication with centering your own autonomy, you may be interested in solo polyamory. Given that more than 10% of the population has explored polyamory at some point, you're far from alone in your curiosity! Ahead, we'll discuss what it is, the pros and cons of it, and how to do it.

What Is Solo Polyamory?

Solo polyamory is the practice of having more than one partner or relationship, a la regular poly, that forgoes the notion of a polycule or other multiple-people centered relationship group. Instead, you focus on your partnerships alone.

For people seeking autonomy—which is the idea of having power over your own decisions in life based on what you believe to be best for you—solo poly can be a dream.

"Solo poly puts autonomy at the center of one's decision-making process. This gives solo poly people the space to prioritize their own wants and needs and only choose to be in relationships that are consistent with that," explains psychotherapist and clinical supervisor Madison McCullough, LCSW. 

Understanding Solo Polyamory

In standard polyamory, community is key. Partners often meet, or spend quality time with, the other partners of their partner. Sometimes they form relationships with numerous people at once, such as a triad. Solo poly is different from this. You keep the parts where you're communicative and open about others in your life, but there is no attempt to bring everyone together.

"People who practice solo poly typically do not have nesting or anchor partners, and often live alone," McCullough tells us. While that is often true, you absolutely can be solo poly despite being partnered. When I lived with my ex, I was solo poly. They weren't involved in who I dated, though I was open about everyone I was with, and no one ever met one another. My relationships were mine alone, and I kept all of my worlds separate. I kept that model for some time after my breakup, and it suited me wonderfully until a relationship entered my life that I wanted to explore more fully.

You can also be solo poly without having a partner, which is different from being single in one important way: Single people dating and heading toward a monogamous relationship don't typically share about others they are seeing. Being solo poly means that you are upfront and honest about your dating life with everyone in it.

Being solo poly is a dream for anyone who likes to have more than one partner but not spend all their time talking about their feelings and emotions. MucCullough notes that practitioners of this model "value independence, and are not necessarily looking to be brought into the deeper dynamics of a polycule, or to build relationships with metamours."

Being solo poly is also different from monogamy because that means you have one single partner, end of story. It's not the same as an open relationship either: In that scenario, you have a primary partner, and you engage with others in a more sexual and less romantic capacity. Rather, this is its own unique style.

The Good and the Bad of Being Solo Poly

The biggest advantage of solo polyamory is that you get to decide what is right for your life without having to default for what's right for someone else. It also is great for anyone who hates "processing," as it tends to keep the need for emotional discussions lower than is typical when you have multiple partners.

As an introvert and an autistic person, solo poly worked incredibly well for me because I didn't have to spend my time with numerous people at once, such as in a polycule, and I got to decide how deep—or not—I wanted each of my relationships to be.

Of course, solo poly doesn't come without challenges. McCullough says that solo poly people may be seen as less social, and as wanting to avoid deep interactions. "Just because people value their autonomy does not mean that they don't also want to cultivate meaningful relationships with other people," she explains.

"If anything, solo poly people are often much more attuned to their social capacity, which makes them much more discerning about the kinds of relationships they have," she adds. Additionally, she says being solo poly can lead to loneliness. "Many people who are solo poly value alone time, but that doesn't mean that the alone time is always easy or comfortable," she says.

Solo Poly in Practice

Being solo poly gives you the opportunity to explore your own autonomy and learn more about your wants and needs while maintaining your independence. The easiest way to begin this practice is to be clear about it with anyone you might want to date or engage with sexually.

Boundaries and your ability to set them will be key to performing this relationship model successfully. You'll want to be clear about how much time and energy you want to invest in each relationship, how much you want to discuss your partner(s)' other relationship(s), and what place each relationship will have in your day-to-day life. You'll also need to listen closely to the boundaries of others, and respect them completely.

"Make sure your partners understand your definition of solo poly, and that what you can offer them in a relationship is consistent with what they need, and vice versa," suggests McCullough.

Misconceptions and Stereotypes

There are common misconceptions that anyone who is polyamorous is slutty, or has loose morals, or is a sex addict. This simply isn't true.

Based on a variety of relationships, polyamory more than anything else is about having lots of love in your heart to share, and about not trying to make anyone be what they aren't. Rather, you value each person for what they can offer and the ways you connect, and you don't try to force them into activities that don't suit them.

Polyamory also gets a bad rap by critics for the notion that it's only for people who can't commit. Plenty of people stay in long-term poly relationships! It's a lot harder to be committed to multiple people than it is to one, so this simply isn't a true stereotype.

Tips for Practice

Practicing the following tips will help you get the most out of solo polyamory.

• Be self aware: Know what you want out of your relationships, and what your needs and wants are.
• Communicate openly: McCullough says you should review important boundaries, such as the following questions. "How much time do you want to spend with your partners? Are you interested in meeting their other partners? Are you comfortable spending the night in each other's spaces?"
• Know your expectations: Be clear with others what you expect from a relationship.
• Center your well-being: Keeping tabs on, and prioritizing your own emotional wellness is important to this model working out for you.
• Find community and support: Due to it being oriented around you alone, it may be harder than normal in polyamory to meet others also with this practice. Make a point to find others in your area or online who also practice solo poly.
  

Keep in Mind

Solo poly is great for people who value alone time, but it can lead to loneliness in challenging times. This can be avoided by always sharing about where you are at with your partners, and by taking the time to reflect on what you need and want out of each relationship you engage in.

To learn more, you can read blogs about being solo poly or listen to a solo poly podcast. It may not be for everyone, but solo poly works great for some.