I've Been Single for 4 Years. Is My Smut-Reading Habit to Blame?

On average, I read around 200 books a year with most being romance novels. I like all the subgenres—shifter romance, historical, mafia, marriage of convenience, the list goes on. I'm a dedicated member of the romance books Reddit channel, a regular #BookTok watcher, and a fanfiction fiend who spends days searching for hidden gems in Archive of Our Own (AO3), a fanfiction library.

Basically, I'm a book nerd. Have been since I was 13 and read the many One Direction fanfictions on Wattpad. My pre-teen years were all about gritty romances with bad boys who wore leather jackets, chain-smoked cigarettes, and treated the female protagonist like crap. Oh, and tons of smut, too.

A majority of my early romance reader experiences contained smut—aka sexually explicit scenes in books. Even now, in my early twenties, most of my novels have a degree of spice, whether that's fade-to-black (when content happens off-page) or an in-your-face sexual moment between two characters.

Most single women (lol, me) are as frustrated and at times hopeless when it comes to dating but their reading choices don't reflect that. We're all obsessed with book boyfriends, perfect romance, and fairytale love. After all, romance novels are a billion-dollar industry that's growing at an unprecedented rate every year. Does this obsession over fictional love and/or the perfect level of steaminess in these storybook relationships come at the expense of our dating lives? I'm not sure, but I did some digging to find out.

When Reading Smut Bleeds into Real Life

Perhaps, I've been single for too long (I have), but I often fantasize about book characters and wonder: why can't I have that in real life? These book boyfriends are *literally* killing their enemies to protect their women and meanwhile, I can't get a text back.

And I'm not the only one who feels this way. So many BookTokers have made videos comparing the disappointment that is real-life men to fictional characters.

And yes, I understand these characters are fictional but what they're doing—being intentional and communicative, showing love and care—is what I want from my partner. Are my expectations too high or am I being delusional and ignoring how IRL dating works?

Sex therapist Dr. Katherine Hertlein leans more towards the latter. “It's important to remember erotica characters and storylines are crafted for entertainment, with exaggerated and idealized relationships,” she says. “For example, while a romance novel might depict a partner who always knows exactly what to say and do, real-life relationships require communication and effort to understand each other’s needs.”

She continues, adding that most romance novels don't include the mundane stuff (i.e. the awkward and sometimes even dull but very important getting-to-know-you conversations between potential partners). Things like communication challenges or conflict. They rarely—if ever—include the courting stage of dating. Romance novels, frankly, ignore all the bad parts of dating and relationships and paint a very pretty, idealized picture we read about and covet for ourselves.

What Does Reading Smut Say About Relationships, Dating, and Sex?

There's nothing wrong with reading erotica or smut. If anything, it's a form of escapism, says Dr. Hertlein. “The growing popularity of romance and erotic novels suggests that more people are enjoying the escapism that comes with getting into these kinds of stories.“

More people are also eager to learn about their sexual desires, says Dr. Janet Brito, a sex therapist and founder of The Sexual Health School. She credits the popularization of smut to individuals seeking inspiration to improve their own sex lives and the rising interest in different relationship types like polyamory.

Even single people like myself who avidly read smut can find value. Research shows that consuming sexually explicit content helps people feel more sexually confident with themselves and their bodies. I wasn't taught to feel okay with sex and sexual desires, but erotica and smut have become safe spaces for me to explore arousal and excitement with less shame and guilt.

Smut Promotes Unrealistic Sex

All of this to say, romance novels are still a fantasy, and so is the sex in them. Think about it—how often does smut show the awkwardness of sex? We never read about queefing or farts, gag reflexes, failing condoms, erectile dysfunction, messiness of the lube, and even accidents and injuries. Smut has its benefits but it can be harmful to your relationship and sex life if you're comparing your IRL sex life to a fictional one.

“Consuming a lot of erotic literature might lead to unrealistic expectations about sex,” Dr. Hertlein explains. “The scenarios, physical appearances, and behaviors depicted in smut are often exaggerated or idealized, which can create dissatisfaction with real-life sexual experiences.”

Moreover, smut often promotes an unrealistic depiction of orgasms. A 2013 study found that most book female protagonists reach the Big O more than male characters and many of these orgasms occur via penetration, which is not realistic for most. (In fact, a 2015 study reported that 36.6% of women between 18 and 94 need clitoral stimulation to orgasm, not just penetration).

The 2013 study also concluded that female orgasms in books are presented as physical transformations that happen in minutes. Something, as a woman, I can say is very rare. According to research, it takes a majority of women at least 17 minutes to reach orgasm during partnered sex, if an orgasm is reached at all.

How to Have a Healthy Sex Live While Reading Smut (Because, Yes, It's Possible)

Sometimes, we readers get swept up in the fantasies. Eyes so glued to the paperback novel that IRL intimacy and sex have become non-existent. While a smut addiction does not exist, according to Dr. Brito, there is such a thing as too much smut, especially if it's beginning to impact your relationships.

“It may become unhealthy if you're neglecting other responsibilities or avoiding engagement in real-life relationships,” she says.

You don't have to quit entirely but establishing boundaries could help. “To maintain a healthy relationship with erotica without damaging your sexual and romantic relationships, set limits on reading time to ensure it doesn't interfere with quality time with your partner,” Dr. Hertlein says. “Prioritize real-life intimacy by consciously focusing on physical and emotional connections with your partner over fictional experiences.”

Always reflect on your desire to read erotica, Dr. Hertlein adds. If you're reading smut because you like it, great! But if you find yourself obsessed with the sex or romance in the novel because it's lacking in your own life and preventing you from real-life intimacy, maybe it's time to put the smut reading on pause for reflection and in-person connection.

So, Does Smut Ruin Dating?

The short answer? No. The long answer? Too much smut may create intimacy, dating, and relationship issues. But that's where discernment comes in.

“Accept that romance and smut books are primarily designed for entertainment,” Dr. Brito advises. “They often feature characters with ideal qualities and nearly perfect relationships. While they may include elements of real-life scenarios, their main purpose is to entertain you.”

Certain things like weird and awkward sex or miscommunication just aren't entertaining, so most romance and erotica won't include them. But that doesn't mean they don't happen in real life. Not every sexual moment between you and your partner (or even yourself) will be as magical as the novels claim. And dating sometimes sucks!

Your perfect partner may not be a billionaire mafioso who kills any man who looks at you. It's very unlikely you'll randomly stumble upon the heir to a multi-million-dollar corporation and fake marry him to save your family from their rising debt. Frankly, you'll likely kiss lots of toads before you meet a prince.

Because, unfortunately, that's the real world. And we live there, not in the sentences and fragments of an author.

Takeaways

It's so easy to get swept into the romanticism of it all, but becoming disconnected from reality and lost in fantasy only leads to disappointment and maybe sadness, resentment, and despair.

Dating is already hard and I don't need to make it any harder by being delusional. Finding a book boyfriend (does a thing even exist?) is not as easy as these female protagonists proclaim. And even if I find one, there's no certainty that we'll be compatible, have a happily ever after, or even have a good sex life. Hell, we may break up after two to three years.

The story may be set in stone but reality isn't. Keep that in mind the next time you're scrolling on Hinge and believe you found the *one.* Chances are, they're nothing more than another number.