Is Your Friend Sabotaging You? Watch Out For These Red Flags

No one wants to believe their friend isn't their friend. They're supposed to be our ride-or-die, our shoulder to cry on, the yin-to-our-yang. But sometimes, things are just off. Maybe they downplay our successes, give us questionable advice, or seem a little too happy when things don’t go our way. But they're our friends...right?

These mixed signals can make us question our reality and wonder whether we’re making a big deal out of nothing or if something nefarious is happening, says Judy Ho Gavazza, PhD, ABPP, ABPdN, a neuropsychologist.

Below, we'll explore some subtle and not-so-subtle signs that a friend might actually be sabotaging you, even if it’s unintentional. It might be time to reevaluate your friendships and take steps to protect yourself, like perhaps breaking up with your friend.

10 Signs a Friend Is Sabotaging You

If you suspect that a friend might be sabotaging you, these are some red flags to look out for:

• They downplay your wins: You get that big promotion or crush a personal goal, and instead of celebrating with you, they shrug it off. “Whenever you mention something you’re excited about, their first words are something that brings you down,” says Dr. Gavazza.
• They’re always competing with you: Everything feels like a contest with them. Every story, every achievement, every success—they have to have a better one. It's like they're always competing with you and trying to one-up you.
• They spill all your secrets: You confide in them, but somehow your business ends up circulating through your workplace or friend group.
• They’re only supportive when you’re struggling: When you’re down, they’re suddenly super caring, but when you’re thriving, they go quiet or distant. It’s like they need you to stay in a rough patch. Weird, right?
• Their compliments feel like insults: You know those “compliments” that actually make you feel worse? Like, “Wow, I wish I had your confidence to wear something like that.” These backhanded compliments are often intended to showcase something about you that isn’t very flattering, says Dr. Gavazza.
• Their advice always backfires: Ever notice how their “advice” seems to lead you straight into a mess? If their tips constantly leave you worse off, it might not be by accident.
• They badmouth you to others: Another telltale sign is making negative remarks about you in front of others, says Jenna Nielsen, MSW, LCSW, a therapist at ADHDAdvisor. She explains that if it feels like the person is always starting drama or gossiping about you, they probably don’t have your best interests at heart.
• They're always comparing you to others: They might constantly compare you to others and imply that you’re lacking. For example, when you buy a house, they may talk about someone else who just bought a bigger one.
• They're constantly putting you down: Subtle digs, public snubs, or just general negativity toward your ideas can be major red flags.
• They never apologize: They never admit their mistakes or apologize, even when they’ve messed up. Instead, they’ll deny it when asked directly and make you feel guilty for asking any questions or raising concerns, says Dr. Gavazza. Gaslighting 101.
  

Why Your “Friend” Might Sabotage You

It can be hard to believe that a friend could intentionally or unintentionally sabotage you. But according to the experts, these are some common reasons behind this kind of behavior:

• Jealousy: A friend might sabotage you due to jealousy—if they’re not happy with their own lives, they may want someone to be as miserable as them, says Dr. Gavazza.
• Envy: Envy is also a possibility. Your friend may wish they were like you or they desire what you have, says Audrey Hope, a counselor and relationship expert.
• Resentment: If there’s any unresolved tension or resentment in the friendship, whether from past conflicts, misunderstandings, or unspoken issues, the person might act out in subtle ways. Instead of addressing it directly, they may sabotage you as a passive-aggressive way of expressing their frustration.
• Competition: The person may feel like they are in direct competition for some reason, even if both of you are doing completely different things, says Dr. Gavazza. Instead of being happy for your wins, they feel the need to beat you or be better than you.
• Insecurity: Your accomplishments can make the person feel insecure about where they’re at. They may sabotage you to make themselves feel or look better, says Nielsen.
• Fear of change: Some friends might feel threatened by your growth and change. If you’re leveling up in life—getting a promotion, starting a new relationship, or pursuing new interests—they may feel left behind and try to hold you back to keep things as they were.
• Lack of empathy: The person may lack empathy and not understand how their actions are affecting you.
• Toxic relationship patterns: People often sabotage others because they’re used to toxic cycles in relationships, says Dr. Gavazza. She adds that it’s very rarely about you and more a reflection of how the person has been treated in the past.

What to Do If You Think Your Friend Is Sabotaging You

It can be tricky to be in a position where a friend might be sabotaging you. Here’s what you can do to handle the situation:

• Trust your intuition: We never expect those closest to us to hurt us or be against us in any way, says Hope. “Are they jealous? Do they not want me to succeed? Are they sabotaging me? These questions don’t even enter our minds because we would never imagine it possible. But you have to pay attention to your intuition.”
• Look for evidence: Pay attention to specific instances where your friend has sabotaged you. This can help you evaluate the situation more clearly. Is it a one-time thing or does it happen often? Are they intentionally hurting you, or could there be a misunderstanding?
• Have an honest conversation: It can be uncomfortable, but having an honest conversation might be necessary. Talk to your friend about your concerns, approaching the conversation calmly and respectfully. Be specific about the behaviors that are bothering you.
• Give them space to change: If they’re willing to acknowledge their behavior and work on it, give them a chance to make things right. People can change if they’re genuinely invested in the friendship.
• Set clear boundaries: If you feel like their behavior is negatively affecting you, it’s time to set boundaries. Let them know what’s not okay and establish limits for what you will and won’t tolerate in the friendship.
• Consider ending the friendship: It’s really important to surround yourself with people who are going to be positive, healing presences in your life, and sometimes you may have to put a friend on the back burner or even cut them out of your life if they keep sabotaging you, says Dr. Gavazza.
• Limit your interaction with them: If you can’t cut them out completely, because they’re a family member or colleague, think of ways you can relegate them to a smaller, less influential role in your life, Dr. Gavazza suggests.
• Seek support: Share your suspicions with someone you trust. It could be a friend, family member, colleague, or therapist—anyone who can offer a listening ear and genuinely has your best interests at heart.
• Prioritize your well-being: Remember, your peace of mind comes first. If the friendship is toxic, it’s okay to let it go. Sometimes stepping away is the healthiest choice you can make.
  

Takeaways

It's heartbreaking to think that a friend might be secretly sabotaging you. But by being aware of these red flags, you can identify toxic patterns and build healthier relationships. Remember, you deserve to have friends who lift you up—not drag you down.