The Unique Pain of a Short-Term Relationship Breakup

Sometimes, relationships last years or decades; whereas, other times they end within a few weeks or months. We’ve been dating someone for a short time but we realize we don’t vibe the way we thought we did, we have different values or goals, or the timing is just off.

What’s surprising, however, is that even short-term relationship breakups can be super painful. 

“A short-term relationship breakup can carry all of the feelings of a long-term relationship breakup. Grief is grief,” says Claudia de Llano, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of “The Seven Destinies of Love.”

In this article, we explore some of the reasons why short-term relationship breakups are so painful. We also asked the expert for some tips on coping and moving on.

Why Short-Term Relationship Breakups are SO Painful

Research shows us that breakups can hurt for many different reasons. These are some of the reasons why losing a relationship that only seemed to last a hot second can still be gut-wrenchingly painful:

• High expectations: Relationships often begin with high hopes and expectations. It’s natural to feel upset and disappointed when things don’t work out the way we’d hoped.
• Emotional investment: Even though the relationship was short-lived, we may have caught real feelings for the person and gotten emotionally invested.
• Unfinished business: Short-term relationships can sometimes be quite intense and leave us with a sense of unfinished business, says de Llano. “This sense of loss or rejection can leave us with unresolved feelings and questions that we carry on.”
• Unfounded attachment: Sometimes, in the early stages of a relationship when we’re still getting to know someone, we tend to get more attached to the idea of the person than the actual person. We’re still getting to know them and we haven’t discovered all their quirks and flaws yet, so it’s easy to idealize them in our minds.
• Rejection: A breakup, whether short-term or long-term, can trigger feelings of rejection and inadequacy, causing us to question our self-worth.
• Loss of future potential: Short-term relationships often carry the potential for something more in the future. When they end, we mourn not only the loss of the current relationship but also the loss of what could have been.
• Fear of being alone: Most of us experience some degree of fear at the thought of being alone all our lives. Losing a relationship and being single again can force us to confront this fear.
• Social stigma: There is often a societal expectation for people to be in successful relationships. Breaking up with someone so soon after we begin dating them can feel like a failure on a more public level.

Coping with the Breakup

Going through a breakup can be difficult and messy, but there are steps you can take to cope and heal:

• Follow the “no contact” rule: Cut off contact with your ex, at least for some time. This will give you space to heal and gain perspective. Delete their number, unfollow them on social media, and resist the urge to reach out. This also means not stalking them from your friends’ phones or fishing for news about them.
• Set boundaries: If you have common friends with your ex, set boundaries around discussions or outings related to your ex, until you’re comfortable seeing them again.
• Allow yourself to grieve: De Llano recommends allowing your feelings to surface and recognizing your pain rather than trying to suppress it and pretend you’re doing fine. It’s normal to feel sad, hurt, angry, confused, scared, or regretful after a breakup, even if the relationship was short-lived. It’s important to allow yourself to grieve and feel all the feels.
• Be kind to yourself: It’s easy to blame yourself, wonder what you could have done differently, or take the loss personally and think there’s something wrong with you. However, it’s important to extend the same kindness and compassion to yourself that you would offer to a friend in the same situation. “Avoid denigrating yourself or over-personalizing the loss,” says de Llano.
• Keep a journal: Writing your thoughts in a journal can help you identify and process your emotions. Take time to reflect on what you gained and what you learned, says de Llano.
• Lean on your loved ones: Reach out to friends and family for emotional support. They can keep you company and offer comfort. Talking to someone about your process can be really helpful, says de Llano.
• Practice self-care: Whether it’s doing yoga every day, binge-watching your favorite TV show, or cooking your favorite meal, it’s important to practice self-care and prioritize yourself. Try to get enough sleep, nutrition, and exercise, too.
• Be patient: Getting over a breakup, even a short-term one, takes time. Be patient with yourself and understand that there will be good days and bad days along the way. Take the small wins when you can.
• Seek professional help: A breakup can mirror the experience of having depression. It can also cause anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), substance abuse, poor self-esteem and self-confidence, and take a toll on your physical health. If you’re struggling to cope with the breakup, consider seeking help from a mental health professional. They can provide support and guidance, and help you develop coping skills.

Moving On

Moving on can be difficult when you’re struggling to function, questioning your self-worth, and feeling like a mess. When you’re ready, these are some strategies that can help you move forward with your life:

• Keep busy: Stay active and occupied. Do things you enjoy, to keep your mind engaged.
• Travel, if possible: Sometimes, a change of scenery can help you gain a fresh perspective. Traveling, even if it's just a short trip, can help refresh and rejuvenate you.
• Set goals: Use this time to set new personal and professional goals. Having something to work toward can give you a sense of purpose and distraction from the breakup.
• Avoid rebound relationships: Resist the temptation to jump into a rebound relationship. Take the time to heal and understand what you want in your next relationship.
• Use positive affirmations: Use positive affirmations to boost your self-esteem and confidence. Remind yourself that you can have a loving relationship if you want one.
• Reconnect with yourself: Sometimes, relationships can blur our sense of self. Use this time to rediscover who you are as an individual and what makes you happy outside of a relationship.
• Seek closure: If you feel like you need closure, consider having a respectful conversation with your ex. However, be prepared for the possibility that closure may not always be achievable or satisfying.
• Forgive and let go: Forgiving yourself and your ex for what happened can be liberating. Letting go of the emotional hold the breakup has on you can help you move forward.
• Start dating when you’re ready: When you feel ready, open yourself up to the possibility of dating again.