Help! I'm in a Sexless Marriage

Picture the first few years of your relationship. Everything feels like a dream, and you can't keep your hands off each other. As years go on, the physical intimacy you had with your partner slowly slips away by the wayside—so much so that sex becomes a big elephant in the room that neither of you feel comfortable enough to address anymore.

A sexless marriage is one in which there is little to no sexual activity between the partners. Some experts consider a marriage sexless if sexual intimacy is lacking for a year or more. Others define it as a marriage in which partners haven't engaged in sexual intercourse for one month. Many married couples experience this pattern of letting the physical aspects of their relationship hit a plateau, such as during the first few years of marriage, which is common, particularly if kids come into the picture.

If both partners are okay with this type of relationship, it doesn't call for concern. But often, one or both partners become frustrated or hurt by the loss of physical intimacy and sex. In this case, the intimacy that was once a part of the relationship but is no more signals a problem that needs to be addressed. Regardless, there are ways to work through it both together and separately, which starts with identifying the underlying cause.

Common Reasons for a Sexless Marriage

There are many possible reasons why a marriage may become sexless, including everything from health issues to lifestyle factors. Here's an overview of some common reasons for a sexless marriage.

Health Issues

A person's physical and mental health can have a major impact on their libido and desire for physical intimacy. Health concerns and disability can also disrupt the physiological process of arousal in both sexes.

Experiencing some level of sexual dysfunction is common, affecting roughly 43% of women and 31% of men. But if these issues last for more than a few months or are causing problems for you or your partner, it's a good idea to speak with a healthcare provider.

Mismatched Libidos

Not everyone desires the same amount of sex, and sex drive has a natural ebb and flow. When the partners' desire for sex does not coincide, it's easy for them to find themselves waiting to engage sexually until both partners are in the mood, which can be infrequent.

This is a common issue for couples according to the Sexual Medicine Society of North America (SMSNA). While it isn't always a problem, mismatched sex drives can lead to feelings of rejection for the partner with a high libido and feelings of guilt or annoyance for the partner with a low libido.

Childbirth

The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) reports that there isn't a defined time for when someone can have sex again after childbirth, but many healthcare providers recommend waiting for at least six weeks. Some may prefer to wait longer.

Spending post-childbirth time without sex typically wouldn't be considered a true "sexless marriage." Yet, whether someone who has just given birth is mentally and emotionally ready for sex depends on the individual.

The added stress of caring for an infant, body image issues, tiredness, and a fear of getting pregnant again can also affect libido after having a child.

Stress

Excessive stress can wreak havoc on your sex drive. The stress hormone cortisol plays a role in this process. When cortisol levels increase, sex hormones decrease, ultimately reducing your desire for sex.

In addition to the physical reasons why stress lowers sex drive, the psychological effects of stress can leave you feeling so tired, frazzled, and anxious that you simply don't have the desire or energy for sex. This can contribute to a sexless marriage.

Communication Issues

When you are in conflict with your partner, it can be difficult to maintain physical intimacy. You might not even feel like talking to them, let alone have a desire to engage in sexual activity.

Poor communication about sex, in general, can also lower sexual desire and arousal in individuals while impacting the body physiologically in terms of lubrication, orgasm, and erectile function. Additionally, these effects overall tend to be stronger for married individuals than those in dating relationships.

Erectile Dysfunction

Difficulty achieving or maintaining an erection can make it difficult to have sex, for a number of reasons. While erectile dysfunction (ED) is a common problem, it can also affect a person's anxiety levels, confidence, and self-esteem.

People who have ED symptoms should always talk to a physician to rule out an underlying health condition. Health issues that can lead to ED include type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, chronic kidney disease, and heart disease.

Low Sex Drive

Sometimes called hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD), low sex drive is an issue that both men and women may experience. The American Sexual Health Association shares that HSDD involves an absence of sexual desire, thoughts, or fantasies, leading to personal distress.

A variety of factors can contribute to HSSD development. Among them are depression, physical or sexual trauma, substance abuse or dependence, certain medications, or having a medical condition that causes low sexual desire, such as diabetes, hypertension, or metabolic syndrome.

Medication Side Effects

Many medications have sexual side effects. Some of the drugs that can cause sexual dysfunction include:

• Antidepressants
• Antihistamines
• Chemotherapy medicines
• High blood pressure medications (including diuretics)
• Hormonal medications
• Nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs)
• Opiates
• Parkinson's disease medicines

Mental Health Issues

Symptoms of depression include lack of energy, loss of interest and pleasure, social withdrawal, and depressed mood. All these factors can have an effect on a person's desire for sex and physical intimacy.

Bipolar disorder, anxiety disorders, and psychosis are additional mental health issues that can impair sexual desire, arousal, and satisfaction. Thus, treating these issues is important to effectively deal with a sexless marriage.

History of Abuse

Past sexual abuse can have long-lasting effects that influence both current and future relationships. Emotional reactions such as fear and shame, post-traumatic stress, and distortions in self-perception can seriously impact a person's sex life.

Life Issues

A number of different life factors and/or circumstances can also play a role in how frequently people engage in sex with their partner, including:

• Aging
• Body image issues
• Boredom
• Financial problems
• Grief
• Job loss
• Tiredness
  

How to Address a Sexless Marriage

If you have a low- or no-sex marriage, the first step is determining whether a lack of sex is a problem in your relationship. Whether you consider a low-sex or no-sex marriage an issue is entirely up to you and your partner.

There is no right amount of sex in a marriage. What's more important, in many cases, is whether you still have physical and emotional intimacy with your partner and whether both you and your partner are satisfied in your marriage.

Avoid comparing your marriage to others because every relationship is unique. While you might come across marital sex statistics that make you feel like you and your partner are not having enough sexual intimacy, research has found that going without sex is more common than you might think.

Here are some ways you can address the lack of sex in your marriage if it's a problem for you and your partner.

Communicate

Talk with your partner about the issue of low or no sex in your marriage. It may be difficult, but this communication is necessary. Even otherwise strong relationships can have problems with sex and intimacy. It isn't necessarily a sign that your marriage is weak or in trouble.

During this talk, Dr. Jennifer Litner, sexologist and found of Embrace Sexual Wellness recommends using first-person language while avoiding blaming or accusatory language. One way to do this is by saying, "I have been feeling disconnected lately since we haven't been as sexually active and I'd like to explore some ways to enhance our sexual connection. Would you be open to talking more about this?"

As you talk, aim to determine ways you both think can rekindle your sex life. Making a change will only work if both of you agree to change and work together.

Build Intimacy

If you have decided that you want to have more sex, consider putting sex on your schedule. It may sound unromantic, but it can also be exciting and special if done the right way. Scheduling gives you something to look forward to and shows a commitment to one another and your physical relationship.

Beyond sex, it's also important to explore other ways to build closeness that is often lost in low-sex or no-sex relationships. Physical intimacy doesn't only involve sex. Make an effort to renew your love and create that special spark.

Spending more time together, whether you're curled up on the couch watching television or taking turns giving each other a massage, builds foundational intimacy. Here are other intimacy-building activities you might consider:

• Try a new activity together.
• Do something physical together such as going on a walk.
• Schedule a vacation or getaway.
• Plan a staycation at home.
• Go on a scheduled date night.

Get Help

Depending on the underlying causes, seeking outside help may also be a good option. You might try a marriage retreat, workshop, or seminar to help with communication and connection. 

Consult a healthcare provider to address any underlying medical conditions that may be impacting your sex life. Seek support from a mental health professional together or separately to foster communication skills or learn stress management techniques.

If therapy feels like the right direction for you, consider seeing a counselor who focuses on sexual issues in marriage like a certified sex therapist. Your therapist can work with you to address any issues that are standing in the way of intimacy. Take these opportunities to focus on building a stronger, deeper marriage.

Will a Sexless Marriage Lead to Divorce?

While there is a lack of recent research on the topic, older studies have shown that lower sexual satisfaction and sexual frequency are associated with marriages breaking up. According to a 2015 study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science, having more sex indicates greater well-being for people in relationships, but only up to once a week.

Being dissatisfied with your sex life can breed trouble in a relationship. That is to say that the lack of sex itself isn't necessarily an issue, but rather any dissatisfaction associated with the lack of sex is.

If you're unsatisfied with the amount of sex you and your partner are having, you may be wondering whether your relationship can be sustained. Making the decision to end your marriage can be very complex. There are many factors that can contribute to feeling sexually satisfied in a partnership, and they can differ from person to person.

Next Steps If You Are in a Sexless Marriage

Michele Weiner Davis, author of the book "Sex Starved Marriage," explains why a low-sex marriage can become a major problem. "[It's] really about feeling wanted, feeling loved, feeling appreciated, and feeling connected," she says.

Davis goes on to say that because of hurt that can develop from not having needs met, the bond between a couple can dissipate to the point of putting the marriage at risk.

If your partner doesn't agree that there is a problem in your marriage and doesn't want to change, you will have to decide if a low- or no-sex marriage is a dealbreaker for you.

Keep in Mind

Whether being in a sexless marriage is a dealbreaker depends on the couple. But if you find yourself dissatisfied with the amount of sex you and your partner are having, the first step is to communicate this, then explore ways to find the intimacy that each of you needs to feel fulfilled.

There are many reasons that a relationship can become sexless, and many are treatable. Experiencing sexual issues in a relationship can be very difficult, but you don't have to manage it alone.