24 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Rekindling With Your Ex

Whether they were good for us, bad for us, or a mixed bag, exes conjure up a sense of deep familiarity and comfort that’s way too easy to long for post-breakup. In some cases, it might make perfect sense to get back with your ex, especially if the timing feels better. You’ve both grown, feel aligned, and deeply love and respect each other. 

Other times, however, pangs of loneliness, romanticized nostalgia, and wishful thinking can drive you to reunite. So when does it make sense to go for it or just let the ship officially sail? You can start by asking yourself (and your ex) these very important questions.

Why Getting Back With Your Ex Is *So* Tempting 

We want to get back with our ex for many reasons. Sometimes we miss what once was—AKA the familiarity of attachment—and easily forget why we cut ties in the first place. 

Then there's the fear of the unknown, says Dené Logan, MFT, author of Sovereign Love. “Although falling in love with someone new can be a euphoric feeling, starting over with someone who doesn’t know your history, your embarrassing quirks, and family pain points can be incredibly vulnerable and can activate a fear of rejection,” she explains.

Is It a Good Idea to Get Back With Your Ex? 

Generally speaking, getting back with an ex often isn’t the best idea. Especially if you separated due to misaligned life goals, growing apart, unhealthy patterns, or betrayals and traumas. However, in some isolated situations, getting back with your ex actually can make some sense. In these cases, the timing is right, personal growth has happened on both ends, and there’s a mutual desire to go the distance. 

In these cases, both parties will need to complete thoughtful and conscientious work to ensure that the ‘second chance’ is successful.

Signs You Shouldn’t  

• One person wants it more or is working harder than the other
• Abuse was or is present (physical, emotional, verbal, financial)
• There’s a substance abuse issue (active treatment and resolution should come first)
• Little to no changes have been made by one or both
• Important life goals and values remain fundamentally different and unaligned
• You’re feeling lonely/wistful versus seeing genuine potential in the partnership
• It feels more “convenient” versus “right”  

Signs You Should  

• Timing was an issue and circumstances have changed
• Personal growth, reflection, and changes in behavior have occurred with both parties
• Both parties are equally working on the relationship with a shared interest, commitment, and effort
• You’ve aligned on short and long-term life goals 
• Your communication patterns have improved
• You both have deep love and respect for each other 

What to Ask Yourself Before Getting Back With An Ex 

So how can you tell if it makes sense to get back together with your ex? Logan and Solit say to start by asking yourself some important questions:

• What primary issues caused the breakup, and have they been resolved?
• Am I romanticizing the past and overlooking glaring issues? 
• Have I spent enough time nurturing myself and my own growth?
• What am I looking for in a long-term partner, and does this person possess those attributes? 
• Is getting back together an authentic desire to be in a relationship with this particular person, or is it merely convenient or a reaction to loneliness? 
• What do I consider the core components of a healthy relationship? Can I find this in my former partner? 
• What do I admire most about who my ex is right now? (Friendship and respect are key in successful relationships.)
• How is this person showing up in our dynamic and in their life in general? Do I respect it? 
• Does my ex have the desire to change, and have they demonstrated a true ability to make those changes? 
• What do I understand about myself in our previous dynamic that I couldn’t see clearly before?
• Can I genuinely forgive and move on from past issues, or will they hinder our relationship? 
• Are there external pressures from others or outside factors? Does the desire to get back together come internally? 
• What traits does being with this person bring out in me? Does it make me more of who I am and want to become, or does it take me farther away from it?

Questions to Ask Your Ex Before Getting Together Again 

Once you’ve done some personal work regarding whether to get back with your ex, now it's time to speak with your ex and ensure everyone is on the same page. Start by asking these questions:

• Why do you want to be with me right now? 
• Is our desire to get back together mutual, and are we both willing to put in an equal amount of effort? 
• What does being with me bring out in you that is positive and that can be challenging?
• What are some ways you’ve navigated the time we've been apart? (e.g. did they distract themselves by jumping into partying/dating or by doing introspective work?)
• What have you discovered about yourself in the time we’ve been apart?
• What are your short and long-term goals? Are they in alignment with yours?
• Do you understand what “went wrong” the first time and can you take accountability for the part you played in the breakup?
• What have you learned from mistakes made and how can you better engage in a relationship with me?
• How are we going to address the issues we faced in the past differently than we have before?
• Do you still have any unresolved feelings about our relationship/breakup and are there any resentments it would be important to honestly address?
• Can we acknowledge that our first relationship is over, and are you willing to start a new one with me?
• How do you envision our future together?
  

Whether you decide to move forward together or continue your separate ways, honestly reflecting and communicating with intention will help you gain greater clarity and confidence. Only you can both know what is truly best for yourself, so take as much time as you need to make this decision.