What to Do If Your Partner Is Not Interested in Sex

Research suggests that sexual satisfaction plays a pivotal role in healthy relationships. However, many factors affect the quality of a couple's sex life and individual sexual desire throughout a relationship, and "dry spells" are a common concern.

It may be due to a short-term stressor that has driven your partner to distraction. Even more commonly, a sudden change to a hectic schedule—from end-of-year exams to a do-or-die work deadline—can leave your partner exhausted and uninterested in anything more than sleep or a night in front of the TV.

This can stir feelings of frustration, self-doubt, and worry that this is your first step toward a sexless marriage.

Is It Normal Not to Be Interested in Sex?

There is no rule as to when a dry spell is "too long." It depends on the couple's age, how long they have been together, and what their usual pattern of sex has been.

It is important not to confuse "average" frequency estimates with what is normal for you and your relationship. Every individual and couple is different, and sexual desire fluctuates naturally over time. The important thing is that you're both satisfied with the amount and quality of the sex that you have.

Ultimately, if a dry spell is causing tension in the relationship or is undermining the confidence of one or both partners, action is necessary—and it can be tricky.

Why Your Partner May Be Less Interested in Sex

Decreased sex drive and intimacy are common as people age, with a decline beginning around age 45. Although you might assume that your partner is having an affair, is gay, or has simply lost interest in you, you must remain open to all possibilities.

More importantly, you must distinguish between low libido (lack of sexual desire), hypoactive sexual desire (the absence of sexual fantasies), and sexual dysfunction. Each can have physical and psychological causes, but treatments are highly individual. By understanding the difference, you can approach the problem more objectively and avoid many of the emotional repercussions.

Low Libido

Low libido is a lack of sex drive that can lead to decreased sexual activity. Treatment requires discovering the underlying causes. These might include:

• Stress
• Depression
• Erectile dysfunction
• Hormone imbalances (spurred by menopause and hypogonadism)
• Genital pain (such as vaginismus or balanitis)
• Chronic illness
• Medications
• Low self-esteem
• Relationship problems

Other emotional challenges can also play a role in how much a person desires sex.

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Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder

Hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD) is defined as the absence of sexual fantasies and desire for sexual activity. It is the most common type of sexual dysfunction among women, affecting 8.9% of women between the ages of 18 and 44, 12.3% between the ages of 45 and 64, and 7.4% over the age of 65.

Research suggests that HSDD is linked to a number of negative outcomes including declines in health-related quality of life, more frequent negative emotions, lower levels of happiness, and less satisfaction with partners.

Sexual Dysfunction

Sexual dysfunction refers to any problem that occurs at any point during the sexual response cycle that prevents an individual or a couple from having a satisfying sexual experience. This can include problems with desire, arousal, orgasm, or pain.

Types of sexual dysfunction in men include erectile dysfunction, delayed ejaculation, and premature ejaculation. In women, types of sexual dysfunction include inadequate lubrication and an inability to relax the vaginal muscles to allow intercourse.

What to Do When Your Partner Has Lost Interest in Sex

The first step: Open a line of communication. Approach your partner about sexual problems in neutral territory where you can discuss things privately and calmly.

Express yourself sensitively and without any suggestion of blame. Share your worries within the context of the relationship rather than asserting how "you" are causing "me" to worry. That is where worry turns to blame.

• If your partner doesn't know what is causing the problem but acknowledges its existence, suggest a physical exam. Low libido is often the result of an undiagnosed medical condition (such as low testosterone, high blood pressure, hypothyroidism, or diabetes) or a side effect of medications such as antidepressants, birth control pills, and some prostate medications.
• If your partner shuts down or is reluctant to discuss the issue, take charge and don't take things personally. This is not about you failing your partner or your partner failing you. Rather, you both must take ownership of the problem as a couple. By taking the lead—and suggesting couples counseling, if needed—you can bring the issue into the light and use the process to strengthen, rather than hurt, the relationship.
• If your partner can pinpoint a problem (such as stress at work or feeling tired), work together to find a solution. Focus on incremental change, and seek medical help or therapy if needed.

Can a Relationship Survive Without Desire?

Remember: Solving any relationship problem—whether sexual, financial, or emotional—is a process and not an event. Take your time, be patient, and, if needed, seek counseling to ensure your self-esteem and confidence remain intact. Help is available to get your relationship back on track.