Feeling Jealous in a Relationship is The Worst Here's How to Cope

Jealousy is an uncomfortable emotion, but it's fairly normal. We all have minor insecurities and sensitivities that can cause us to feel jealous from time to time. Sometimes it arises when a person feels insecure about their relationship.

"Experiencing jealousy in a relationship is fairly normal, especially in a new relationship or if the relationship is undergoing changes," says Katie Schubert, PhD, a sex and couples therapist and CEO of Cypress Wellness Center.

One study of married couples who sought relationship counseling found that 79% of men and 66% of women defined themselves as jealous. While this feeling is prevalent, problems can arise when jealousy moves from a healthy emotion to an unhealthy and irrational one.

Jealousy in the Context of a Relationship

When it relates to our relationships, jealousy is a reaction to a perceived threat—real or imagined. The jealous partner most likely fears that an outsider is trying to win the affection of their loved one.

Jealousy is also often associated with feeling angry, contemptuous, anxious, and depressed, which is why jealousy can be destructive and potentially dangerous.

There’s no reason to believe that jealousy will improve without being addressed. Jealousy is not an emotion that can be banished with wishful thinking. It goes right to the core of the self and has deep roots, and it takes awareness and effort to overcome these feelings.

Envy vs. Jealousy

It is important to distinguish between envy and jealousy in relationship. How do they differ? Being envious means feeling angry, frustrated, or left out because someone else has something you don't. Being jealous is about the fear of losing something (or more typically, someone) that you do have to a third person.

Normal vs. Unhealthy Jealousy

Occasional jealousy is natural, but when it becomes intense or irrational, it can seriously damage a relationship. Being able to distinguish between healthy jealousy and unhealthy jealousy is important to the success of your partnership.

"In a healthy relationship, between two healthy people, these feelings can be expressed and processed fairly quickly and easily. If feelings of jealousy linger and/or worsen, or if it feels like it would be unsafe to bring up your feelings to your partner, these feelings can really damage a relationship," Schubert explains.

Normal Jealousy

In relationships where feelings of jealousy are mild and occasional, it reminds couples not to take each other for granted. Jealousy also can motivate couples to appreciate one another and make a conscious effort to make sure their partner feels valued.

Jealousy also heightens emotions, making love feel stronger. In small, manageable doses, jealousy can be a positive force in a relationship.

When a healthy relationship experiences jealousy, it comes from a place of protection. One person sees a potential threat to the relationship and expresses concern or jealousy. Together, the couple discusses the issue rationally and comes to an agreement on how to move forward. They are both committed to the relationship and are not insecure about who they are as individuals.

Unhealthy Jealousy

When jealousy is intense or irrational, the story is very different. Irrational or excessive jealousy is often a warning sign of a potentially abusive relationship.

Eventually, jealous people feel so overwhelmed by their emotions and insecurities that they exert control over their partners. They may resort to financial abuse, verbal bullying, and violence to maintain control and alleviate or mask their feelings.

Unhealthy jealousy is sometimes rooted in fear of abandonment and a worry about not being truly loved. Unhealthy jealousy is characterized by:

Causes of Jealousy

When faced with a situation that might provoke jealousy, someone who struggles with this emotion may respond with fear, anger, grief, worry, sadness, doubt, pain, self-pity, and humiliation. They also may generally feel suspicious or threatened, or they may struggle with a sense of failure.

Jealousy can happen for many reasons, including:

• Being insecure or having a poor self-image
• Fearing abandonment or betrayal
• Feeling intense possessiveness or a desire for control
• Having a misguided sense of ownership over a partner
• Having unrealistic expectations about relationships in general
• Maintaining unrealistic expectations of a partner
• Reliving a hurtful experience of abandonment in the past
• Worrying about losing someone or something important
  

Jealousy Can Have Real Consequences

If jealousy is not processed in a healthy way, Schubert suggests that it can affect almost every aspect of a relationship. "Communication, sex, trust, and feelings of partnership will all likely suffer," she explains.

Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for couples to misinterpret jealousy for love, especially if it is generally healthy and infrequent. But abnormal jealousy is anything but loving. Abnormal jealousy wreaks havoc on a relationship as the jealous person becomes more and more fearful, angry, and controlling.

Eventually, jealousy can lead to resentment and defensiveness. It also destroys the trust in a relationship and leads to more arguments, especially if the jealous person makes demands and constantly questions the other person.

Intense emotional experiences can also result in physical symptoms. Sometimes jealous people struggle with physical reactions like trembling, dizziness, depression, and trouble sleeping.

Schubert also says that sexual intimacy will become more difficult if jealousy is not addressed in a healthy way. "Sex can be an act of intense vulnerability, and if you're feeling unsafe in a relationship because of feelings of jealousy, it may be hard to connect with your partner in a vulnerable way," she says.

How to Deal With Jealousy in a Relationship

If you're experiencing jealousy, it is important to address it before it gets out of hand. Both you and your partner can learn how to handle jealousy in a healthy way.

Realize That Some Jealousy Is Normal

There will be people and situations that threaten the security of your relationship. Whether it is a flirtatious co-worker or a job that requires a lot of travel, it is normal to experience a little bit of jealousy. The important thing is that you take time to talk about your concerns and agree on some boundaries that will protect your relationship and your hearts.

For instance, you both may agree that limiting contact with a flirtatious co-worker is important for the health of the relationship. Or, you may decide that talking at bedtime while one spouse is on the road will alleviate concerns. The key is that you discuss the issues calmly and come up with solutions together.

Get to the Root of the Jealousy

When one partner is feeling jealous on a consistent basis, it is important to find out why that is happening. For instance, is the jealous partner feeling insecure because you are not spending much time together as a couple? Or, does the relationship have trust issues due to infidelity?

Create an Atmosphere of Trust

One of the best ways to guard against jealousy is to create an atmosphere of trust. This process begins with both partners being trustworthy. In other words, they are faithful, committed, and honest.

Trustworthy people do not lie about how they are spending their time. They also do not cheat on their spouses. If you both guard against these pitfalls, trust in the relationship will grow and crowd out jealousy.

Develop a Healthy Attachment

A relationship involves showing affection, spending time together, and building an attachment to one another. Any threats to your attachment should be a cause for concern. Jealousy is appropriate when it is a signal that the relationship is at risk.

Recognize When Jealousy Is Abusive

Jealousy in response to a real threat to the relationship is normal. But if one partner is jealous for no reason, this could be a red flag—especially if the jealousy includes extreme anger, unrealistic expectations, and unfounded accusations. What's more, this type of jealousy is not a one-time thing. It is a pattern of behavior that repeats.

Another hallmark of abusive or unhealthy jealousy is an attempt to exert control over another person as well as making outlandish accusations. If you are regularly defending yourself against your partner's unreasonable or accusatory questions, that is a red flag. You need to get help right away before things spiral out of control.

Coping With Your Own Jealousy

If you are the one experiencing jealousy in your relationships, you may want to think about why. For instance, do you struggle with self-esteem or are you afraid your partner will leave you? Or has your partner been unfaithful in the past and you are worried it will happen again?

Either way, your feelings need to be dealt with. The best way to do that is to find a counselor or a therapist who can help you learn to manage your jealousy in healthy ways.

Like most other difficult emotional experiences, if treated correctly, jealousy can be a trigger for growth. Addressing jealousy can become the first step in increased self-awareness and greater understanding for both you and your partner.

Steps to overcoming jealous feelings often include:

• Accepting that jealousy is hurting your relationship
• Admitting that you're jealous
• Agreeing not to spy on your spouse
• Discussing the roots of your jealous feelings
• Making a decision to change your behavior
• Realizing you cannot control someone else, but you can control your reaction
• Seeking professional help as a couple if necessary
• Setting fair ground rules that you can both agree to
  

When jealousy becomes unhealthy, it can destroy relationships and create toxic marriages. For this reason, if you are experiencing overwhelming jealousy that is interfering with the health of the relationship, it is important to find a therapist or counselor to help you understand why the jealousy exists. They can give you tools for coping with jealousy in a healthy way.