Are You The Only One Making The Effort? It Might Be a One-Sided Friendship

You're the first to text or make plans. Ask how they are or what's going on in their life. Be there for them. All. The. Time. And, where are they? Nowhere to be found. After a while, you begin wondering if you want to be friends at all.

If you’re the one who’s always giving but never receiving, you might be in a one-sided friendship. It can be hard to see the signs—especially if you're in the throes of it—but there are ways to 1) recognize this friendship dynamic and 2) stop it from happening. Keep reading to learn more about one-sided friendships, what causes them, and what steps you can take to fix (or sometimes end) the friendship.

Signs of a One-Sided Friendship

One-sided relationships are sometimes easy to spot. But sometimes you might not realize you're in the midst of one until time has passed.

The first sign of a one-sided friendship is the lack of reciprocity in communication. You're always the one reaching out first. Other signs you may notice include:

• You feel like you’re always giving but never receiving
• You’re always there for them, but they are absent whenever you need help or support
• They only reach out to you when they need something, whether it’s your time, support, or resources
• You’re the one who initiates all of your conversations
• You always make all of the plans to do things together

According to Seth Eisenberg, a relationship skills coach, one-way relationships are often characterized by a lack of reciprocity and one-way communication. This dynamic can leave you feeling emotionally drained. Rather than feeling uplifted by your friendship, you feel exhausted because you're always the one giving and never receiving.

If you suspect the friendship might be one-sided, start analyzing your interactions and asking yourself a few questions. Is there a noticeable imbalance in the emotional support you are giving versus receiving? Are you the one who is always listening, helping, and comforting, while they rarely reciprocate?

Another way to assess your friendship is by paying attention to their responses to your problems or accomplishments. In a healthy, balanced friendship, they’ll react enthusiastically and be eager to celebrate your achievements. However, in one-sided friendships, responses will likely involve indifference or jealousy.

“Conversations revolve around your friend's life, problems, and achievements, with little interest shown in your experiences or feelings,” Eisenberg notes. This type of toxic friendship can hurt your self-esteem and self-worth.

Effects of a One-Sided Friendship

Quality friendships are important for well-being. One-sided friendships, on the other hand, can leave you feeling lonely—which can take a heavy toll on your emotional and mental health. The constant giving without getting anything back in return can drain your energy and make you feel like you don’t have the support you need and crave.

Isolation and Self-Worth Problems

We are naturally social creatures, so social support is vital for our mental well-being. When you don’t have connections—despite your best efforts—you feel isolated, anxious, and sad. You're questioning why the other person isn’t as committed to the friendship as you are. It can hurt your self-worth and make you wonder why your efforts aren’t being reciprocated.

It May Affect Your Other Relationships

One-sided relationships also pose a risk to your other relationships. If you are emotionally invested in a friend who doesn’t return your efforts, you have less time and energy available for those who do care and support you.

It Can Stifle Personal Growth

Quality friendships can help you grow as a person. In a one-sided friendship, the other person reap all the benefits while you get little or nothing in return. You're stuck in a cycle where you become the support system for someone else’s growth, but you don’t receive the same opportunities to fulfill your potential.

It Can Hurt Future Relationships

The psychological harm caused by a one-sided friendship can last long after you’ve moved past it, leaving you feeling cynical and skeptical about relationships in general. You may be wary of making new friends and begin creating emotional walls to keep people from hurting you.

This fear can hold you back from forming more healthy, authentic, and mutual friendships. All of which makes it harder to meet new people who might just make wonderful, supportive friends.

Understanding the Dynamics

Why do one-sided friendships happen? Understanding how these relationships form will help you recognize your current situation and help you avoid similar patterns in the future.

Early Attachment Patterns

“From an attachment-based lens, one-sided friendships often occur because of our early relationship experiences,” says Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC, an anxiety, trauma, and attachment therapist based in Los Angeles. “If someone grew up feeling they had to earn love or attention, they might overextend themselves in friendships, always giving but never asking for anything in return. This pattern can make them prone to one-sided relationships.”

On the flip side, some people become used to being taken care of without needing to reciprocate, she says. In such cases, they naturally fall into the role of being the receiver in the friendship. “These dynamics create an imbalance where one person feels like they’re constantly putting in the effort while the other just coasts along,” Groskopf adds.

Imbalanced Emotional Labor

Emotional labor refers to mental activity required to manage tasks and maintain relationships. This type of labor includes things like listening to the other person, offering support, planning activities, and working out details to help keep the relationship going.

When the other person doesn’t put in this emotional labor, you are left carrying this mental load on your own. Over time, this imbalance can create feelings of exhaustion and resentment. 

Power Imbalances

If your friend has assumed a dominant role in the relationship, you believe (often subconsciously) you have to bear the burden of carrying the friendship. Being a people-pleaser can complicate this further. Because you want to win their approval and avoid conflict, you may do things to help keep things running smoothly. 

Poor Reciprocity

The principle of reciprocity is important in all types of relationships. While friendships shouldn’t be purely transactional, a solid friendship is rooted in the idea that you will be there for each other. In a healthy friendship, there will be a mutual exchange of kindness, support, favors, and effort. If you are in a one-sided friendship, you probably feel like all you do is give, give, give.  

How to Address a One-Sided Friendship

Being in a one-sided friendship can hurt, and you might be tempted to just walk away. However, there are things you can do to salvage the friendship and steer it toward a healthier balance. Some things you can do to address this type of friendship include the following:

Acknowledge the Problem

The first step is to acknowledge the situation. It’s easy to fall into a pattern and let things just continue as they are. Especially if you're afraid of rocking the boat. But acknowledging the reality is essential.

Remember, you’re not being overly sensitive or petty. Don’t gaslight yourself into thinking that the problem isn’t real. If you feel constantly undervalued and drained by the friendship, those feelings are valid.

Consider the Dynamic

Once you’ve acknowledged the problem, examine the situation and think about the dynamics playing a role. Do you think your friend is aware of the imbalance? Are they behaving this way intentionally or unintentionally? 

Groskopf says an important first step is to consider the friendship dynamic. “Think about how you and your friend handle relationships,” she suggests. “If you often give too much because you worry about being liked (a classic people-pleasing trait tied to anxious attachment), try to step back a bit. Let your friend know that it’s important for both of you to keep the friendship healthy.”

Have a Conversation

If your friend seems unaware of the problem, it’s worth communicating your feelings to them. The goal isn’t to point fingers or lay blame. Instead, approach this conversation with empathy and assertiveness. Focus on what you are feeling instead of their actions (or lack of actions). 

This conversation can be difficult, but clearly explain how you feel and what steps they can take to help improve the situation. Use "I feel" statements to avoid sounding accusatory and reduce defensiveness.

Request Specific Support

Groskopf also recommends being direct and specific about the type of support you need. “Sometimes friends don't know what you need unless you tell them,” she explains. “Ask for specific help or support. For instance, 'Can you check in with me this week? I’ve had a rough time and could use some encouragement.'”

Be Ready to Take Further Steps

Groskopf says assessing and adjusting is essential. “Regularly evaluate the friendship’s balance,” she advises.

If the imbalance continues, Eisenberg suggests it may be time to reconsider your friendship. “Think about the overall value of the friendship,” he recommends. “Does it still bring you joy and fulfillment? If not, it might be time to step back.”

You deserve supportive people who are happy to be there when you need them. And if your friend isn't giving you that—especially if you've asked for it repeatedly—it may be time to cut things off. It's not easy, of course. Ending a friendship never is. But taking care of yourself means letting some friendships go. This doesn't mean you've failed–it's a sign of growth and self-respect.

Tips for Ending a One-Sided Friendship

Not all friendships are made to last. Sometimes, a friendship breakup is the best thing for your well-being.

So, what can you do to let go of a one-sided friendship? In many cases, you may simply let the relationship run its natural course once you stop putting in all the effort. Gradually reducing your social interaction and letting the friendship slowly fade is a good option if you don't want to confront the other person or if you think they might respond in hurtful ways.

Set Boundaries

Once you've decided to let go of the relationship, have one more conversation with your friend to explain your boundaries. Let them know they are important to you, but you can't continue doing all the work. If things are going to continue, they need to make the investment and put forth the effort.

Stop Making Contact

Once you've decided to end the friendship, stop reaching out. Don't text or call. You might miss them and think of them but stick to your resolve.

If the other person reaches out, be willing to hear them out and give them another chance. Maintain boundaries to protect yourself from being taken advantage of again.

Focus on Other Friendships

Even when it is your decision, terminating a friendship is never easy. It's normal to feel angry, sad, or a range of emotions.

One coping mechanism is dedicating time to your other friendships. They can provide support, reinforce your self-worth, and demonstrate the characteristics of healthy, supportive relationships.

Cultivating Healthy and Balanced Friendships

Great friendships take time and effort. If you want these connections to be strong, give them the time, patience, and attention they need to thrive. But both parties need to be invested in growing and maintaining this link.

What can you do to help build healthier, more balanced friendships in the future?

Remember, It's About Give and Take

The relationship isn’t going to be 50/50 all of the time. There will be times when you're giving more, but the same goes for your friend too. It’s OK to go with the ebb-and-flow of the friendship as long as the balance stays fairly equal over time. When you can strike this equilibrium, there’s a better chance that you’ll each feel seen, heard, and valued. 

Talk About Your Friendship

Open communication is also key. If the friendship is becoming unbalanced or if you feel like it’s heading into rocky ground, don’t be afraid to talk about it. Sure, these conversations aren't the most comforting, but talking openly can help foster greater closeness and authenticity. 

As the friendship grows, remind yourself that you can’t pour from an empty cup. That means making sure you are taking care of yourself. Take the time to do the things you need to stay well, whether that means spending time with other friends, focusing on your interests, or even spending some time alone. Friendships are more likely to feel balanced when each person is at their best.

Takeaways

Giving more than you are receiving can be emotionally draining. While realizing you are in a one-sided friendship can be disheartening, it’s important to understand the dynamic and start taking steps to remedy the situation and protect your own well-being. 

Try to address the imbalance. If things don’t change, reconsider the friendship. It’s not easy, but having healthy, balanced, and supportive relationships in your life is crucial. Instead of investing your energy in a one-way connection, focus on cultivating friendships that matter—the ones where you both show up for each other.