Nacho Parenting: What It Is, Will It Work for You?

Nacho parenting is a technique used in blended families to help define a stepparent’s role. In nacho parenting, stepparents avoid disciplining children, leaving this task to the biological parent.

The idea behind nacho parenting is that by having a stepparent play a less authoritative role, a more positive relationship with the child can be formed. It also helps the stepparent transition more smoothly into the family. Lori and David Sim are credited with coining the term “nacho parenting” and the term is a play on the words “not your kids” (aka nacho kids) which captures the essence of the technique.

Here, we’ll explore what nacho parenting looks like, what its benefits are, what some of its pitfalls may be, and tips for making nacho parenting work for your family.

What Does Nacho Parenting Look Like?

These days, roughly one-third of all children in the U.S. will live in a blended family with a stepparent. Stepparent families face numerous challenges as the stepparent is integrated into the family. It can be difficult to establish a positive relationship between children and stepparents, especially as children in blended families are usually experiencing a myriad of life changes and instability. Often, the biological parent and stepparent experience strains in their relationship as a result of parenting clashes and conflicting loyalties.

This is where nacho parenting might come into play. As the American Psychological Association (APA) suggests, it can be helpful for stepparents to establish a relationship with children that is more like a friend, rather than a parent—especially at the beginning of the relationship. If the biological parent takes responsibility for discipline, the stepparent can focus on bonding with the child, which can’t always be accomplished if they are introduced as an authority figure.

“I think of nacho parenting as a similar energy to a supportive teacher; an adult person who cares about the kids, and wants to guide them gently, and wants to take kids' emotions seriously, but is not a parent to those kids,” says Bonnie Scott, LPC-S, therapist and founder of Mindful Kindness Counseling.

Like the APA, the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) also recommends a more “hands-off” approach to discipline for stepparents, explaining that stepchildren benefit when stepparents take a kinder, gentler approach at first. At the beginning of a stepparent/stepchild relationship, it can be challenging for children to accept disciplining from a stepparent. However, participating in disciplining the child may be something that can happen later on, when children are ready, according to AAMFT.

What Are the Benefits of Nacho Parenting?

Research has found that children do better psychologically, socially, and behaviorally when the relationships they have with family members are perceived as positive and secure. This includes the relationships they have with their stepparents.

When the stepparent is integrated into the family in a positive and affirming way, children are less likely to experience stress. However, when stepparent integration is characterized by conflict and strife, children are more likely to experience heightened stress, feelings of loss, and emotional turmoil.

According to Scott, nacho parenting is a great way to ease into the stepparent role. “It's a way to form a safe and supportive relationship with stepkids without the pressure of having to be an ‘instant’ mom or dad to them,” she says. “It's a way to be energetically present with stepkids without feeling like the stepparent is a friend or a person who doesn't have any kind of adult authority.”

Nacho parenting also has benefits for the biological parent. “Preserving the biological parent’s role of greater authority with the children also makes sense in a delicate transition,” Cook-McKay says. When used in moderation, nacho parenting can allow biological parents the space to adjust to sharing the disciplinary role with a stepparent, Cook-McKay explains.

Are There Any Drawbacks to Nacho Parenting?

Although positive in theory, Cook-McKay says that nacho parenting often undermines the stepparent’s authority and results in children manipulating the situation and avoiding consequences to their actions. This is especially true when stepparents take a “zero discipline” approach, she says, causing several problematic dynamics to potentially emerge over time.

At the same time, the biological parent may start to feel overloaded as the sole disciplinarian and grow resentful, Cook-McKay described. This can create tension in the marriage. “The children also learn to exploit the disconnect between the lax stepparent and stricter biological parent,” Cook-McKay says. “They behave well for the stepparent to curry favor and get away with more.”

How Effective Is Nacho Parenting?

There isn’t research about the effectiveness of nacho parenting specifically, but many people find it to be helpful. Scott says that she’s often seen positive results. “I've seen it be really collaborative and supportive and create fulfilling and cool family dynamics,” she says. “It's totally possible.”

Cook-McKay has seen less positive results. “I have seen firsthand how the ‘nacho parenting’ approach often backfires, despite the best intentions behind it,” she says. “Many stepparents I work with end up feeling undermined and disconnected from stepkids when they cannot enforce rules or consequences.”

Nacho Parenting May Be Best When Used as a Transition

As the AAMFT explains, techniques similar to nacho parenting are best used at the beginning of a stepparent/stepchild relationship, and may work better as a way to transition into a more caring authoritative relationship, rather than a parenting style to be used for the duration of the relationship.

Try These Tips to Practice Nacho Parenting With Your Stepkids

The relationship between stepparents and stepchildren is delicate, and when introducing a concept like nacho parenting, it’s important to do so with thoughtfulness, intention, and a plan. It’s also important to reassess how it’s going periodically, with the understanding that nacho parenting might be something to ease out of eventually.

Here are some expert tips on making nacho parenting work.

Communicate Clearly With Kids

It’s important for kids to have clear expectations about what role their stepparent is going to play in their lives. Kids can be formally introduced to the idea of nacho parenting, Scott says. “I love it when that's clearly communicated to kids so they know the expectations too,” she says.

She says that stepchildren usually appreciate a stepparent who isn’t overly strict or demanding and that a more disciplinary relationship can be established in time. “I always say ‘connection before correction’ to all parents, and I think that really holds in a step dynamic,” Scott describes.

Check In Regularly As a Couple

Once you’ve established that you’re going to take a “nacho parenting” approach to discipline, it’s vital that you and your spouse communicate frequently about how it’s going, says Cook-McKay, as this can avoid some of the marital conflicts that often come with the approach.

"Frustration builds quickly if someone feels unsupported,” says Cook-McKay. She also suggests that you and your spouse decide on a time frame for reassessing. “Nacho parenting should transition within a year or two,” she recommends.

Plant the Seeds of Authority

The ultimate goal of nacho parenting should be for stepparents to eventually transition to a more disciplinary role, says Cook-McKay.

Make Sure the Stepparent Becomes Involved in the Stepchild’s Life

Just because the stepparent isn’t disciplining the child at this point, it doesn’t mean they shouldn’t play an important role in the child’s life.

Cook-McKay suggests identifying situations where the stepparent can take the lead, such as assisting with homework or driving children places. “This carves out areas for them to nurture and guide,” she says. “Just ensure both spouses are actively moving toward team parenting.”

Seek Help from a Therapist

Importantly, you don’t have to do this alone. Stepparenting and integrating a new parent into a family can be complicated and isn’t without stress.

Seeking professional support can be helpful for all parties involved. Couples therapy can be helpful for spouses to communicate more clearly about what each of their roles will be in the family and to resolve conflicts that naturally arise during this time of transition.

Children who are experiencing behavioral or emotional issues during this time may benefit from individual therapy. Finally, family therapy is a good option when all members of a family need support and nurturing during a stepparent transition.