Are Low Maintenance Friends Actually Good for Us or Are We Just Being Lazy?

My friends are a huge part of who I am today—whether it’s sharing our deepest secrets over Korean barbecue, swapping text screenshots of our situationships to dissect every little detail, or opening up about our dreams to manifest our future. They were with me during the most pivotal canon events; every leap of faith I took and every dark moment I faced. 

But as we’ve grown up and moved to different parts of the world, the intensity of these connections has dramatically diminished. As we’re being pulled in a million directions, the idea of a low-maintenance friendship–maximum closeness with minimal effort–can seem very tempting. A no-fuss connection that fits perfectly into our packed schedule? Sign me up! But can you really get all of the good stuff from a friendship without so much effort? Honestly, I’m still figuring that out for myself. 

So, maybe here’s the better question: Are “low-maintenance” friendships a way to acknowledge our expanding life or just an excuse for laziness? Ahead, let’s dive into what low-maintenance friendships really mean, and how we can invest in our most meaningful connections without taking them for granted. 

The Rise of Low-Maintenance Friendships

A low-maintenance friendship means something different to everyone, but it’s usually the kind of bond where you can go for days or weeks without talking, and when you reconnect, it feels like no time has passed. Maybe you send a funny meme or thought-provoking podcast link once in a while, but there’s no pressure to drop into a deep convo at that exact moment. These friends often float on the edges of daily life and get pulled back in for big catch-ups. 

Social media is buzzing with debates about the glamorization and pitfalls of low-maintenance friendships. On one hand, giving friends space can be a generous act of care, reflecting a deep trust and a knowing that they’re always within reach when needed. On the other hand, when we want to be closer and they’re not showing up, we might feel “needy” or uncool about our attempts to satisfy the connection. Disappointment can quickly tumble into frustration.

The truth is, space matters, but too much distance will cause a connection to drift apart–sometimes irreversibly. We can’t assume the strength of our love or our best intentions will hold the friendship together without ongoing maintenance, and then expect to pick up where we left off when we’re finally ready to show up. 

The key is keeping our friendships replenished through loving nourishment. This looks like care, reciprocation, clear communication, and a desire to be there for each other–which aren’t always life-shattering events. It’s the little times too, renewing the connection organically with a just-because call or going over to their house to simply sit on the couch eating take-out and enjoying each other’s company. 

The Allure of Low-Maintenance Friendships

Because we live in a hyperconnected reality, there’s this feeling we’re always “on.” Our phones stream a constant flow of updates from our community–what they’re thinking, doing, and saying at any given time. 

Ironically, this deluge of connection is diluting the quality of our interactions, abstracting them into hypercurated, surface-level exchanges moving us away from the heart of connecting. Studies hammer in the point from social media usage, we’re becoming more disconnected, more anxious, more depressed, and more sleep-deprived than ever.

High-maintenance friends are the ones who feel entitled to your time, talk about themselves excessively, and demand a lot of attention. These emotionally draining friendships lack clear boundaries and can negatively impact your life.

In this context, a low-maintenance friendship can feel like a relief—naming the elephant in the room that we may have infinite love but don’t have endless energy to give. It almost feels like an act of maturity to set boundaries and prioritize quality over quantity with the ones we love.

Are We Using Low-Maintenance as an Excuse for Laziness?

Some people can use low-maintenance friendships as an excuse to prioritize other parts of their lives and take their friendships for granted, hoping they will stick around because of the shared memories and love they have. 

I’ve struggled with this. I see myself as a low-maintenance friend, which for me means keeping my friendships meaningful while managing everything else I have going on—work, family, self-growth, and my creative goals. During my precious and limited free time, I'm not the type to text someone for hours or make dinner plans with someone if I can read a book in the bath to recharge.

But when I’m replenished enough? I’m organizing a New Orleans trip with my girlfriends and figuring out when to visit my best friend in India. In between, I’m also catching up with a dear friend in Paris about her relationship, rewatching "Girls" with another best friend, and loving them with little poems, song recommendations, and whatever other small gesture I can give (see: pebbling). This maintenance is an intentional labor of love to let them know what they mean to me. Low-maintenance friendships shouldn’t be an excuse to shirk responsibility, and coast on each other’s goodwill. 

Research supports this need to invest in our friends: strong relationships with friends and family are one of the biggest factors in feeling happy and healthy, often even more important than things like career or education success. Friendships not only make us feel better but also contribute to our overall longevity, which should make them a crucial priority in our lives.

The Reality of Low-Maintenance Friendships

Becoming low-maintenance friends requires us to be honest about what we can give and what we expect. If one of us needs support or wants more time to hang out, the other can stretch to accommodate. This cultivates reciprocation, a balanced energetic exchange, and the flexibility to not land our care perfectly all the time. We understand that occasionally disappearing isn’t personal, which allows us to avoid mismatched expectations.

We are there when it matters, not only when it’s convenient—even if we aren’t texting every single day. We’ve come to value the fullness of our presence instead of geographic proximity or texting frequency as a measure of our closeness. 

Truthfully, this hasn’t always been easy and remains an ongoing process. There have been tough conversations, apologies for the impact of our unintended actions, and crying over messy moments when we felt uncared for. Sometimes, repair takes as much work as my romantic relationship. I suppose that’s not surprising. I can’t expect my friends to always be there for me if I’m not there for them. Putting in the effort to strike that balance between high maintenance and no maintenance, in combination with clearly communicated expectations, is the key to making a friendship feel effortless. 

As for those low-maintenance friendships where you feel unseen? Let’s be real, bestie: If someone is ghosting you, asking for more than you can give, and barely showing up, it’s likely a one-sided relationship. And if you’re not having real conversations about what you both need, chances are, it’s time to reconsider if that’s a true friend.

Keep in Mind

Low-maintenance friendships can be good for us, as long as we don’t take the “low-maintenance” part to the extreme and avoid putting in the necessary work. Friendships need healthy appreciation, care, and love to thrive. There’s something beautiful when you reach a place of unconditional support, and know you have each other’s back no matter what. 

My friends used to be my entire world, woven into every aspect of my life. Now, they’ve evolved into some of the best parts of me. I move through life feeling whole, but every time I make a dish they recommended or set a boundary they helped me learn, it’s a reminder that they’re still right here with me, and always will be.