What Is the Ickiest Ick? 9 Singles Share Their Biggest Turn-Offs

As someone who’s been swimming in the dating pool for a bit, I’m no stranger to catching the ick. My latest Hinge match is a testament to this. A first date at a sushi restaurant—what could go wrong? Well, not only did he arrive 15 minutes late, but he also didn’t tell me, prompting me to assume I was being stood up. Then, as soon as we settled down, he insisted on ordering for me. Both experiences left a sour taste in my mouth and turned me off completely, giving me the “ick.” 

Just what is the ick, you wonder? According to Arizona-based relationship therapist Racheal Turner, LPC, the term describes a strong repulsion to a behavior or personality trait of someone you’re romantically involved with. Everyone has different icks, from being rude to waitstaff to talking with food in your mouth. 

“Reactions vary from person to person, but some might describe the ‘ick’ feeling as frustration, annoyance, anger, disgust, resentment, or mistrust,” adds Emily Sotiriadis, a licensed marriage and family therapist.  

To get more insight into some common icks, I spoke to nine people about their biggest dating icks. Relationship experts Turner and Sortiriadis also weighed in on why we get *so* turned off by these behaviors and offered some much-needed dating tips on how to be a more compassionate dater. 

“When They Love Bomb You” – Maddie C., 25

There’s no worse feeling than getting ghosted by the person you recently started dating merely a few weeks after they were *just* showering you with affection. Or, even lousier, making you feel like you never had anything real and you just hallucinated the entire thing. 

“I met a guy while traveling in Bristol. Afterward, he posted about the trip and 80% of the pictures were of me and him," says Maddie. "He was super into me, calling me every day. He even booked tickets to come to Paris to see me. Two days before he was set to arrive, he called and canceled, saying, ‘We’re not compatible.’”

Love bombing aka when someone showers you with over-the-top affection and attention to manipulate you is a common ick, says Turner. “This behavior can be particularly hurtful because it feels like being part of someone’s game without knowing it.” It’s like joining a card game and no one explained the rules to you but you’re expected to just catch on eventually.

“When They Say They’re Looking for Someone Fit" - Sabs Katz, 29

Sorry, I wasn’t aware I had to pass a PACER test to make it to a first date. 

This comment can be a direct insult and spark feelings of insecurity and shame, especially if the person in question started to pursue you and then pulled back for this purpose, says Turner. “While it’s okay to want a partner with an active lifestyle, directly commenting on someone’s body is a red flag.”

“When They Leave You Breadcrumbs” – Ayanna Boyd, 26

Breadcrumbing is a growing dating behavior where someone sends flirtatious messages to grab a person's attention without intentions of taking things further. Think about that one guy who’s always liking your stories but never replies to your DMs. Or, your crush calling you almost every night but never asking you out on an official date.

And while it might be all fun and games to the breadcrumber, breadcrumbing can have some serious psychological effects on those who experience it, such as increased feelings of loneliness and lower life satisfaction.

“We were falling asleep every night on FaceTime, and he was saying things like he'll 'learn to love me with all of my flaws,’” Ayanna says. The pair were dating when suddenly he stopped reaching out after he—in her own words—built a false perception that there were mutual feelings.

Make it make sense, please. Oh, right. It doesn't.

“Someone Who’s Overly Negative or Complains on the First Date" - Spencer Hooker, 23

Let me set the scene. You arrive on your first date with someone you’ve been messaging on Hinge for a few days. You have good conversations on the app and you’re excited to see if the vibes transfer IRL. But as soon as you sit down at the bar, they start complaining about the terrible day they had at work, and the night’s conversation is soured by how much they dislike their job. 

When it comes to dating, first impressions are everything as they set the tone for how we perceive a potential future relationship with this person, Turner explains. “While everyone complains from time to time, doing so on the first date can overshadow any positive traits and make it difficult for the other person to see beyond the negativity,” she says. “This can be a turn-off, as it might suggest a lack of self-awareness or a tendency to focus on the negative parts of life.”

“People Talking Over You and Taking Up All the Airtime!” – Mila Smith, 49

Raise your hand if you’ve ever been on a date with a guy who talks about himself the entire time and doesn’t ask you a single question about yourself. You leave the date feeling like you just offered them a free therapy session, and all you got in return were some dive bar cocktails and a “You’re great. I would love to see you again!” at the end of the night. Been there, done that.

When someone talks over you and monopolizes the conversation without showing interest in you, it can make the relationship feel one-sided, says Turner. This can stir up the ick feeling early on.

“A Dirty Apartment” – Nash Wright, 50

When it comes to dating turn-offs, having a “slimy” approach and bad hygiene top the list, even more so than failing to express mutual interest.

Wright, as a former bachelor, says he has come across some really dirty apartments: “In those cases, I knew I wouldn’t come back.”

Poor hygiene and a dirty living space are frequent dating complaints, says Turner. This can be a major ick, “especially for those looking for a long-term partner and see this as a future issue when living together.”

“Being Asked for Money and/or Loans From Men I’ve Only Met Up With a Few Times” – Brooke Young, 23

I truly have no words, so I’ll let the woman speak for herself. 

Hello, Tinder Swindler. Is that you?

“When They Bite Their Nails” – Sofie Roos, 45

“If the person can not even take care of their nails, how can they take care of me?” Okay, fair. Honestly, just break out the nail clippers already. You can add this one to the same camp as having poor hygiene or digging for gold when they think no one is looking. I saw that Kevin, you’re not slick!

“Checking Other People Out” – Emma*, 31

“I feel like this should be obvious, but it sadly is not. I’ve been on several dates where it felt like my date was scoping out everyone else far more than me. This became a clear pet peeve for me when my ex-boyfriend and I were out on a date on Valentine’s Day, and he couldn’t stop talking about the waitress and her ‘intriguing tattoos.’ It was all the more disappointing because he was visiting me from out of town, only to spend our Valentine’s dinner focused on our server.”

Yikes, talk about an obvious red flag. But just in case you wanted a professional opinion on why this is a turn-off, Turner explains: “Seeing your partner check out other people can lead to feelings of insecurity and distrust, [and security and trust] are vital components in a healthy relationship.”

How to Be a More Compassionate Dater

Truth be told, no relationship is ick-proof as we’re all humans trying our best to show up authentically in our most intimate bonds, but sometimes our best is not everyone’s cup of tea. Nevertheless, there is one way you can avoid turning off potential partners and—at the same time—get closer to forming a genuine, loving connection: practice compassionate dating.

Ahead, experts outline some tips for how to be more considerate and engaged in your search for love. 

Be Clear About What You’re Looking For

Before putting yourself out there, reflect on what you want in a partner, Turner advises. “This clarity acts as your anchor, helping you be intentional about dating people who align with your values and desires.” 

If you’re nervous about asking the important questions (e.g., “Do you want kids in the future?” “What are your thoughts on marriage?”) early on because you think it might be “too much,” Turner affirms that “it’s okay to discuss big topics early on to ensure you’re on the same page and to avoid future heartbreak.”

Be True to Yourself

The last thing you want to do when you’re first getting to know someone is engage in people-pleasing behaviors to seek their approval, says Turner. As a Libra, AKA a natural-born people-pleaser, I can tell you for a fact that it never ends well. 

Instead, “express your wants and needs, take up space, and be your genuine self,” Turner adds. If you spend your entire dating life trying to mold yourself into the “perfect partner” for someone else, you’re just going to spend a lifetime being disappointed and disrespecting your own boundaries. 

If being your authentic self gives someone the ick, that just means they weren’t your person. Onto the next!

Consider Having a Conversation First

Listen, dating isn’t easy. It can bring up insecurities,  past hurts, and other challenges, Turner admits. For this reason, it’s important to “approach dating with compassion for both yourself and others,” she says. 

If you start feeling the ick, rather than ending things immediately, consider giving the other person the benefit of the doubt, says Sotiriadis. “They might not be aware that they’re doing these things that are offensive or off-putting,” she adds. Depending on the situation and your comfort level, you can decide to offer the other person gentle feedback. Not only can you help them become aware of these ick-inducing habits, but they may be willing to work on the issue, says Turner. 

Keep in Mind

How easily you catch the ick depends on various factors including your attachment style. Turner says those with an avoidant attachment style may look for the ick as a reason to leave a relationship because they fear rejection and close attachment. “When I observe someone frequently getting the ‘ick’ in relationships, I often bring it up in therapy, as it might indicate an avoidant attachment style,” she adds.

Remember, although rejection is difficult, it’s a normal part of dating, she also adds. “We are not meant for everyone, and the right person will appreciate you for who you are,” she says. Whether you got the ick yourself or your behavior gave your date the ick, those are simply signs that it’s not a match. Keep going because the next person you meet might just lead to something great.

*Name has been changed for privacy