How to Use Assertive Communication

Assertive communication involves stating your feelings and needs clearly and directly while being respectful of others. Being assertive ensures that your feelings are clearly communicated, but it also avoids belittling or dismissing other people's thoughts or opinions.

Communicating assertively can strengthen your relationships by reducing stress from conflict and providing social support when facing difficult times. Saying "no" (politely but assertively, of course!) can help you avoid getting overwhelmed.

What Kind of Communicator Are You?

Our fast and free communication styles quiz can help give you some insight into how you interact with others and what it could mean for your interpersonal relationships, both at work and at home.

Characteristics of Assertive Communication

Communicating assertively involves both what you say with words as well as what you convey through nonverbal signals. Some key characteristics of assertive communication include:

• Good eye contact that shows you are paying attention
• Confident posture that shows you are comfortable and strong in your position
• Honest and open, conveying your opinion without manipulation or deceit
• Clear messages that accurately convey what you are trying to say
• Positive, non-threatening language that doesn't try to blame or shame the other person
• Well-timed messages that are delivered in the right time and place
• Respectful words that acknowledge the feelings of others

Benefits of Assertive Communication

There are many benefits to assertive communication. When you are clear and direct with others, you're more likely to:

• Feel confident
• Achieve your goals
• Have strong self-esteem
• Feel respected
• Create solid and positive relationships
• Reduce stress
• Protect your boundaries
• Develop trust
• Feel less anxious

An understanding of assertive communication can also help you handle difficult family, friends, and co-workers more easily, reducing drama and stress.

This helps you have what you need in relationships while allowing your loved ones to meet their needs. Although many people equate assertive communication with conflict and confrontation, assertiveness actually allows people to be closer.

Communicating assertively can also have important benefits in the workplace. It can be particularly important for healthcare professionals, for example, who need to be able to communicate assertively in order to minimize the risk for medical errors. It can also help health professionals convey their exptise to patients without causing them to feel belittled or dismissed.

Assertive vs. Aggressive vs. Passive Communication

While assertive communication might sound simple on the surface, it does take practice. Many people mistake assertiveness for aggressiveness, but assertiveness is actually the balanced middle ground between aggressiveness and passivity. 

Passivity leads to stress and resentment, and sometimes even lashing out in the end. Research has found that when people communicate in passive ways, they are more likely to feel helpless, depressed, and tense.

Perceptions of assertiveness vs. aggressiveness can vary, and unfortunately, there are often sexist double-standards at play. Assertive behavior in men is often viewed as decisive and leader-like. In women, assertiveness is more likely to be perceived as domineering or aggressive. 

How to Develop an Assertive Communication Style

Learning to speak assertively enables you to respect everyone's needs and rights—including your own—and to maintain boundaries in relationships while helping others feel respected at the same time. These steps can help you to develop this healthy communication style (and relieve stress in your life in the process).

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1. Be Factual About What You Don't Like

When approaching someone about a behavior you’d like to see changed, stick to factual descriptions of what they’ve done, rather than using negative labels or words that convey judgments. For example:

Situation: Your friend, who habitually runs late, has shown up 20 minutes late for a lunch date.
Inappropriate (aggressive) response: "You’re so rude! You’re always late."
Assertive communication: "We were supposed to meet at 11:30, but now it’s 11:50."

2. Don't Judge or Exaggerate

Being factual about what you don't like in someone's behavior, without overdramatizing or judging, is an important start. The same is true for describing the effects of their behavior. Don’t exaggerate, label, or judge; just describe:

Inappropriate response: “Now, lunch is ruined.”
Assertive communication: “Now, I have less time to spend at lunch because I still need to be back to work by 1:00.”

3. Use "I" Messages

When you start a sentence with "You...," it comes off as a judgment or an attack and puts people on the defensive. If you start with "I," the focus is more on how you are feeling and how you are affected by their behavior.

Also, it shows more ownership of your reactions and less blame. This helps minimize defensiveness in the other person, model the act of taking responsibility, and move you both toward positive change. For example:

You Message: “You need to stop that!”
I Message: “I’d like it if you’d stop that.”

4. Put It All Together

Here’s a great formula that puts it all together:

"When you [their behavior], I feel [your feelings]."

When used with factual statements, rather than judgments or labels, this formula provides a direct, non-attacking, more responsible way of letting people know how their behavior affects you. For example: "When you yell, I feel attacked."

5. List behavior, results, and feelings.

A more advanced variation of this formula includes the results of their behavior (again, put into factual terms), and looks like this:

"When you [their behavior], then [results of their behavior], and I feel [how you feel]."

For example: "When you arrive late, I have to wait, and I feel frustrated."

Or, "When you tell the kids they can do something that I’ve already forbidden, some of my authority as a parent is taken away, and I feel undermined."

In the case of the always-late friend, maybe a different meeting place would help them be on time. Or you can choose to make plans only at times when your schedule is more open and their lateness won't cause you as much stress.