How to Deal With a Negative Spouse

Sometimes we, and our partners, have bad days and bad moods. This is just a reality of life and nothing to be concerned about. However, when our partner's bad moods shift from occasional grumpiness or venting to chronic negativity, it can become a problem.

Negativity in relationships can come in the form of cynicism, criticism, whining, attacking, pessimism, discontent, perfectionism, and hyper-intensity. Coping with these behaviors and attitudes can be a serious challenge, but it's important if you want your relationship to last.

In some cases, negativity can ruin a relationship—but it doesn't always need to. With some honest communication and genuine effort, relationship dynamics can shift from negative to positive.

Identifying the Signs of Negativity

If you answer yes to most of the following questions, it's likely that you're dealing with a level of negativity that could potentially impact your relationship.

• Perfectionist: Are you a perfectionist, or is your partner?
• Critical: Is one of you critical of everyone in your life? Do you look at incidents and events from a negative perspective?
• Dismissive: Are you, or is your partner, quick to say "no"? Do you rarely say "yes" to requests from your partner or kids?
• Moody: Do you find yourself in a bad mood on a regular basis? Does your partner regularly seem to be in a bad mood? Does either of you dwell on bad things or painful memories?

Other traits of negative people include consistently being pessimistic, worrying about things that most people would view as insignificant, and complaining all the time.

However, keep in mind that someone's negativity doesn't have to define them. It's possible that there are underlying causes of negativity, and your partner can learn to use more adaptive ways to cope.

Take the Optimism/Pessimism Quiz

Try our fast and free test to help you identify if you or someone you know may have a pessimistic mindset.

Causes of Negativity

There are a number of different factors that can contribute to negativity in a marriage or romantic partnership.

Negativity Bias

The human brain has a natural tendency to prefer negative information. Negative events tend to garner more attention and have a greater impact on the brain than positive ones.

In relationships, this negativity bias often causes people to always expect the worst or always be on the defensive. It can also contribute to conflict and resentment.

Communication Issues 

Communication is important for healthy relationships, which is why problems in this area may contribute to feelings of negativity. Problems like assuming you know what the other person is thinking, criticizing one another, or giving each other the silent treatment can contribute to negativity and resentment.

Stress

Excessive stress can make it difficult for people to stay positive. It can leave you or your partner in a constant state of anxiety, seriously affecting the ability to feel optimistic.

Personality

Some people tend to come by a tendency toward negativity naturally. It might simply be part of their inborn temperament or personality.

Mental Health Conditions

In some cases, mental health conditions can cause constant negative thinking. Disorders linked with negative thinking include depression, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD).

If your partner's negative thinking is disruptive to their everyday life, they would benefit from talking to a therapist or mental health professional.

Effects of Negativity in a Relationship

According to the renowned relationship psychologist and researcher John Gottman, PhD, there is a "magic ratio" for keeping relationships healthy and stable.

In an article about Gottman's findings, Kyle Benson writes, "That 'magic ratio' is five to one. This means that for every negative interaction during conflict, a stable and happy marriage has five (or more) positive interactions."

If this ratio is unbalanced, it can take a serious toll on a relationship. Negativity in marriage:

• Magnifies the other person's faults or shortcomings
• Decreases gratitude
• Makes it difficult for partners to empathize with each other
• Causes both people to feel undervalued and unappreciated

Being around a negative person can cause you to feel depressed or sad as well. Research even confirms that negativity is contagious. Communicating negativity in social interactions, even through facial expressions, can pass that negativity on to others. (The good news is: Positivity is contagious, too.)

What does that mean for your relationship? Can your marriage survive a high degree of negativity? Can someone overcome a negative outlook on life? Change is possible, but it requires effort.

How to Change Negative Thinking

If you are chronically negative, you can change your pattern of negative thinking. However, you have to want to make this change, and no one can do it for you.

Here are some things you can do to be more positive:

• Avoid negative self-talk.
• Strive to be more open-minded.
• Cultivate gratitude.
• Do something that makes you smile.
• Eat healthy foods.
• Exercise.
• Forgive yourself and your partner.
• Get enough sleep.
• Help others.
• Practice mindfulness.
• Seek professional help.
• Surround yourself with positive people.
• Use words of affirmation.

How to Encourage Positivity

If you are in a relationship with someone who has a negative personality, you are not responsible for making them feel better. However, you can help your partner be more positive.

• Do not take the negativity personally.
• If your partner rejects your offers of help, don't overreact.
• Invite your spouse to take a walk or do some fun activity with you at least once a week.
• Acknowledge your partner's accomplishments.
• Encourage your partner to try new things.
• Establish healthy boundaries.
• Seek professional help.

How to Deal With a Negative Partner

While it would be ideal for your negative partner to change their thinking patterns, this may not always happen. You may not be able to change your spouse, but there are self-help strategies you can use to help deal with their negativity. 

Practice Empathy and Kindness

Set an example for your partner by focusing on being a positive force. Model the empathy and kindness that you hope for them to emulate. Over time, your partner may find it increasingly difficult to respond to your positivity with a negative attitude.

Be Forgiving

It is easy to let yourself become bitter and negative about your partner's bad attitude. Instead of letting their mood affect yours, focus on forgiving their mistakes and moving on.

Set Boundaries

Boundaries establish what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship. While your partner is allowed to have feelings, make it clear that there are limits to what you will accept. Once you make these boundaries clear, be willing to enforce them if they are violated.

Care for Yourself

Don't allow your partner's negativity to interfere with your health and well-being. Ensure that you are treating yourself kindly, including getting enough rest and care.

Cultivate Positive Relationships

It is important to seek social support outside of your relationship. While your partner may be negative, you can build relationships with other people who can help bring positivity and optimism into your life.

Sometimes you have to deal with a negative ex-partner as well

When an ex-spouse is negative, you can try the strategies above to help yourself cope. However, in the case of a former partner, you may have stricter boundaries surrounding what is acceptable and what isn't.

For instance, if you are sharing custody, you might have a rule that you and your ex only talk about your children and topics that pertain to their well-being. Maybe you handle most of your communication with your ex over the phone (not face-to-face) if this makes it easier to keep your conversations light and brief.

Knowing what it's like to have a negative spouse and ex-spouse, you can focus on building relationships with more positive people in the future.

What to Do in a Toxic Marriage

You want to make sure you're keeping yourself safe, especially if you are learning how to deal with an angry, negative spouse. This is where boundaries are very important. It's not fair for your partner to project their anger or toxic behavior onto you.

Couples therapy may help you both learn healthy ways to improve your relationship. There are also resources such as books on building a healthy marriage and anger management groups that you or your spouse can look into.

Some relationships can be mended with time and effort, but this is not always the case.

Some couples experience what is commonly referred to as a "silent divorce." A silent divorce is when a couple stays together, but they don't engage in physical or emotional intimacy anymore. If this is the case, you may want to have an honest conversation with your partner about whether either of you wants to continue the relationship.

If your spouse is abusive (whether the abuse is physical, verbal, or sexual), it's important to know that their behavior is not your fault. If you can, speak to a therapist or counselor, or to a trusted friend or family member. If the abuse persists, you may wish to build a support network that can help you make an exit plan.

Deciding whether or not it is too late to save your marriage is a difficult call to make. But remember, you deserve to be in a loving, understanding, and compassionate relationship in which you feel safe and can maintain a positive outlook.

Final Thoughts

Keep Dr. Gottman's advice in mind: For every negative interaction, create five positive ones. It can be a challenge at times and no relationship or marriage is perfect. However, having fun, being open to communication, and enjoying each other are some of the keys to a healthy and happy marriage.

Do your best to counteract any negativity you experience. You may be surprised at the effect it has on both of you over time.