Is Hermeneutic Labor Hurting Your Relationship?

There’s finally a term for what women and femme-identifying people (note: these terms will be used interchangeably throughout this article) have been experiencing in relationships with men for eons: hermeneutic labor. This term references the all too normalized gendered emotional labor occurring within many romances. Specifically, it points out how emotional labor is often left to the female-identified party. But, make no mistake: this isn’t just about how our culture puts the weight of operating under gendered oppression on women. 

Hermeneutic labor speaks to how women are stuck relying on both spoken and unspoken cues to decode others’ wants and needs while also skillfully expressing their own wants and needs. Wondering what this term looks like in the wild? Think back to the last time you and your friends huddled around your phone to decode the text someone you’re dating sent before crafting a response.

The more we know, the better we fare. We’ll break down more about hermeneutic labor, how it impacts relationship dynamics, and what you can do to find a sense of balance and peace in your partnerships.

Understanding Hermeneutic Labor

Perhaps you’re thinking through your relationship history and reflecting on just how exhausting even the best of dynamics were. Part of the importance of understanding hermeneutic labor is to diagnose what many of us have already experienced and find a way forward. Sometimes relationships can break down because one party feels they are doing more emotional work than the other. How do I know this? I’m a therapist who speaks to dozens of people every week. I have gathered plenty of informal data. At the core of this relational breakdown is a communication breakdown.

Hermeneutic labor speaks specifically to emotional work. We can think of emotional work as exactly what it sounds like – the work of tending to and understanding one’s emotions as a way of enhancing one’s overall well-being. If only one person is doing emotional work in a relationship, it will be challenging to keep the relationship alive. Furthermore, if neither party can bridge the communication gap regarding the disparity of labor in the relationship, not only is it unlikely it will survive, but fiery resentments are likely to arise as well. 

Hermeneutic labor can be dwindled down to three key components: working to interpret others’ feelings, assessing when it is safe and reasonable to bring up emotional material, and all the while unpacking your own feelings.

What Does Hermeneutic Labor Look Like and Am I Suffering From It?

There may be some readers who resonate with these words and have no question about whether they’re struggling with hermeneutic labor. However, others may be curious if this applies to them. Furthermore, the heteronormative language used within this term may be off-putting. 

Here are two examples of what hermeneutic labor can look like:

• A woman is spending time with her male partner after a long work day. She notices he is being quiet and when she asks what is wrong, he remains glum and says, “Nothing.” In turn, she begins to think back on what was happening that morning, what could have happened at work, and if there’s anything in his body language that could cue her to what is wrong. She simultaneously considers how her partner’s behavior is making her feel.
  
• A femme person is with her masc-presenting partner. She asks if they would like to go see her family. When they are quiet in response, she begins working to assess if their response is reflective of how they feel about her family, if they’re simply having an off day, and how she feels about their lack of communication.
  

Gendered Burden of Hermeneutic Labor

A study on emotion work published in the journal Sex Roles accurately nailed the gendered burden. It stated that, based on feminist theory proven true, women are socialized to engage in emotional labor in a way that men aren’t. This has conditioned women to engage in emotion work in all areas of their life, whereas men (at best) only find emotion work to be siloed within the romantic relationship.

However, if we take a look at the holistic reality of life, what we do in one place, we do in most places. Meaning, that if men avoid or are unaware of necessary emotion work in most places in their lives, the relationship will inevitably suffer. 

Impact on Intimate Relationships

There’s a good chance you have either said or heard someone say, “It feels like I’m talking to a wall,” amid a conflict. This phrase accurately sums up the experience of hermeneutic labor. It is the sense of feeling like you’re working extremely hard and yet you’re receiving no response. Over time, this can breed a sense of resentment, which can be a relationship killer. 

Hermeneutic labor can not only challenge intimate relationships – it can also challenge the family system. A study on gendered mental labor found women are burdened with a higher level of emotional labor when it comes to childrearing, which in turn results in lower life satisfaction, stress, and even harm to their careers.

Part of why this phenomenon exists is due to our patriarchal culture that prioritizes male power without emphasizing the need for emotional intelligence, leaving women to pick up the slack, and in turn, emotional labor. A 2021 study on power dynamics within relationships found that the majority of couples surveyed were fairly equal in personal power, but unequal in positional power.

What happens in our intimate relationships is echoed in our world at large, so it makes sense that there would be a party that exists in the world with a higher position of power. But, what determined relationship quality was the experience of personal power – which is highly subjective. This means that when both parties feel an equal sense of personal power, the facts and figures of power dynamics at large don’t hold as much weight. When it comes to hermeneutic labor, women’s personal power and positional power are undermined, which we can surmise decreases the quality of the relationship. 

Strategies for Addressing Hermeneutic Labor

Though hermeneutic labor is rampant in our culture, it doesn’t have to be normalized. The key component to addressing hermeneutic labor is to enhance communication skills. Typically, the women in these relationships are working overtime to communicate while the man in the relationship can seem detached. Seeking out couples therapy can allow both partners to get support in communicating more effectively. 

Another way to enhance communication is for both of you to use statements that focus on your feelings. For example, when digging into a conversation about what is happening emotionally for each of you, setting a rule that statements beginning with “I feel…” are essential.

After an I feel statement is used, the person who is listening should focus on reflecting back what they just heard. While this may feel mechanical and awkward at first, getting used to owning your feelings and showing your partner you’re listening can help to level the distribution of labor in the relationship. 

Leveling the Playing Field

While addressing hermeneutic labor can feel like… well, more labor, eventually there can be a leveling of the playing field. In my experience, I’ve noticed men often seek out therapy at the urging of their partner. However, once committed fully to the process of unlearning the social conditioning that perpetuates hermeneutic labor, healthy relationships flourish and thrive.