How to Stop Obsessing Over Someone

Having obsessive thoughts about another person can feel all-consuming. It may start small. Maybe you can’t stop thinking about someone you’re interested in or admire. You might spend hours browsing their social media pages and keeping up with their lives.

At first, it seems harmless; you’re merely intrigued by this person, but before you know it, these thoughts start to take up more time and energy. It can get to a point where it’s all you think about, affecting your mood, work, and even your other relationships.

If this sounds familiar, it’s vital to get to the root of these obsessive thoughts and rid yourself of them before they significantly affect your mental health and well-being. Dismissing these thoughts as they pop into your head isn’t enough. You need to sit with yourself and address the obsession. Sometimes, you may need professional help to overcome your obsession.

With the proper support, you can learn to manage these thoughts and focus on more positive and fulfilling parts of your life.

What Does It Mean When You Can’t Stop Obsessing Over Someone?

Obsessing over someone means you are constantly preoccupied with thoughts about that person. So much so that you have room for little else in your mind. Thinking about someone occasionally or even frequently isn’t obsessive. However, when such thoughts become intrusive and overwhelming, you may have become obsessed with the person you’re thinking of.

Obsession with a person can manifest in different ways. For some people, it might involve constantly checking their social media, while for others, it might mean endlessly analyzing every interaction with that person.

In extreme cases, it can lead to behaving in ways that disrupt your life or invade the other person’s boundaries. For instance, going out of your way to show up at places you know they’d be, even when it’s inconvenient for you or uncomfortable for them.

Don't mistake thinking about someone important to you often as an obsession. It's only when such thoughts start to control and disrupt your life that you may need to take a step back and reassess your feelings and behaviors.

The Impact of Obsession on Mental Health

Any kind of obsession is unhealthy and can significantly affect your mental health. However, it’s particularly concerning when it’s over another person because you are not only potentially harming yourself, but you may also act in ways that make them feel uncomfortable or even frightened.

Ways in which obsession can affect your mental health include the following:

Inducing Anxiety and Stress

Obsessive thoughts often trigger intense anxiety. You might constantly worry about what the other person is doing, thinking, or feeling. This continuous worry can lead to stress, affecting your mental and physical health.

Obsession, including ruminating or repetitive thoughts, can increase symptoms of anxiety or depression. Suppose you’re already predisposed to these symptoms—in that case, it is very common to see a worsening of symptoms, including anger, frustration, sadness, or feelings of worry, says Tzvi Furer, MD, a board-certified child, adolescent, and adult psychiatrist.

Impact Your Self-Esteem

Constantly obsessing over someone can also affect how you see yourself. You might start comparing yourself to them or others in their life. In many cases, you may see yourself in an unfavorable light compared to them and the people they hold dear, which can make you feel inadequate and lower your self-esteem.

Disrupt Your Daily Life

When you’re preoccupied with thoughts of another person, it can be hard to concentrate on yourself. You may begin neglecting your loved ones, work, studies, or even simple daily routines like exercise or hygiene as your focus shifts away from yourself and your responsibilities.

Impact Existing Relationships

Your relationships with friends, family, and colleagues can suffer due to your obsession. You might find yourself either withdrawing from these relationships or talking about your obsession incessantly, which can strain these connections.

Mood Swings 

When you’re obsessed with a person, you quickly find that they’re able to dictate your mood. You feel over the moon when they turn their attention to you and horrible when they don’t.

This unpredictability can be emotionally draining and affect those around you who are likely to bear the brunt of your volatile emotions.

Practical Techniques to Manage Obsessive Thoughts

It’s essential to recognize that obsessive thoughts are often just thoughts, and therapeutic work will help you focus on managing the immediate reaction and resulting behaviors or feelings that these thoughts may bring up, says Furer.

To manage obsessive thoughts, you have to make intentional and mindful behavioral changes. Here are some practical techniques that can help you gain control over these intrusive thoughts:

Acknowledge the Thoughts

The first step is to become more aware of when you’re having obsessive thoughts. Identifying and acknowledging obsessive thoughts can help you begin to figure out how to manage them.

Try not to judge yourself for these thoughts; instead, note them as they come and go, paying attention to any harmful patterns as they emerge. 

Distract Yourself and Refocus

Now that you can identify when you are overwhelmed by obsessive thoughts, a next step you can take is to engage in activities that keep your mind occupied and away from these thoughts.

Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries for yourself can be challenging but necessary when you have an obsession. If your obsession causes you to incessantly stalk their social media or message the person, set clear boundaries to prevent this. Limit the time you spend on social media, for instance, or take a complete break if necessary.

Journal

Journalling is a cathartic exercise that forces you to confront your thoughts and feelings. Writing them down isn’t just a therapeutic way to process them; it helps you understand your emotions better and gain perspective on why you might be having these obsessive thoughts.

Seek Support

Most people tend to be secretive about obsessive thoughts. Harboring them quietly until it takes over their lives. Once you recognize you’ve formed a pattern of obsessive thoughts about a person, talking to friends or family you trust can give you much-needed perspective to realize that such thoughts can be harmful. 

While these techniques can be helpful, they may not work immediately or in every situation. These strategies may not be enough if obsessive thinking interferes with your ability to enjoy other parts of life.

Then, it might be time to reach out to a therapist who’s an expert in helping adults deal with obsessions and overthinking, says Ivy Ellis, LCSW, a mental health therapist and owner at Empathic Counseling Center.

What Causes Obsession Over a Person?

According to Furer, obsession is caused by several factors—it could be that you feel lonely or are looking for a connection with someone. It could also be due to meeting somebody either very interesting, or who you’re romantically invested in.

It may start with admiration, wishing that your life mirrored what you perceive theirs to be. It could also be loneliness, feeling bad about yourself, or wanting others to like you. The person you can’t stop thinking about might seem to have everything you believe you’re missing, or they might make you feel wanted or special.

Fear can also play a role when you find yourself developing obsessive thoughts about a person. You might be afraid of being rejected or abandoned, and these fears can drive you to constantly think about the person as a way to feel closer or more secure in your relationship with them.

Living with unresolved trauma can sometimes manifest as an obsession. If you had a difficult childhood or problems with past relationships, you may develop an obsession with someone who makes you feel like they can “fix” you or who you feel like you can fix with your love, care, efforts, and attention.

What Are Signs of Being Obsessed With Someone?

How do you know when your thoughts about someone have crossed the line from interested and curious to obsessed? Here are some common signs to help you recognize if you might be obsessed with someone:

• Thinking of the person constantly: If you think about someone constantly and these thoughts are so frequent and intense that they distract you from your daily life, work, and other responsibilities, you may be obsessed.
• Stalking their social media: Occasionally, going through the social media pages of a person you’re fond of is typical. However, stalking their social media profiles, looking for updates, or trying to find out what they’re doing and who they’re with is obsessive.
• Extreme jealousy: Feeling jealous if the person spends time with others or talks about other people can be a sign of obsession. This jealousy is often irrational and can be all-consuming.
• Neglecting yourself: You might start neglecting your needs, interests, and responsibilities because you’re so focused on the person. This could include skipping meals, losing sleep, or quitting your hobbies.
• Ignoring other relationships: You may ignore or neglect relationships with friends and family because you’re so caught up with the person you’re obsessed with.
• Intrusive fantasies: Spending a lot of time daydreaming or fantasizing about a future with this person, even when these fantasies are unrealistic, is a common sign of obsession.
• Compulsive behavior: This could include behaviors like driving by the person’s house, constantly texting or calling them, spending hours re-reading old texts or e-mails, or other behaviors that might feel out of control.

Furer says that obsession may look different from person to person, but it would begin to be a clinical concern if it interferes with your daily habits and functioning. Any impact on your ability to eat, sleep, attend work or school, or generally take care of yourself would be a sure sign of being obsessed with somebody else.

If you notice these signs in yourself, it might be time to step back and evaluate your feelings. Remember, it’s okay to have strong feelings for someone, but when these feelings start taking over your life, it’s essential to address them.

The Role of Self-Care in Overcoming Obsession

When you think of self-care, you’re likely to picture a spa day or a leisurely walk in the park, however, self-care goes beyond this. It includes any activities that can promote your mental and physical well-being.

Many triggers of obsession begin with feelings of inadequacy about yourself. Prioritizing self-care can help you build your self-esteem. Pursue new hobbies, spend time connecting with others in friendship and community, or do things that make you feel confident and will significantly boost your self-esteem.

Additionally, self-care is a great way to reduce the stress and anxiety that obsessive thoughts may trigger. Activities like yoga, meditation, or even simpler pleasures like a relaxing bath or getting lost in a good book can help calm your mind and ease tension.

Seeking Professional Help

Suppose you’re struggling with obsessive thoughts and have tried self-care strategies with no reprieve. In that case, seeking professional help is the next step, especially if these thoughts have become overwhelming and negatively impact your life.

A mental health professional, like a therapist or counselor, can support you with expert strategies to overcome these thoughts. They’re trained to deal with mental health issues like obsession and can provide you with a different perspective on your thoughts and behaviors you might not have thought of. A mental health professional can also help you understand why you’ve developed obsessive thoughts if you’re struggling to find answers.

One of the key benefits of professional help is a safe and private environment where you won’t be judged or admonished for your thoughts. Sometimes, just talking about your thoughts and feelings in a safe space can be incredibly relieving.

Strategies to Foster Healthy Coping Mechanisms

Developing healthy coping mechanisms will help you manage obsessive thoughts about a person. Here are some strategies that can help:

• Stay physically active: Regular exercise is good for the body and works wonders for the mind. It releases endorphins, which are natural mood lifters, and helps reduce stress and anxiety.
• Maintain a balanced diet: When you eat right, you feel right. Eating a balanced diet ensures your body gets the necessary nutrients, which can positively affect your mood and energy levels.
• Establish a routine: Daily activities that feed your body and mind can give you a sense of stability and normalcy. They also keep you engaged and lower your time to obsess over someone.
• Limit your social media use: If social media triggers your obsessive thoughts, try to limit your usage. Consider setting specific times for checking social media or taking a complete break.
• Connect with others: Spend time with friends and family. Social interactions can distract you from obsessive thoughts and provide emotional support.
• Engage in creative activities: Creative activities like painting, writing, or playing music can be therapeutic. They also give you an outlet for expressing your emotions and can be a great distraction.

These strategies are meant to help you manage your thoughts so they don’t take over your life, but don’t try to suppress those thoughts entirely. Confront and address them so you can focus on creating a healthier mental space for yourself.

While it’s normal to have intense feelings about a person when they start to control your life, it’s time to reassess why you feel these thoughts and if you need to do something about them. You can begin by using simple strategies such as mindfulness, setting personal boundaries, staying physically active, and engaging in fulfilling activities. All of this can significantly affect how you manage your thoughts and emotions.

However, if you try all of these strategies and find that the obsessive thoughts are still overwhelming or significantly impacting your daily life, please consider seeking professional help. A therapist can provide guidance and support to help you navigate these feelings.