The Swindler-Proof Guide to Avoiding Romance Scams

We all know a story where someone’s best friend’s sister’s yoga instructor’s dental hygienist was drunkenly swiping on a Thursday night and came across the love of their life. Tall. Broad-shouldered, good teeth, lives alone, and has a successful career? This could be the one.

They have everything in common, from how many children they want (2.5, duh) to what religion they practice. Of course, this makes them soulmates. Never mind that they met six weeks ago, she can't meet his friends or family, and his background (the CEO of what company, again?) is increasingly suspicious. They're in love. Cue wedding bells.

Then, the road to the altar stalls because the person she started chatting with six weeks ago just asked her to loan him two thousand dollars. He’s a total scammer, and she’s seriously embarrassed. 

What Is a Romance Scam? 

Romance scams are a type of fraud where the culprit attacks one's bank account through their heart. Criminals dangle a fairytale romance to victims, transforming flowery language and frothy fantasies into dollars and cents. The relationships between romance scammers and their victims are “generally constructed through websites” but can also happen on apps and sometimes in person.

In 2020, the Federal Trade Commission reported $304 million in losses from romance scams, an increase of nearly 50% since 2019. The rise in romance scams was partially attributed to the effects of the coronavirus pandemic. 

Scamming is on the rise around the world. Major tech firms including Meta (the parent company of Facebook Dating) and Match Group (the parent company of Hinge, Tinder, OkCupid, and Archer) have formed a coalition to fight scams. OkCupid has a post listing ways to avoid scammers on their official dating blog to protect their users. 

Who Do Romance Scammers Target? 

Scammers focus mostly on fruitful prey—people who they believe to be of means, who are isolated, or who are vulnerable. That could look like retired widows or widowers, adults with no higher education, or those in lower-income households.

Dr. Marie Thouin, PhD, a mindful dating expert and author, has helped clients who were victims of romance scams. She recently coached an older client who was approached by multiple charlatans following her divorce. “She had been contacted by many potential scammers,” she says.

In one case, Thouin says, her client had been exchanging emotionally intimate emails with a supposed European national. (The pair could never meet in person because the European national worked on a remote oil rig). While her client didn't think anything of their interactions, Thouin claims it was just another “classic romance scam.”

Common Tactics Used by Romance Scammers

Catfishing is one of the tools used by romance scammers. The term describes the practice of pretending to be another person online to an unsuspecting victim.

Most catfishers mirror the interests and the values of the victim. A 2020 study echoed this, noting that scammers create facades to manipulate their victims into believing the two are perfectly in sync. They have the same life goals, religious views, political ideologies, etc. Then, the scammers use affection and in some cases, romantic declarations to reel the victim in for the scam.

Dr. Thoupin confirms this happened to her client: “After a few weeks there was a lot of talk about love and commitment and yet [the two] had never met,” she adds. 

Scammers Love to Lovebomb

Lovebombing is more than TikTok therapy speak. It’s the process of rushing a connection to fulfill an agenda. Manufacturing that closeness allows scammers to manipulate a sense of obligation in their victims. They feel as if they have to help the person because they are in love with them. 

Deidre Morgan, a licensed social worker, says someone wanting to “insert themselves in your life too early” is a major red flag. She also warns clients to avoid people who immediately jump into conversations about long-term commitment and marriage.

Beware of Blackmail

Blackmail is another common tactic used by scammers. Unlike love-bombing or catfishing where the scammer manipulates you to get your money, blackmail is when scammers threaten you. These threats can be anything from saying physical harm will come to you (or your family) to threatening to release embarrassing information about you if the money isn't sent. Sometimes, scammers can use nonconsensual pornography to attempt to extort money from you.

“This [looks like] sending nude photos or sexual content to each other and then the person—a scammer—comes back to you and blackmails you for money,” Dr. Thoupin says.

The Stages of a Romance Scam 

Romance scams generally progress in three stages:

• Profile: In this stage, scammers create a fake profile with attractive fake photos and include general interests and characteristics that typically align with the victims.
• Grooming: The scammer “grooms” the victim by love-bombing them and giving them affection and declarations of love in the early stages of talking. This looks like sending love letters, saying “I love you," or asking for marriage. Rarely do the scammer and victim ever meet in real life—most of their correspondence occurs over dating apps, instant messaging, emails, and occasionally phone calls. The purpose of this stage is to create a vulnerable and intimate connection with the victim, so they'll be primed to send funds.
• The Sting: Here, the scammers begin to request money from their victims. Scammers may use a variety of schemes to receive money but one of the most common schemes is the “crisis in the narrative.” This is where scammers con their victims into sending small amounts of money by saying there is a never-ending crisis like a medical emergency. Typically, the payments start off small but the scammer gradually requests larger sums over time.

Signs You're in a Romance Scam

If you receive an “I love you” five minutes after sharing your favorite color, you should be concerned. 

Sophie Orozco, a certified relationship coach, highlights a lack of reciprocity as a sign that something is off. She suggests daters be mindful of those who do not want to share information about themselves.

Why People Fall For Romance Scams

People fall for romance scams for many reasons; however; most victims do tend to have a fantastical version of romance and overlook red flags.

People with low self-esteem and self-worth also might be predisposed to falling for a romance scam, she adds.

“People who have beliefs about their lack of attractiveness can be more at risk because they might feel a little bit more desperate for attention, if they feel like love is not really available to them and they might have gone through a lot of disappointment in life,” she says. “Someone coming towards them and giving them a lot of compliments and giving them what they want to hear and creating fast, emotional intimacy can be irresistible.” 

Protecting Yourself and Your Loved Ones From Romance Scams 

• Safeguard information to protect yourself and your loved one from romance scams. Do not offer details about your financial life to someone you don't know. 
• Don’t sext with them or send them pictures that you would not want distributed. 
• Refuse to allow yourself to be rushed. Take your time when talking to new people online. Do not allow them to infuse your interaction with a false sense of urgency. You are worth taking the time to build a real relationship with.
• Walk away when you suspect something is off. Your fairytale does not involve a desperate wire transfer. Leave room for something real. 

How Scams Impact Your Ability to Trust

There can be a great deal of shame and emotional distress felt by those who have been exploited by a romance scammer. Research shows that victims of romance scams experience something called a “double hit” where they not only lose significant financial means but are also emotionally wounded.

Understandably, victims feel unsafe and distrustful of romantic relationships (or relationships in general) following the scam. However, licensed clinical social worker Hannah Owens urges victims to combat these thoughts and put things in perspective: a) every day people fall for scams all the time, and b) not everyone you meet is trying to scam you.

She also suggests learning how to forgive yourself for falling for the scam. “It is not your fault for getting scammed: it's the scammer's fault, every time,” she says. “These scammers are really good at what they do.”

Owens recommends finding comfort and safety in your inner circle: “Let them support you emotionally while you build yourself and your trust back up. No one who loves you will think less of you for having fallen for a scam.”

Tips to Recover From a Romance Scam 

• Seek mental health treatment: Getting help from a professional can put you at an advantage in the healing process.
• Do your research: It's helpful knowing that you are not the only one struggling. Research similar situations to your own and seek comfort in knowing this happens to many people. 
• Join a community: There are peer communities designed to offer support for those impacted by romance scams. Groups like Advocating Against Romance Scammers (AARS) are safe spaces to vent and learn how to put your life back together after you have been exploited by a scammer.