How to Show Affection in a Relationship

That feeling of liking and caring, called affection, is important in romantic and familial relationships. People demonstrate their affection in various ways. Knowing how to show affection—which can involve physical touch, reassuring words, or simply just being there for someone—can help strengthen your relationships with others.

While some people find it difficult to show affection, it’s an important skill to develop so that you can show your loved ones that you care for them.

What Is Affection?

Affection is the fondness you have for another. The term describes a tender attachment between people. It's important for well-being at all stages of life.

It’s a bond that is especially important for babies and their caregivers. It begins when we are young and desire close proximity to our parents.

Receiving affection and care in early childhood helps set the stage for our later relationships. While adult attachment styles don't exactly match the attachment we experience in childhood, our earliest experiences can continue to influence how we show affection in our adult romantic relationships.

Why Affection Is Important?

Although some people are introverts or prefer a less social lifestyle, human beings don’t do well in isolation. Social isolation takes a devastating toll on mental health and well-being.

It increases the risk of loneliness and makes it more likely that people will experience problems such as anxiety, depression, and cognitive decline. It can also lead to poor physical health, including an increased risk for high blood pressure, poor immunity, heart disease, and a decreased lifespan.

Meaningful connections are invaluable. These connections can be built with friends, family members, or a romantic partner(s).

What Does Affectionate Behavior Look Like?

While affection can lead to intimate sex, it is often a non-sexual gesture. When you want to express your feeling of closeness to someone, you can communicate affection through a range of behaviors. You might playfully pinch your nephew’s cheek, for example.

Signs of affection can vary by culture. For example, in France, friends greet each other by kissing both cheeks. Two American friends might find it more comfortable to high-five one another or hug.

Affection is also shown through communication. For instance, you just call someone to say you’re thinking of them.

Learning How to Show Affection Can Reduce Conflict

Affection can be a positive force even when you disagree with somebody you’re deeply connected to. It can also be a healthy tool to reduce the negative byproducts of conflict, like anxiety and stress.

This can play an important role in reducing relationship conflict. For example, a study looking at teenagers' perceptions of parental love found that no matter the closeness of the parent and child or the conflict at hand, the more the parents showed affection on that day, the more teens reported feeling loved. Teens need warmth from their parents before, during, or after the conflict.

Another research study examined adult couples and their cortisol levels during a conflict. Scientists videotaped their positive behaviors (including humor and affection) and negative behaviors (including frustration, scorn, and defensiveness) during the conflicted interactions.

When Someone Doesn't Know How to Show Affection

Some people aren’t raised to show their feelings due to cultural or social reasons. Others are just not comfortable expressing themselves in that way. For them it’s could be a sign of weakness or fear of revealing too much.

For example, there's still so much pressure on men to be macho and not show feelings. This is often called toxic masculinity. This pressure to be strong at all times does much more than good for them and their loved ones.

If there is someone in your life that you're not receiving enough affection from, it's a good idea to bring up your needs and explain why affection is important to you. Then, ask them if they would be able to show more affection.

If they are uncomfortable with affection and are having trouble showing you affection, then it might be time to enlist the help of a relationship counselor.

How to Show Affection If You Struggle With Self-Esteem

Having high self-esteem means we value ourselves. If you have a healthy amount of self-esteem, you're likely able to cope better than others with life’s setbacks. You may also have increased prosocial behavior and feel that you're worthy of giving and receiving love.

One study set out to determine whether the opposite was true: did those who were more vulnerable and had low self-esteem express less affection with their partners in romantic relationships? Results confirmed that they did.

People with lower self-esteem expressed less affection and experienced fewer positive emotional, cognitive, and physiological reactions when doing so. They also underestimate the benefits of affection, and acting affectionately boosts relationship satisfaction.

Can Too Much Affection Be a Red Flag?

Affection can be given for the wrong reasons. Someone might be overly touchy-feely because they want sexual intercourse. Or someone might misuse affection because they’re manipulating you, i.e. pretending their intentions are forever, when they’re only focused on one night.

The supreme kind of manipulation is when someone showers you with excessive affection, gifts, and attention, all of which can be signs of the more dangerous act of love bombing. This tactic involves showering someone with affection and attention with the goal of manipulating them.

Affection and the Five Love Langauges

How do you know what kind of affection is most meaningful to your loved one? If you're feeling unsure, you can look into the five love languages for insight.

The love languages are:

1. Words of affirmation: Experiencing affection through words, including praise, compliments, encouragement, love notes, and appreciation
2. Quality time: Experiencing affection by giving someone your undivided attention
3. Physical touch: Experiencing affection through physical touch and intimacy
4. Acts of service: Experiencing affection through actions that help someone feel appreciated and loved
5. Receiving gifts: Experiencing affection by giving thoughtful, meaningful gifts
   

You might realize that kissing them (physical touch) means more to them than saying they're a great person (words of affirmation). Maybe spending the afternoon with a loved one riding bikes (quality time) means more to them than an expensive birthday present (receiving gifts).

Takeaways

Overall, showing and receiving affection is an important aspect of any healthy relationship. So, if you're unsure of how to go about expressing it, try some of the tips covered in this article with your loved ones. Or ask them how they like to receive affection. Having these conversations might be awkward but they'll only build deeper and longer-lasting connections with the special people in your life.

If too much affection or a lack thereof is negatively affecting your relationships, speak to a relationship counselor as they can help you find ways to effectively communicate your needs with others.