So, Do You *Actually* Like Them or Is It the Romantic Fantasy Talking?

When is it love or when is it attraction? I've asked myself this question many times, and I'm sure you have too. When you meet someone new, it's hard not to feel completely enamored by their presence and the prospect of a new romance.

Especially if they're super attractive, schmoozing you in all the right ways, and have no upfront red flags. But are you really feeling them or just the idea of them (and the possible happily ever after you two could have)? Let's find out.

The Importance of Understanding Your Feelings 

First step: identify your feelings. Look, we've all felt the instant giddiness and excitement over getting to know someone new. But take a step back—stop romanticizing!—and identify your feelings. Understanding how you feel is helpful in any context but is especially crucial in romantic relationships. After all, you're talking about committing to someone who could, at the very least, influence your life.  

“Understanding how we feel in a relationship helps us know if the relationship is serving us,” explains couples psychotherapist Stephanie Holz, LMFT. “A relationship in which we are content will improve our sense of self-esteem, perhaps improving [quality of life], job performance, and achievement of goals.” 

Plus, having clarity on your feelings is kind of cool and empowering. It allows you to believe in yourself and make confident decisions.

What Does It Mean to Really Like Someone? 

Crushes are a dime a dozen. There’s that sweet barista at the local coffee shop, the cutie you’ve been on a few dates with already, the coworker who always makes you blush. But do you like any of them—or the image of them in your head?

It’s tricky to tell the difference because practically every budding relationship starts with some level of infatuation and (perhaps naive) adoration. In fact, studies go so far as to say that initial euphoric feelings are akin to the high you'd experience taking a drug like cocaine. But that attraction only goes so far, especially once you begin asking yourself the important questions. 

“When trying to discern whether you genuinely like someone or just the idea of them, introspection is key,” says Olivia Withers, LPC, LCPC. She recommends asking yourself the following six questions: 

1. What are my emotional needs, and are they meeting them? 
2. Do I feel good when I’m around this person? 
3. Am I intrigued by this person and genuinely want to learn more about them? 
4. What are my relationship expectations, and do they meet them?
5. What priorities and values are important to me in a partner, and does this person have them? 
6. Do both parties see a potential for a long-term relationship? 

“If we only like the idea of someone, we may find ourselves bored—or possibly annoyed—in their presence, or we may feel like we have to be something other than our authentic selves,” Holz says. “This indicates the relationship is built more on fantasy and projection than on two actual humans.” *mic drop*

Signs You Like Someone 

• They make you feel good
• You want to keep learning about them 
• You can be your authentic self around them 
• You make time for them 
• You find joy in doing nice things for them 
• You feel energized versus drained by them 
• You have shared interests 
• Your values are aligned 
• You remember small details about them 
• You may feel a little nervous in their presence (in the early stages)
• You may feel like you’re with someone you’ve known forever 
• You share similar goals 
• You feel safe and respected 
• You think about them even when they’re gone 
• You’re endeared by even their odd traits 

Signs You Just Like the Idea of Them 

• You only want to spend time with them when you’re bored or lonely 
• You find them physically attractive but aren’t quite sure about their personality  
• You feel drained after spending time with them 
• You are fixated more on whether they like you versus you liking each other 
• Your feelings fluctuate depending on your mood
• You’re hyped on their potential (or an idealized version of them) versus who they really are  
• Your interest in them is driven by how they make you look to others
• You don't feel a strong emotional connection
• You don’t have shared values
• Outside pressures are making it feel like you need to stay together
• You don’t share similar life goals 
• There’s no spark 
• The relationship feels stagnant
• You don't really see a long-term future with this person

The Role of Loneliness in Finding Love

Dating is hard, okay? It's not for the weak! The loneliness you feel when a situationship falls apart or your crush is no longer interested...like, we've all been there before. And while loneliness is not inherently negative, it can make us delusional in romantic relationships. It's a complicated emotion that takes away our clarity.

“We often struggle with separating loneliness from deeper emotions such as rejection, abandonment, shame, or worthlessness—what I refer to as the four horsemen of childhood trauma,” Withers says. “When my clients are struggling with loneliness, particularly after a breakup, they realize this feeling is a normal response to the situation. At other times, loneliness is heavier when connected to a childhood trigger.” 

Naturally, it's hard to determine if loneliness or another difficult emotion influences your dating decisions. But that's where introspection comes in. Withers recommends digging a bit deeper to understand what’s going on. Ask yourself what feelings come up when you think of singlehood, your primary motivations for dating, and if you truly feel ready to connect and build a securely attached relationship with someone. 

Do you have an urgency to partner up with someone? And, if so, why is that? What's missing from your life that you need a partner to feel complete? Take time to do some self-work and get to the root. Only then, you'll find success in a meaningful relationship.

What to Do If You’re Still Unsure 

Oprah once famously said, “I don’t know means no.” AKA, if you're feeling eh about them, chances are you're not interested.

“If you’re not sure if you’re into someone, you’re probably not,” Holz says. “Perhaps a cognitive part of you likes some of their qualities on paper, but you’re not attracted to them or excited by them when you’re together. This can lead to confusion as parts try to argue logically you should care for someone more than you actually do.” 

Being uncertain doesn't mean you need to break off ties or plunge deeper into the relationship—there’s no rush to the finish line here. Keep exploring, but give yourself a date—say, two weeks or a month—to sift through your feelings. If things still feel uncertain, that’s your sign to move on and find your perfect match.