Breaking Down the Most Important Elements of a Healthy Sex Life

When it comes to sex and intimacy, we all have different needs. Regardless of what works for us on an individual level, however, there are some universal truths that are essential to maintaining any kind of sexual relationship—and pleasure is just the tip of the iceberg (pun intended).

A healthy connection is one in which each person feels valued and safe. It involves open communication, mutual consent, respect, and (of course!) a focus on pleasure.

What Is a Healthy Sexual Relationship?

A healthy sexual relationship is a consensual partnership where each individual feels physically satisfied, respected, and emotionally fulfilled. Such relationships are characterized by communication, thoughtfulness, and trust. Each person feels safe talking about their desires.

"A healthy sexual relationship is one with lots of communication. Both partners should feel they can express their needs, desires, and fantasies to one another without fear of judgment," says Katie Schubert, PhD, LMHC, a certified sex therapist.

It’s a type of connection that feels both physically and emotionally fulfilling. It's not about checking off boxes on a list of "wants" or "needs" in terms of the frequency or the type of sex you are having.

So if you're someone who likes to get a little kinky, wants to try a roleplay scenario, or straight up doesn't like a certain position that most people love, it's totally your prerogative to say so!

A healthy sexual relationship is fun, playful, and intimate. You know you and your partner are enjoying it, and you feel comfortable sharing what works (and what doesn't).

Open Communication Is Key

As with any aspect of a healthy relationship, great communication is one of the keys to success. Sexual partners must feel safe talking about their desires without fear of judgment. It's a part of being sex-positive and maintaining a liberated attitude toward sex that is free from shame and stigma.

This means that we need to feel confident discussing our boundaries. And a lot of this comfort comes from knowing that our boundaries will be respected. We also need to be comfortable sharing our concerns without fear of reprisal. After all, we don't want to share a fantasy if we think our partner will laugh, pass judgment, or say something derisive.

You should feel completely comfortable talking about your fantasies with your partner. If your partner makes you feel bad about the positions you enjoy or other bedroom activities that you like, consider it a serious red flag. 

How to Foster Open Communication

So what do the experts recommend if you're struggling to communicate your sexual needs to your partner?

"I always ask the couples I see in my office to set a time to discuss their relationship–for example, Sunday evenings," Schubert explains. "In these 'meetings,' they can bring up any concerns, thoughts, or feelings they had from the previous week.

Schubert also notes that communication often breaks down when couples become so busy with the stresses of daily life, including the demands of juggling work and family.

To foster an open dialogue about sex, it can be helpful to create a safe space to talk about desires and concerns.

The Role of Mutual Consent

We hear about it a lot, but mutual consent really is the foundation on which a healthy sexual relationship is built. Consent is a fundamental aspect of a healthy sexual relationship. It helps to ensure that actions are agreed upon beforehand and are welcomed by each person involved. 

Consent is the golden rule in the bedroom (or anywhere else you might get intimate). It's all about both of you agreeing on what is happening and respecting each other's wishes, desires, and boundaries. 

Understanding and Establishing Mutual Consent

Mutual consent is not a one-time discussion. It is an ongoing conversation between sexual partners. It should be enthusiastic, but each person should be aware that feelings can change and that consent can be withdrawn at any time.

In any intimate encounter, prioritize explicit verbal consent. Consent can be fun or sexy. For example, you might check for consent with phrases like:

• "Do you like it when I...?"
• "Tell me what you like..."
• "Is it OK if I...?"
• "I'd like to try [...]; how does that sound to you?"

Incorporating these kinds of phrases into your talk during sex can be inviting and arousing! Verbal approval is essential when giving consent, but you can also back it up with non-verbal touches or gestures. And if you are concerned you might miss a signal, talk to your partner about having a safe word.

Just because you or your partner have said "yes" to something in the past doesn't mean that it's an automatic yes today! Mutual consent requires that you keep checking in with one another to ensure you are comfortable and that what is happening is happily welcomed.

You Have to Have Respect

Respect is vital to create a healthy sexual relationship founded on trust and intimacy. Showing respect involves showing one another consideration and kindness. It also means honoring one another’s boundaries. 

Knowing that your partner respects and values you is empowering. It allows you to be your most authentic self more comfortably. When we feel respected, we can be open about what we want without feeling like our partner will reject us.

Respect is also a cornerstone of emotional intimacy. Having your partner's respect and care creates a space where you can be vulnerable and intimate with them. This deepens the intimacy and trust that you share. 

How to Maintain Respect in a Relationship

You can show respect by listening and valuing your partner. Pay attention to their needs and desires. Be aware of their limits and boundaries, and don’t try to push your partner to do things they feel uncomfortable with.

For example, if your partner wants to try a certain sexual activity you are uncomfortable with, they should respect that boundary. It's OK for them to ask you to consider it more or talk about why you aren't interested, but ultimately, they shouldn't pressure you into things you don't want to try.

It also means that neither of you should be made to feel guilty for turning down sex. You should need to come up with excuses–like having a headache or being too tired. If you’re not in the mood, then you’re not in the mood. Nothing more needs to be said.

And Let's Not Forget the Importance of Pleasure

Communication, consent, and respect should all work toward supporting a central component of a healthy sexual relationship: pleasure. This doesn’t just mean physical satisfaction. Emotional satisfaction is also a pillar of a  fulfilling sexual connection.

According to the National Coalition for Sexual Health, pleasurable sex can benefit your physical and emotional health. Sex is also linked to stronger immunity, lower blood pressure, increased pain relief, lower stress levels, decreased anxiety and depression, and better self-esteem.

And the reality is that the more pleasurable sex is, the more likely you are to engage in regular, health-boosting intimacy. Fortunately, there are many ways to make sex more pleasurable and overcome sexual concerns that might hold you back from fully enjoying your time together.

Ways to Enhance Pleasure

Because pleasure is an important part of a healthy sexual relationship, enhancing this aspect of your partnership can be a great way to improve satisfaction and bring you closer. Strategies that can help in this regard include:

Exploring New Experiences

Trying new things in the bedroom can reignite your curiosity and passion, even if you've been together for a while. A vibrant sex life involves keeping these fresh and finding ways to bring new energy to your intimate life. Exploring together can also be a great way to learn how to better respect and appreciate your own body in new and different ways. 

Engaging in Foreplay

Sometimes, anticipation is just as pleasurable as the activity itself. Foreplay is crucial to any good sexual relationship. It not only increases the excitement you both feel, but it can also be a way to enhance the emotional intimacy you feel through touching, kissing, and exploring each other's bodies. 

It's also a great way to learn more about what you and your partner enjoy. As you get to know one another's bodies, you can figure out what works and what makes you feel good. Foreplay is also a fun way to spice things up depending on the mood–you can go slow or move things along more quickly depending on how you feel.

Prioritizing Emotional Intimacy

Intimacy is about more than sex. It is about feeling close and connected to someone. Sexual intimacy is one type, but emotional intimacy is just as important, and in many cases, the two are deeply connected. 

When you feel an emotional connection with your partner, you're often able to feel more sexually intimate with them.

Feeling good during sex is about more than the main event. Being emotionally intimate allows you to overcome any inhibitions you have and fully embrace what you are feeling in the moment. And research has shown that being present is one of the key elements of satisfying sex.

The safety and trust this intimacy fosters also allow you to better connect with the desires and sensations more profoundly. You feel emotionally in tune with your partner so you are more aware of each other's joy and pleasure. 

If your sex life is feeling a little lackluster, it's worth it to spend time rekindling this emotional intimacy. You can foster this intimacy both in and out of the bedroom by talking, spending time together, showing affection, and being trustworthy.

And in case you need more convincing–the link between intimacy and sexual satisfaction is backed up by science. Studies have found that expressions of intimacy help people feel more secure in the relationship and more responsive to sex. In other words–greater intimacy leads to more frequent and more rewarding sex.

What to Do If These Characteristics Are Missing

We know how tough it can be to feel like something is lacking in your sexual relationships. Understanding your needs better, discussing your concerns, and exploring intimacy resources, including therapy, can be helpful.

Learn More About Your Sexual Needs

Communication, boundaries, and consent are key, but it's also important to remember that not everyone immediately knows exactly what they want. Exploring these things together and having ongoing conversations is all part of the process. 

It's OK to not know exactly what you want or are comfortable with. The key is to spend time learning about yourself, educating yourself about sex, and being open to talking about these things with your partners. 

There's no shame in saying that your sex education sucked. The reality is that many young people get very little in the way of informed, accurate information about sex and sexuality.

For many, sex ed focuses almost entirely on risk reduction, such as preventing STIs and unwanted pregnancies, while overlooking important topics such as pleasure, how to form healthy relationships, and inclusive information addressing the needs of LGBTQIA+ folks.

Talk About Sex

When something is missing from your sex life, talking about your concerns with your partner is often the first step. It's OK to admit that this can be daunting or even a little scary, particularly at first.

Thinking about how you’d like to approach these topics and what you’d like to say can be helpful. Some things to keep in mind:

• Your partner can't read your mind. That’s why it’s so important to be direct about what you want and what your boundaries are. 
• Ask questions. You can get the conversation rolling by asking, "What do you like?" or "Is this something you might like to try?" 
• Be direct and respectful. You can give feedback and let your partner know what you like and don't like, but it helps to be complimentary and kind when delivering feedback. You might say something like, "I’d like it if we do more of (this) and less of (that)," or "That's not something I'm comfortable with, but I'd like to try this instead. Is that something you'd like?" 

Protect Your Sexual Health 

The National Coalition for Sexual Health (NCSH) suggests that there are five action steps for good sexual health:

• Value yourself and decide what's right for you
• Learn about your body and take steps to protect it by practicing safe sex
• Treat your partners well and expect them to do the same for you
• Build positive, healthy romantic relationships
• Take care of your sexual health by getting contraceptive counseling, vaccines, and healthcare screenings

A healthy sexual relationship also involves taking care of yourself. Make sure you are doing thighs that support your sexual well-being, including getting those checkups and treating your body right.

Couples Therapy Can Provide Insights

Maybe your sex life is on the rocks. Or maybe it's alright, but you feel it could be even better. In either case, couples therapy or sex therapy can be a great option. 

By working with a therapist, you can explore how you relate to one another and identify potential problems that might be preventing you from feeling fully satisfied in your relationship.

Don’t Ignore Self-Help Books and Online Resources

Schubert also suggests that there are a number of helpful books and resources available that can help couples who are struggling.  

"There is also a tremendous amount of material out there you can consume. My go-to recommendation for many couples is the book 'Come As You Are,'" she suggests.

Resources you might find helpful include:

Books

• "Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life" by Emily Nagoski, PhD
• "The Pride Guide: A Guide to Sexual and Social Health for LGBTQ Youth" by Jo Langford
• "Better Sex Through Mindfulness: How Women Can Cultivate Desire" by Lori A. Brotto, PhD
• "Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship" by Stephen Snyder, MD
• "Rebel Love: Break the Rules, Destroy Toxic Habits, and Have the Best Sex of Your Life" by Chris Donoghue, PhD
• "Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That With Transform Your Love Life" by Vanessa Martin, LMFT

Podcasts and Apps

• Foreplay Radio with Laurie Watson, PhD, LMFT and George Faller, LMT: Features discussions of emotional and physical intimacy along with practical tips 
• Gottman Card Decks App: An intimacy-building tool from renowned relationship experts Drs. John and Julie Gottman
• Sex With Emily: This top-ranked podcast covers a wide variety of topics, including advice for singles and couples

Online Sex Therapy

• Talkspace: Offers online, chat-based therapy
• Modern Intimacy: Online sex therapy services from certified, culturally diverse therapists for clients in New York, Florida, Illinois, Colorado, and California
• American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT): A great resource for locating sex therapists, counselors, and educators in your state

We'll Leave You With This

Great sex can be an important part of your well-being. No single approach is right for everyone, so you need to learn more about what’s right for you and your partners. 

There's a lot more to great sex than passion or complicated positions (although those can be great, too). A healthy sexual relationship is one that brings you closer, helps you learn more about yourself and your partner, and ultimately, feels like an adventure that fully draws you into the moment.

So don’t be afraid to learn more about your own needs and ask for what you want in the bedroom. Just remember to ensure that communication, consent, respect, and pleasure are top priorities.