How to Cope When Your Ex Starts Dating Again

If your ex has jumped back into the dating world and you see them on the apps, it can be painful. It’s also challenging to handle the news from friends who report that your ex has started seeing someone else. It’s normal to feel down. It can be hurtful to hear about even if you have already begun dating and if you are not currently doing so, you might wonder if you should be dating again, too.

Learning the news can affect you emotionally, so take a deep breath. You might feel a range of reactions from rejection to anger to sadness. After all, you had hopes for a relationship that didn’t work out. As the hours and days go on, it’s not uncommon for people to find difficulty concentrating on their work or routine due to the news.

This article will cover why it’s important to acknowledge and process your feelings, how to manage your feelings, how to assess if you’re ready to date, and strategies for moving forward.

Acknowledge What You Feel

While it’s tempting to sweep feelings of longing or hurt under the rug and just carry on, it’s better for your mental health to honor your feelings. Take time to feel and process things. When you avoid dealing with what you heard or try to force hard feelings away, it becomes problematic. Avoidance coping just creates more stress.

Some people feel shame about the relationship ending and their partner moving on. Or they become furious with their ex and play the blame game. It’s important to acknowledge and work through these feelings instead of staying stuck in them. It can also be helpful to view the situation with empathy for yourself and your ex but be mindful not to bypass your feelings along the way.

Others who learn their partner has moved on react by lashing out in anger. If this applies to you, consider the cause. Is it anger at the financial investment you made in the relationship by loaning your ex money or helping them pay off their car? Disappointment or frustration towards yourself for not knowing then what you do now? Grief can sometimes be beneath anger as anger can be easier to express and feel than sadness.

One way to manage your anger is to focus on your thought process. Don’t engage in distortions, exaggerations, or catastrophic thinking. In this situation, that means you’d refrain from thinking they always get away with things or that you’ll never see that kind of money again. Instead of focusing or fixating on thoughts that may not be true that enrage you, be mindful of your thoughts and focus on what is true that you can control.

Show Yourself Some Compassion

If you run into your former partner with a new someone, it’s best to keep the encounter brief and be polite. It’s naturally uncomfortable, even if it was your idea to break up or get the divorce. In fact, research confirms that contact with your ex-partner is associated with psychological distress. The participants in the study included over 100 recently separated adults examined over a five-month timeline. 

Besides feeling distressed, you might then go home and compare yourself with the new love interest. Your self-esteem could take a hit. After an unplanned run-in, you might even think your ex is more attractive than before. You might regret breaking up. Reconciling might come to mind.

It’s best to manage your feelings with a sense of self-compassion and forgiveness. Remember that you are both humans. Build resilience and recover from setbacks by exerting self-control, problem-solving, and seeking support.

Assess If You’re Ready to Date

People heal in different ways, at different speeds. If the breakup was recent and you’re feeling upset or depressed, be patient with yourself and give yourself grace to move at your pace.

Here are signs that show you may not be ready to date from an emotionally available place at this time:

• You want to date because you feel empty
• You want to meet someone because you’re lonely and want to avoid hard feelings
• You are trying to make your ex jealous
• You want a rebound relationship so you don't have to process the former one
• You don’t reflect upon or take any responsibility for your role in the breakup
• You’re regularly checking up on your ex on social media and feeling strongly triggered when you do
• You’re trash-talking your ex on dates
• You're romanticizing or idealizing your ex
• You're ruminating about your ex
• You’re self-medicating
• You’re isolating yourself from friends and loved ones
• You're keeping photos and mementos of your ex in full view and reflecting on them often

There is no right or wrong time to date again, just what is best for you. For some folks, having casual sex may be helpful and for others, it may be harmful. Important to support folks in figuring out what is best for them while being honest with themselves and others in the process. Recommend editing to:

Be honest with yourself about your readiness to meet someone else at this time or about why you are looking to meet someone else at this time. If you want to date to fill a void of loneliness and are emotionally unavailable, be honest with yourself and with those who you may date so you don't lead anyone on.

Listen to yourself and be true to yourself when it comes to what really feels best and most nourishing for you and your well-being. This may be to date casually without emotional attachment, or it may be to wait until you feel more confident, connected, healed, and happy with yourself and with life before starting to date again.

There is no definitive right or wrong time to start dating after a breakup, just the time that honestly feels best for you. You can figure out what feels best for you by trying different things, but be sure to be honest with yourself and others by communicating clearly and courageously along the way.

Strategies for Moving Forward

Instead of choosing unhealthy coping mechanisms, like binge drinking, when your ex starts dating again, safeguard your physical and mental health. Just because your ex is with someone else doesn’t mean they haven’t grieved the breakup or that they don’t value you. And regardless of what they are thinking or not thinking or doing or not doing, your value and your worth is not dependent upon them or their actions or inactions. It is inherent within you.

Here are scientifically sound ways to help you heal through your hurt:

• Build a simple self-care routine
• Embrace nature therapy
• Develop a meditation practice
• Enjoy creative pursuits (like drawing, writing, and dancing)
• Focus on your own happiness
• Seek companionship and accountability through a support group
• Consider seeking support from a therapist

Discovering your ex is dating again can significantly affect your mental health and daily routine. Breakups can take a significant toll on your mental health and your daily routine. Reach out to friends or family members who can offer a new perspective and, at the very least, a beneficial hug. Hugs release endorphins, neurotransmitters that increase our feelings of well-being and pleasure.

Qualified therapists can also give you a safe space to explore your hurt about your ex moving on. They might recommend reframing techniques to help you shift your mindset. Therapeutic approaches that may be helpful after a breakup include: psychodynamic therapy, art therapy, brainspotting, compassion-focused therapy, internal family systems (IFS), narrative therapy, cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), EMDR, and acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), amongst others.