How Important Is It to Find Closure?

Closure is something we seek at the finality of something. We might desire closure after a romantic relationship ends, for example, or after a parent dies to help us deal with our grief. In other cases, we might want closure after ending a toxic relationship with a friend or family member.

When searching for closure, the main goal is to get answers to unresolved matters. But is it worth the hassle or is it better to leave things as they are and move on? Learn why closure might keep you from healing, what happens when you seek it, and how to get closure if that's what you need most.

The Drawbacks of Seeking Closure

Although it may seem that seeking closure would be a good thing, it does have some drawbacks.

Closure Can Prevent Healing

Seeking closure from someone can be a trap says ICF Certified Life & Relationship Coach Rachel Kuhlen of Realize You Coaching, for the following reasons:

• It can become a crutch that keeps you from doing the work necessary to move forward.
• You're asking someone who was not forthright with you to tell you what happened. (If they had been open and honest in the first place, you wouldn't need closure).
• There are no guarantees the other person will be honest with you.
• The amount of closure you get might feel unsatisfying, so you might question whether it's enough.

When something is lost or taken away, healing should be the main priority. To do this, we have to accept what once was is no longer present and work through those emotions.

Closure Could Be a Trigger

In terms of mental health, a trigger is an event, thought, or person that negatively affects our emotional state. According to Kuhlen, an attempt to get closure may trigger or amplify existing insecurities, sometimes even leading to new insecurities.

For example, if your partner no longer wants to be in a relationship with you, you might want to ask them why. Doing this is an attempt at getting closure. While you might want to understand why things are ending, finding out this information could be triggering.

Sometimes, we are triggered by how we interpret their responses. Here are some examples of what a former partner might say if we ask why the relationship is over versus ways we might interpret what their responses mean:

It's easy to overthink statements such as these when in search of things that have been left unsaid or unresolved. But sometimes, things are better off left unsaid—you might find that ignorance is bliss.

When Closure Isn't an Option

In many instances, closure may not be an option. If someone has passed away, for instance, you cannot receive closure. And if a romantic relationship has ended, the other person may be unwilling or unable to give you the closure you need.

So, what happens when you don't receive it? Are you better off not knowing? Are you sparing yourself additional heartache and confusion?

According to Sara Makin, M.S.Ed.,NCC, LPC, the founder & CEO of Makin Wellness, people often feel rejected if they don't get closure. However, they are also typically still emotionally invested in the relationship and, because of this, seeking closure can interfere with healing.

Additionally, sometimes the other person may be against helping you obtain closure. If this is so, you'll have to take it upon yourself to find other means to get closure for the good of your own mental health.

Ways to Get Closure

While not everyone receives closure, fortunately, some strategies can help bring relief and peace as we accept the ending of a relationship and begin to move forward in life. The end goal is peace, so finding closure on any level is a win.

Here are some ways to bring yourself some closure when you need it.

Write a Letter

Write the other person a letter. It could even be a 'goodbye' letter, allowing you to say everything you weren't able to. Regardless of the type of letter, the important thing here is that you get your emotions out.

Expressive writing can facilitate emotional healing. By simply writing everything out, you are releasing your sad and negative energy. It's entirely up to you whether you actually send the letter or not.

Embrace the Tears

Crying is one of the best ways to release difficult emotions. Releasing these emotions is important because keeping them in may reduce our immunity while also increasing our risk of both physical and mental health conditions, including cardiovascular disease, hypertension, anxiety, and depression.

Plus, once you're done crying, you generally feel better. It is hard to lose people in your life, and it's even harder to try to mask those feelings. Let it out and when you're done, let it go.

Enjoy Your Solitude

Have you ever taken yourself out on a date? Try it once and you might just realize that you enjoy your own company.

Doing things alone can be so empowering. You don't have to ask anyone what they have a taste for, share anything, wait to order out of consideration for your guest, or pay for anyone but yourself.

Find a New Hobby

Hobbies are enjoyable. They're also a way to reduce stress. So, find something that brings you peace and happiness. Whether you like to color, paint, get pedicures, or shop, find something that makes you happy and do that.

Hobbies are also great for improving your mental health. When you're doing something that makes you feel good, it's like giving yourself a gift every time you engage.

Accept Things as They Are

The reality is that, with or without closure, the relationship has ended. While this may be a hard pill to swallow, face it head-on. In time, with effective coping skills, you will recover. You will meet someone else, make a new friend, or cultivate stronger bonds with others you already know.

That relationship didn't work out for a reason. You may not know that reason right now, but in time it will make sense. Acceptance is a good first step to healing, and once you heal, you can move forward.

Do You Really Need Closure?

You may or may not. You're the best gauge of what you need. No one else can determine whether or not you need closure or how much of it you need.

Keep in mind, though, that you may not get the kind of closure that you're looking for. Are you prepared to hear something you don't like? What about the emotions that follow the conversation?

Though there is hope for closure, it is not something that is often given; and when it is, the outcome is not what most expect. Instead, the most important thing is to take care of yourself no matter what happens because you are your main priority.

Sometimes, the best closure is ridding yourself of whoever interferes with your happiness and focusing on the people and activities that bring happiness into your life. So, is closure important? You have to decide that for yourself and on your own terms. Maybe letting go is all the closure you really need.