How Growing Up in a Big Family Shapes Your Development

Picture this: a bustling household where there's never a dull moment, where we have to fight our siblings for the bathroom, the window seat, or the last bite of cake, and where family dinners are loud and chaotic affairs. If you grew up in a big family, you probably have countless stories of shared adventures, sibling rivalries, and inside jokes.

But beyond the noise and the chaos, the complex dynamics of a large family also have a significant impact on our growth and development. “Growing up in a big family impacts our development because the immediate family serves as the first and primary group we are part of. Our role in the group and the rules of how it operates frame how we interact with all future groups we encounter,” says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist.

From shaping personality traits to influencing social skills, the dynamics of a large family can leave a lasting mark. Let's explore the unique benefits and challenges that come with growing up in a large family.

Characteristics of Children in Big Families

While every child’s nature is different, these are some characteristics that may be more common among children in big families:

• Communication: Children in large families often develop excellent communication skills early on, as they frequently interact with family members of various ages.
• Sociability: “Having many family members means that there are more people coming and going through the cycles of life,” says Claudia de Llano, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist. Children learn to navigate relationships with other members of the family and develop strong social skills as a result.
• Collaboration: Big families tend to require members to work together to achieve common goals, such as making dinner, planning birthday parties, or even sharing the bathroom so everyone can get to school/work on time.
• Conflict resolution: Children have to learn to share, compromise, and negotiate with multiple siblings for resources, time, and space, which can help them develop strong conflict resolution skills. 
• Self-reliance: With their parents’ time and attention divided among multiple family members, kids often learn to be more self-reliant.
• Adaptability: Living in a dynamic environment with various personalities, preferences, and schedules tends to teach children to be flexible and adaptable.
• Responsibility: Children often have to help out with household chores from a young age, fostering a sense of duty and responsibility.
• Patience: Children often have to wait their turn, which can help them learn that immediate gratification isn’t always possible.
• Resourcefulness: Children who grow up in big families learn to adapt to strained resources–both financial and emotional, says Dr. Romanoff. “Despite the lack they might feel in these areas, they are often resourceful and compensate in ways that help them be successful.”
• Resilience: Children often develop thicker skin, becoming adept at managing stress and coping with setbacks.
• Playfulness: Big families often have a lively, playful atmosphere, fostering a good sense of humor and a love for fun.
• Support: Big families often experience deep, lifelong bonds and a strong sense of support and belonging.
• Competitiveness: Growing up with many siblings can instill a sense of competition among children.
  

Impact of Big Families on Personality Development

We tapped the experts to understand how growing up in a big family might affect mental health and personality development.

The experience of growing up in a big family can vary widely and depend on factors such as the emotional capability of parents, the presence and involvement of grandparents or other relatives, the age gap between siblings, and the availability of help/support, says Dr. Romanoff.

It really comes down to how well children are able to form a secure identity that is bonded to the safety of a solid parental foundation, says de Llano. “If that is provided for, children can form a strong sense of self and find support and closeness with others.”

However, de Llano adds that if children lack parental security while growing up and get lost in the numbers, it may shake the foundation of trust and bonding that is required to form a strong sense of self.

The problem is often that “parents have finite resources. In a big family, it can feel like there is not enough money, food, attention, or emotional support to go around for each child,” says Dr. Romanoff.

In fact, research shows us that family size is often inversely proportional to the amount of resources parents invest in each child, which can have a negative effect on the child’s education, growth, and development.

Dr. Romanoff explains that this could cause children to either develop ways to get their parents’ attention—either negatively by acting out or positively by becoming the perfect student. On the other hand, she says some children may adapt by suppressing their needs, as it is easier to minimize their wants than to sit with the pain of having them go unmet.

One of the most common negative impacts of growing up in a big family is neglect, as it is extremely difficult for all family members’ needs to be met all of the time, says Dr. Romanoff. “Children often grow up believing they were not worthy of getting their needs met, instead of recognizing their parents did not have the capacity to fully meet them.”

Practical Strategies for Raising Children in Big Families

Raising kids in a big family can be both rewarding and challenging. These are some practical strategies that can help you manage and nurture a large household:

• Maintain consistent routines: Maintain a consistent daily routine for meals, bedtime, chores, and homework, to give everyone a sense of structure and predictability.
• Share calendars: Use a shared family calendar to track everyone’s activities, appointments, and deadlines, so that nothing gets overlooked.
• Assign chores: Assign each child age-appropriate chores to teach them responsibility and self-sufficiency.
• Catch up one-on-one: Make it a point to spend some one-on-one time with each family member so they feel seen and heard.
• Plan family activities: Plan regular family activities, such as movie nights, game days, outings, or holidays, to help everyone bond.
• Honor family traditions: Honor cultural and familial traditions to create shared memories and foster a sense of continuity. Research shows that maintaining family traditions and sharing intergenerational stories helps solidify cultural identity and creates a feeling of belonging.
• Celebrate special occasions: Celebrate each family member's achievements and milestones individually to make them feel special and appreciated.
• Hold family meetings: Hold regular family meetings to discuss plans, address issues, and make decisions collectively, giving each family member a chance to chime in.
• Foster open dialogue: Foster an environment where people feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and feelings openly. Teach children to share their thoughts and problems honestly but respectfully.
• Establish consistent rules: Establish clear and consistent rules and consequences that apply to all.
• Encourage self-sufficiency: Teach children to be self-reliant by encouraging them to take care of their own needs, such as dressing themselves or making simple meals.
• Be flexible: Be prepared to adjust plans and routines as needed, recognizing that flexibility is key to managing everyone’s needs.
• Promote healthy habits: Encourage healthy eating, regular exercise, and sufficient sleep for all family members, to promote better mental and physical health.
• Encourage collaboration: Engage the whole family in collaborative projects, such as gardening, cooking, or volunteering, to foster a sense of unity and teamwork.
• Emphasize support: Emphasize the importance of being there for each other and supporting each other, through good times and bad.

A large family can be a nurturing environment where the influence of parents, other caregivers, and siblings can offer a major support network, provided that the boundaries are flexible enough to allow each person to become who they truly are and lead the lives they want to lead, says de Llano.

Coping Strategies for Children Who Grew up in Big Families

If you grew up among the chaos of a large family, these are some coping strategies that might be helpful:

• Acknowledge your experiences: Take some time to reflect on the positive and negative aspects of growing up in a large family.
• Validate your feelings: Remember that it's okay to feel overwhelmed, annoyed, resentful, and loved at the same time.
• Set boundaries: Learn to assert yourself and set healthy boundaries with family members, if needed.
• Communicate honestly: Maintain open lines of communication with your parents and siblings, to share your feelings and concerns.
• Explore your hobbies: Join sports teams, clubs, or other hobby groups to explore your interests outside the family dynamic.
• Balance your interests: Learn to prioritize tasks and manage time effectively, balancing family responsibilities with personal activities.
• Prioritize self-care: Make it a point to take care of your mental, physical, and emotional health. Remember that it’s okay to put yourself first sometimes.
• Carve out personal space: Find ways to carve out your personal space, whether it’s a quiet corner for reading or a dedicated slot for alone time.

Takeaways

A large family can be loving, fun, noisy, chaotic, and difficult, all at the same. Chances are, you’ll pick up some important life skills and learn to navigate different types of relationships from a very young age. However, there may be times when you feel neglected, overlooked, or slighted.

Setting boundaries with loved ones, prioritizing your needs, and practicing self-care can help you cope. However, if you’re struggling, it may be helpful to see a therapist or counselor. They can help you understand how the family dynamics you grew up with are affecting your present life and teach you how to form healthier habits and relationships.