Honest Adoption Language vs. Positive Adoption Language

Why Adoption-Related Language Matters

While you might not think of adoptees as an underrepresented or marginalized group, the truth is that adoptees experience loss nearly upon birth or during childhood. As a result, adoptees have a higher likelihood of dealing with trauma-related symptoms.

Adoption and Microaggressions

Adoption is often viewed through a binary lens—either the adoptive parents are labeled as "rescuers," or the adoption process is deemed an inferior way to have a child (when compared to conceiving a child with a partner). As a result, adoptees may receive some damaging messages.

Some of the types of microaggressions adoptees face:

Hearing "biology is best"
Being characterized as a "bad seed"
Being told "you should be grateful"
Messaging that "adoption is win-win"
Secrecy around their origins or even the fact that they are adopted
Invalidation of heritage

Lesli Johnson, LMFT

Words like 'chosen,' 'lucky,' 'special,' 'meant to be,' etc., often leave adoptees who have an array of feelings, including grief, loss, and anger, feeling marginalized and unseen.

— Lesli Johnson, LMFT

These microagressions, also known as "positive adoption language" can be very difficult for adoptees to navigate and embrace, says Lesli Johnson, LMFT, a therapist specializing in adoption.

Now that you know some of the ways that language can affect adoptees, read on to learn about two very different schools of thought around adoption language.

What Is Positive Adoption Language?

Years ago, the language surrounding the adoptive process was very stigmatizing. In response, social worker Marietta Spencer introduced Positive Adoption Language in 1979 in her article titled, "The Terminology of Adoption."

Positive Adoption Language

Positive adoption language aims to correct previously-used negative adoption language.

What Is Honest Adoption Language?

Some people believed that positive adoption language was too positive to the point where adoptees felt that it glazed over some of the more painful and emotional aspects of adoption (like grief and loss).

To paint a more accurate picture of adoption of the adoption process, honest adoption language was created.

Honest Adoption Language

Honest adoption language aims to recognize that being adopted is an identity that affects adoptees for a lifetime.

Critics of honest adoption language believe that calling birth mothers “natural mothers” implies that adoptive parents are “unnatural.” Moreover, critics argue that honest adoption language erases the early work of those who fought to bring positive adoption language to the forefront.

Inclusive Adoption Language

There are people who take issue with both positive and honest adoption language. So, some people advocate for more neutral language known as inclusive adoption language.

Inclusive Adoption Language

This type of language allows individuals to determine which language choices resonate with them the most.

Positive Adoption Language vs. Honest Adoption Language

Below is a chart that compares positive and honest adoption language.

Positive Adoption Langauge

Birthparents
Parents
Placed for adoption
Birth child
Child*
Was adopted
Adoption Triad/Triangle
Meeting

Honest Adoption Language

Natural parents
Adoptive parents
Taken for adoption
Natural child
Adopted child
Is adopted
Adoption Transaction
Reuniting

*When referring to the adoptive family

Positive and Honest Adoption Language Terms Explained

Now that you're familiar with both types of adoption language and aware of some examples, here is an explanation of the terms listed above.

Birthparents vs. Natural Parents

Language Type	Term	Explanation
Positive	Birthparent	The positive adoption language version is either birth parent/mother/father or “first mother,” as a reaction to negative adoption language.
Honest	Natural parent	According to honest adoption language, this characterizes the original mother by defining her only as a “breeder”—defining her only by her status of having conceived and carried a child. The honest language perspective on this is that since adoption is a life-long status, so are parents, whether an adoptee lives with them or not.

Parents vs. Adoptive Parents/Adopters/People Who Have Adopted

Language Type	Term	Explanation
Positive	Parents	The positive adoption language typically favors those who are adopting, so for an adoptive parent to use solely “parent” may make others in the family affected by adoption feel left out.
Honest	Adoptive Parents/Adopters	Those who believe in honest adoption language believe that the correct terms for those who do the adopting is Adoptive Parents/Adopters/People Who Have Adopted. They believe it is important to not erase the reality of being adopted.

Placed for Adoption/Relinquished vs. Surrendered, Lost to/Taken for Adoption

Language Type	Term	Explanation
Positive	Placed/relinquished for adoption	The placed for adoption/relinquished for adoption language is meant to replace previous, more negative language such as “put up” for adoption. This phrase comes from the 1800s Orphan Train days when children were "put up" at auctions for adoption.
Honest	Surrendered/lost to adoption	Proponents of honest adoption language prefer "surrendered/lost" because they believe these phrases justify the impact of the loss that adoption causes.

Birth Son/Daughter/Child vs. Son/Daughter/Child or Lost Son/Daughter/Child

Language Type	Term	Explanation
Positive	Birth son/daughter/child	Birth son/daughter/child is thought to be an improvement from the negative adoption language used in the past (e.g., “abandoned child” or “unwanted child.)"
Honest	Son/daughter/child or Lost son/daughter/child	Honest language prefers "child" or "lost child" because calling someone a birth son/daughter/child likens them to a product—that they are only identified by who they were when they were surrendered.

Son/Daughter/Child vs. Adopted Son/Daughter/Child (in adopted families)

Language Type	Term	Explanation
Positive	Son/daughter/child	In an adopted family, this is meant to denote that the adopted child is no different from the family’s “own” or biological child.
Honest	Adopted son/daughter/child	The idea of using solely son/daughter/child in an adopted family is not viewed favorably by proponents of honest adoption language. They believe that the adoption “industry” wants all mentions of being adopted removed from the media to paint a false picture that the person who was adopted was actually born to the adopters.

Was Adopted vs. Is Adopted

Language Type	Term	Explanation
Positive	Was adopted	Uses the phrase “was adopted” since they see adoption as a one-time process that is over once the legal transaction is over. They believe that being adopted shouldn’t be someone’s identity. In this view, adoption refers to how someone joins a family.
Honest	Is adopted	As long as someone has not been adopted back by their first parents or terminated their adoption, they are legally adopted forever.

Adoption Triad vs. Adoption Transaction

Language Type	Term	Explanation
Positive	Adoption Triad	The term "adoption triad" symbolizes the importance of each member (first parents/adoptee/adoptive parents) in the triad and that each side made the adoption process possible.
Honest	Adoption Transaction	Proponents of honest adoption language believe that the use of the phrase “adoption triad” obscures the power differential of adoption in favor of attempting to equalize a relationship they believe is very much not equal.

Meeting/Making Contact vs. In Reunion

Language Type	Term	Explanation
Positive	Meeting/Making contact	Uses “meeting” or “making contact” to signify a finite event and assumption that it will not be an ongoing relationship.
Honest	In reunion/reuniting	The phrase “in reunion” signifies a phase of life or a relationship status, not a one-time event.

A Word From Verywell

Some of these phrases and beliefs may be contradictory. If you are an adoptee, use the language you prefer. You can speak to a mental health professional if you're having any difficulties related to adoption.

Coping With Complicated Feelings as an Adoptive Parent

3 Sources

Verywell Mind uses only high-quality sources, including peer-reviewed studies, to support the facts within our articles. Read our editorial process to learn more about how we fact-check and keep our content accurate, reliable, and trustworthy.

White EE, Baden AL, Ferguson AL, Smith L. The intersection of race and adoption: Experiences of transracial and international adoptees with microaggressions. Journal of Family Psychology. 2022;36(8):1318-1328. DOI: 10.1037/fam0000922
Spencer, M. E. (1979). The Terminology of Adoption. Child Welfare, 58(7), 451–459.
Warren A. The Orphan Train. The Washington Post.

By Theodora Blanchfield, AMFT
Theodora Blanchfield is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist and mental health writer using her experiences to help others. She holds a master's degree in clinical psychology from Antioch University and is a board member of Still I Run, a non-profit for runners raising mental health awareness. Theodora has been published on sites including Women's Health, Bustle, Healthline, and more and quoted in sites including the New York Times, Shape, and Marie Claire.

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