Help! My Spouse Just Asked for a Divorce (and I Don't Want One)

Whether it seems out of the blue or you felt it coming, it can be scary to hear your spouse say, "I want a divorce" or "I'm done." If this is the situation you're in, remember that it’s not over 'til it's over. Even spouses who say they want to divorce may be somewhat ambivalent about that decision, meaning that there can be hope for a reconciliation.

If you truly want to avoid divorce, you must demonstrate that you are capable of real change. Think deeply about what has gotten you both to this place. What has your spouse been complaining about for a very long time? What have you been remiss in hearing? Consider the behaviors you are willing to change to make your marriage work.

It may seem unfair that you have to do the changing, but when your spouse has hit their limit and you're the one who wants to make it work, you may need to make the first move toward real change. Here we share what to do and not do if your spouse tells you that they want a divorce.

What Not to Do If Your Spouse Wants a Divorce

"Although you may want the best opportunity to save your marriage, some people sabotage this by acting angry or vengeful. Often, these actions are a result of feeling discouraged, disregarded, or hopeless," says clinical psychologist Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, causing them to choose to hurt their partner rather than be acknowledged.

Here are some actions that can make it difficult to meet your goal of saving the marriage, making it important to work hard to avoid them:

• Acting out: Behaviors such as using drugs, alcohol, getting caught up in the bar scene, and flirting (or more) with others won't help you work things out with your spouse in the long run.
• Begging: Pleading with, pursuing, or pressuring your spouse can have the opposite effect and turn them off.
• Buying: Buying gifts, flowers, and cards to make up for or apologize for your actions that prompted your spouse to want a divorce probably won't resolve the real issues. You will not be successful at buying back love.
• Gossiping: Asking family or friends to encourage your spouse to stay with you may make things worse. Discussing personal matters with others may just upset your spouse.
• Idealizing: Refrain from pointing out all the good things about marriage or about you.
• Manipulating: Saying "I love you" or asking your spouse to read books about love and marriage could come off as manipulative or pushy.
• Nagging: Avoid making excessive phone calls and sending lots of texts to your spouse, especially if this has not been your pattern, as it can make you seem desperate.
• Neediness: You may be overwhelmed with sadness and can only express this feeling toward your spouse, but do your best to not act needy toward them.
• Reminiscing: Do not try to get your spouse to look at your wedding pictures, talk about your early dating days, etc.
• Spying: Following them in your car, checking their emails, cell phone, bills, and so on can break rather than build trust in your relationship. 
  

What to Do If Your Spouse Wants a Divorce

Try these proactive steps to repair your rift and encourage your partner to change their mind about divorce. Ultimately, the goal is not only to avoid divorce but to improve the health of your relationship.

• Act as though you will move forward with confidence. Commit to doing this regardless of whether or not your spouse decides to stay with you.
• Allow your spouse to come to you with questions or concerns. Let your partner know that you sincerely want to save the marriage, then be patient when discussing the topic. During your discussions, be an active and engaged listener.
• Be your best self. This is not the time to fall apart, go into a rage, or get vengeful. Muster up the best attitude you can, putting your best self forward.
• Behave respectfully toward your spouse. In addition to being respectful with your spouse, practice self-respect as well.
• Don't engage in arguments. Don't take the bait if your spouse tries to get you to argue. You may even have to walk away. (If your spouse claims that you "always walk away," state that you would be happy to stay and have a civil conversation, then do it.)
• Get help. Read self-help or self-improvement books or see a marriage counselor. "Divorce Remedy" by Michelle Weiner-Davis may be a good book for your circumstances.
• Give your spouse some space. Don't question them about their whereabouts or schedule. Instead, give them room.
• Keep busy. Continue your day-to-day activities, and maybe even add some new ones. Go out with friends, family, and your children. Visit a place of worship, try a new hobby, or get some exercise. Continue living, despite what happens with your marriage. You may invite your spouse to join you, but don't react negatively if they decline. Also, don't change your intended plans.
• Keep up with your appearance. You may feel very down and bad about yourself, but ignoring basic hygiene can further impact your mental health.
• Let your spouse see you as content. Your mood may be fluctuating, but find an outlet for difficult feelings that isn't your spouse. Often, a therapist or counselor can provide a safe space to process your feelings.

Next Steps If Divorce Is On the Table

In addition to taking the proactive steps mentioned above, you might be wondering the best way to proceed or move forward. There are a few immediate steps to consider if you and your spouse have discussed getting a divorce.

• Try relationship or couples therapy: See if your spouse is open to going to couples counseling with you to identify and work on the issues in your relationship. Therapy, both as a couple and as individuals, could help you understand if there's a way to move forward together and reconcile what's causing a rift.
• Consult a lawyer: Even if you hope to reconcile, it may still be a good idea to speak to a lawyer to better understand what a divorce could mean for you from a legal perspective.

Going through or considering a divorce can be emotionally distressing. To stay mentally strong, remember to practice self-care and reach out for support. You may also consider seeing a therapist on your own or joining a support group.

Final Thoughts

Making positive changes, regardless of whether your marriage ultimately works out or not, is always a good idea. There may be some behaviors or traits you have that can be problematic in most relationships. Working through them helps improve your ability to connect and communicate with a romantic partner (whether it be your current spouse or someone new).