Help! I Hate My Best Friend's Partner

Sometimes, we get lucky and our bestie falls in love with a person we absolutely adore. Other times, the opposite occurs, and we just can't stand their new boo.

We all have our tastes in people, and since you don't get to choose who your friends get together with, there's always a chance they could land with someone you wouldn't have chosen for them yourself. We all have traits we prefer in people, but they might be different from our best friends—even if you're super close.

Whether your friend's partner is new or the situation is long-term, hanging out with someone you don't like always kind of sucks. It can be especially frustrating if you have concerns over your friend's relationship dynamic—ie you think their partner isn't treating them right—and make the situation all the more hair-raising.

Sure, you could hash an elaborate plan to break them up without their knowing you had a hand in it, or you could learn some ways to cope.

Figure Out the Real Reason You Don’t Like Them

First, it's important to understand why you don't care for your friend's partner. That's because this information informs how you handle the situation.

"People get into romantic relationships for all kinds of reasons, and it’s common that a friend might end up with a partner you just don’t vibe with," explains sex therapist Kaylee Rose Friedman.

Let's look at the two main reasons you might not like this person.

Personality Flaws

You might not like your friend's partner, but the reasons for that can vary in importance. If you dislike them because you're envious of how much time they're spending with your friend, and how it has eaten into the hang time you two used to have, that's not really their fault.

Or if you just find them annoying and wouldn't have particularly chosen them as a friend, that's also not too big a deal. "It’s important to find clarity about why you dislike your friend's partner because that data will help you make decisions about how to handle the situation," says Friedman.

It's a bigger problem if you don't like the way the person engages with others, whether that's you, other friends in your community, or your best friend. If you find them rude or insensitive, that can be a sign of a larger issue. And if you find yourself concerned for your friend, this may be just the beginning of an uncomfortable situation.

Toxic Behavior

One reason you might not like your friend's partner is because of how they're treating your friend. If you suspect abuse or even treatment that looks like it could potentially become abuse, the right step will likely be to talk to your friend about it. Friendships can help protect others from abusive situations.

Of course, your friend might not be open to hearing your concerns about her relationship. Friedman says to ask if your friend even wants to discuss this, before diving in. "The important thing is to own your feelings when you share how you feel with your friend, rather than blaming them or attempting to control their choices," she says.

She recommends asking your friend if they have space to hear about how you're feeling about their relationship. And if they say no, she says that answer should be respected.

Do You Want to Like Them?

The next question to ask yourself is how willing you are to move forward with this situation. If you value your friendship, and you want to continue it regardless of the partner, then your best bet is to figure out if you can try and connect with the partner or not.

If You Want to Try

If you dislike your friend's partner because they rub you the wrong way or you find them annoying, and not because they are potentially mistreating your friend, you may decide it's worth trying to get used to them. Chances are that you don't want to ruin your friendship over this person. Ask yourself whether or not you can learn to like them, and take note of your gut response.

While you may have misgivings about the partner due to anything from how they didn't initially commit to your friend to how loudly they chew their food, it may be worth trying to connect with them. To do this, Friedman says you should "Invest in really getting to know the person."

Friedman recommends that you spend one-on-one time with them without your friend present, and tells us that "short of them being abusive, most issues end up feeling less stressful when you really start to understand a person and why they are the way they are. The better we know someone the easier it is to access compassion and understanding for them."

You can attempt to connect with the partner the same ways that you'd look into making a new friend or getting closer to a work colleague. Friendman says that "spending quality time together, joining together on a project or a mutual goal, connecting around mutual interests, being curious and asking a lot of questions, and being vulnerable by sharing your own life are all good ways to connect with new people."

If There is No Way You Can Deal

Sometimes, we simply don't like a person, period. This may be the case with your best friend's partner. If there are no abuse concerns and even with repeated attempts to get to know them you still don't care for them, you may have to revamp your friendship to fit this new situation. The good news is that it doesn't have to mean your friendship ends over this issue.

"It’s absolutely possible to maintain your friendship if you don’t like your friend's partner," says Friedman. She tells us that "it will take a lot of honesty, strong boundaries, and healthy communication between you and your friend to navigate the situation gracefully."

By sharing how you feel with your friend and working together to move forward, you're coming from a vulnerable place and letting your friend know that you are choosing to be uncomfortable rather than drop the friendship.

You may be able to figure out times to get together that don't involve the partner, or activities that they wouldn't want to join anyway. By staying open and honest with your partner, the two of you together can navigate this complex situation.