Have I Fallen Out of Love or Am I Depressed?

Every relationship has a natural ebb and flow, but if you're stuck in what feels like an endless low point, you might wonder, "Am I falling out of love, or am I depressed?" The answer to that question can sometimes be much more complicated than expected.

"People often fall out of love when they are depressed because they no longer feel connected to themselves and their partner," says licensed therapist Abbey Sangmeister, MSEd, LPC, ACS. "Depression creates a fog around us that does not allow us to see or feel clearly, which can cause us to feel that no one loves us, we feel or don’t have the energy to love and give, or feel overall numb and disconnected." 

Your love life and your emotions are intricately interconnected, which is why it's sometimes challenging to tell whether you're experiencing changes in how you feel about your partner or if it might be something more serious like depression.

Plus, depression can affect your life and relationships in complex ways. Problems in your romantic relationships can sometimes be a source of deep sadness or even feelings of depression. So how can you tell if what you are feeling means you're no longer in love or if it's a symptom of depression (or a combination of the two)?

Understanding the difference between the two is vital, not only for the health of your relationship but for your own mental health. After all, the sooner you recognize the signs of depression, the sooner you can get help and find relief.

Am I Falling Out of Love…or Is it a Sign of Depression?

So, what does falling out of love actually feel like? Psychologists have introduced various frameworks to help define and categorize love. One of the best-known theories is Robert Sternberg's triangular theory of love, which conceptualizes love as having three main components: passion, intimacy, and commitment.

When you think about what it feels like to "fall out of love," what you might actually be describing is the loss of passion. It's the gradual decline in the intense feelings of excitement, attraction, and physical chemistry that are the hallmarks of the early stages of a relationship. 

It's normal for those feelings to lessen over time and the other two components of Sternberg's theory, intimacy and commitment, to take center stage. However, it’s a more serious sign when all three of these elements start to disappear.

Here's where it gets complicated—symptoms of depression can contribute to some of these feelings. You might feel irritated with your partner because, well, you just feel more irritated in general lately. Or you might not want to spend time with them because being around other people takes more energy than you can give right now. 

"People who are depressed can fall out of love like anyone else. Depression may not directly cause someone to fall out of love, but depression is complex and can impact thinking, mood, self-esteem, energy, desire, and more," explains Susan Trotter, PhD, a relationship expert and coach. Trotter also notes that this often results in more conflict, fewer shared activities, less intimacy, and greater isolation.

Figuring out what's really going on means you'll need to take a closer look at how you're feeling and decide whether it represents a change in how you view your relationship or a change in the state of your mental health. In either case, figuring out the cause can help you better decide how to tackle the problem, whether that means seeing a couples therapist, seeking treatment for depression, or breaking up with your partner.

Do People Fall Out of Love When They're Depressed?

Depression might not be the reason why you fall out of love with someone, but it can play a major part in how you feel about yourself, your partner, and your relationship.

Depression can impact many different areas of your life, including how you feel about others, your emotions, and your relationships. After all, it’s hard to feel connected with other people (your partner included) when you’re feeling isolated, sad, and hopeless. 

It can also be challenging to feel many of the emotions that normally happen in a happy, healthy relationship, like joy, excitement, and anticipation. It might not necessarily mean the relationship has changed, but how you feel about it may have shifted, making it much harder to appreciate the good things.

Social withdrawal is another common symptom of depression. When you are depressed, you may find yourself pulling away from your partner. This makes it tough to maintain feelings of intimacy and closeness.

Depression doesn't always cause a person to fall out of love, but the way it manifests can create problems in a relationship. You might feel more irritable and short-tempered around your partner. You might not feel like doing things you used to enjoy, so you might turn down opportunities to spend time together. 

How your partner responds to these symptoms can also damage your relationship. They might interpret your reactions as rejection or start to behave in ways that undermine the closeness that you once shared. 

However, it's important to remember that depression and love are complex. Your own experience of depression is unique, and how it affects your relationship can depend on a wide variety of factors. Depression can make you feel like you're falling out of love, but communicating your needs, seeing support, and getting professional help can help you navigate these challenges without jeopardizing your relationship.

Can Depression Make You Think You're Not in Love?

Unfortunately, depression can make you believe a lot of things that aren’t really true. It might tell you that you deserve to be miserable or that you don’t deserve to be loved. It might even make you think that you aren’t really in love at all.

According to therapist and coach Christina Granahan, LICSW, the symptoms of depression, particularly the numbing and sense of isolation that accompanies depression, can cause people to lose touch with feelings of love and connection with their partner. "Depression makes us think a lot of things that aren’t necessarily true. It can make us feel alone, like we don’t belong, like we’re unloved, or a victim of someone else," she notes.

Some characteristics of depression that might make you think you aren’t really in love at all include:

A Loss of Interest

A loss of interest in things that you used to enjoy or that used to be important to you is one of the hallmark symptoms of depression. Such disinterest is common when you find yourself drifting away from your partner. So if you find yourself losing interest in spending time with your partner, it’s normal to wonder if the root of this sudden loss of interest says more about your state of mind or the state of your relationship.

Changes in How You See Yourself

Depression also contributes to issues with poor self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness. You might find yourself wondering what your partner sees in you. Or you might start to think that you don't deserve their attention. You might even feel like you are burdening them. To cope, you might push them away or even try to convince yourself that you aren't in love with them at all. 

Negative Thinking

Depression also leads to distorted, negative thoughts that can make symptoms worse and exacerbate issues in your relationship. Small things that used to not bother you suddenly start to seem much worse than they really are.

You might find yourself misinterpreting your partner's actions, jumping to conclusions, or engaging in all-or-nothing thinking. Such thoughts ultimately undermine your connection and may cause you to think that you aren't in love with your partner like you were before.

Reduced Libido

Depression can significantly impact things like energy levels and libido, but changes in your relationship can have a similar effect. The social withdrawal that often accompanies depression can lead to a lower desire for physical closeness with your partner. If your partner doesn’t understand how this might be a sign of depression, they might interpret this as a loss of interest in the relationship as well.

Overlapping Symptoms

Even more confusing is the fact that depression and falling out of love can share some remarkably similar symptoms. Common feelings you might experience with both include:

• Sadness or emptiness
• Emotional numbness
• Crying
• Losing interest in spending time together
• Having a hard time concentrating
• Sleep disturbances
• Feelings of guilt or anger
• Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness

Researchers have even found that the emotions people experience at the end of a relationship are very similar to clinical depression. So it's no wonder that feeling depressed can make you think you're relationship might be on the rocks (and vice versa).

Is Depression a Reason to End a Relationship?

Sangmeister notes that leaving a relationship may be the right choice if your partner is contributing to feelings of depression. Before doing so, however, she suggests talking to a licensed mental health professional. This can help clarify your decision, explore ways to work on the relationship, and make clear decisions that are right for your life and well-being.

"It is important to distinguish whether your mental health–and in this case, depression–is making you want to end a relationship or if you are struggling because of the relationship," Trotter says. Ending it may be your best option if you're struggling because of the relationship. But if it's your depression causing these feelings, it's important to dig deeper into your feelings and symptoms.

"Ending a good relationship could be self-sabotaging and self-destructive if it’s actually a good relationship, and there are many things you can do to stabilize your depression, such as therapy, medication, groups, and more," Trotter explains.

It's normal to experience things like sadness, loneliness, and emotional distress when a relationship is over. You'll need to go through a period of adjustment where you allow yourself to process the experience and take steps to heal. Having social support is important, but you should also reach out to a mental health professional if you are experiencing symptoms of depression or prolonged grief following a breakup.

Seeking Professional Help

If you are experiencing symptoms of depression, it's important to talk to a licensed mental health professional. They can help you better understand your emotional experience, including whether it is really depression–or a sign that your relationship is in trouble. 

"If depression is significantly impacting you and your relationship, the first step is to seek treatment, which might include therapy and medication to help alleviate symptoms and help you create better strategies for managing your depression," Trotter suggests.

A therapist can evaluate your symptoms and give you perspective on the emotional states you are experiencing. Therapy can also help you understand how depression might be affecting your connection with your partner. 

Self-Reflection and Communication

If you’re struggling to tell if you’re actually falling out of love or if you might be depressed, it’s important to reflect on your thoughts, emotions, and experiences. As you engage in this self-reflection, ask yourself the following questions:

• Do you feel like you and your partner don't share the same emotional connection you once had?
• Are you avoiding spending time with your partner because your differences seem too great to overcome?
• Have you stopped planning your future together?
• Have you stopped caring about the things that matter to your partner?
• Do the unique traits and behaviors that used to seem cute, quirky, and charming suddenly seem like red flags or deal-breakers?
• Do you feel happier when you are alone than when you are together?

If you answered yes to many of these questions,  there's a good chance that your feelings for your partner have changed. This doesn't mean that you aren't also dealing with symptoms of depression, but it does indicate that it might be time to evaluate your relationship and think about what steps you want to take next.

If you answered no to many or most of these questions, it might be because your recent moods and feelings are linked to symptoms of depression more than a sudden shift in how you feel about your partner. 

In either case, communication is critical. Talk to your partner about what’s going on with you emotionally so you can make a plan for your next steps. This might include finding ways to rebuild your connection by spending more time together and talking more often. It might involve you seeking professional treatment for your depression. If the relationship is worth holding on to, it may also mean talking to a couples therapist.

Coping Strategies

If you’re struggling with your love life or experiencing symptoms of depression (or both), finding ways to cope with these challenges is essential. 

Relationships change over time, and it isn't uncommon for people to lose romantic feelings and experience breakups. The key is knowing how to handle these feelings, knowing when it's worth it to try to salvage a relationship, and when to move on.

• Communicate: Discussing what you’re experiencing with your partner is an important first step. "It is also important for you to talk with your partner about what you’re experiencing so that they can better understand it," Trotter says. 
• Care for yourself: Make sure that you are doing things to support your emotional well-being. "Self-care is critically important and taking even small steps to improve connection and intimacy will also help to alleviate the overwhelming feeling of disconnection," Trotter suggests. Even taking small daily steps like eating balanced meals, getting plenty of rest, and treating yourself kindly can help you feel better and gain more perspective on your situation.
• Reconnect: If you’ve decided to try to fall back in love, start taking steps toward rebuilding your connection with your partner. Remind yourself of their good qualities, take time to appreciate them, and start spending more time together.
• Consider couples therapy: Talking to a relationship professional can also help. "Working to improve healthy communication is also important, and couples therapy may be an effective way to help you with that," says Trotter. 
  

Keep in Mind

If you're worried that you've fallen out of love, it can be hard to decode what you're experiencing if you suspect you might also be depressed. Are you depressed because of the relationship, or are symptoms of depression affecting your relationship in negative ways? 

It's important to work with a mental health professional to sort out your feelings, build a greater awareness of what you are experiencing, and make the right decision about how to cope, Granahan suggests. 

She also says getting help and support to deal with depression is what matters most. "Some of us might need to stay in a healthy, life-giving relationship as part of the healing. Enlist the help of trusted allies–including professionals–to help you make these decisions if you aren't sure, but healing comes first."