Wait, Is My Anxious Attachment Caused By Glass Child Syndrome?

Growing up with a sibling who had complex needs such as chronic illness or disabilities probably meant you often felt “invisible” to your parents. You knew your siblings needed more help than you, so you learned to take care of yourself at an early age. 

You’re self-sufficient, responsible, and helpful. But you may also struggle with mental health challenges like perfectionism or people-pleasing and find it difficult to set boundaries. If this sounds familiar, you may have grown up as a glass child.

What Is a “Glass Child”?

“Glass child” is not a medical condition or mental health diagnosis, but a colloquial term used to describe certain challenges and strengths experienced by a child who grew up with a high-needs sibling. 

“Glass children learn early on in their lives to meet their own needs and express very little," she says. “They come across as highly mature and even-tempered. This can be a strength as grown-ups in their life tend to feel positive about their presentation. Unfortunately, this strength is also a vulnerability to the child as it makes it hard for them to reach out when they do need support.”

Emotions Experiences of Being a Glass Child

Angela Pei Wu, LMFT, a life empowerment coach, explains that a child with complex needs has the most power in the family system because they require extra attention and care. "Family members will often adjust and accommodate their own schedules, habits, needs, and way of being for the intensive needs child," she says.

Resentment and Guilt

An intensive needs child can bring a lot of love and support. However, it is natural for parents or main caregivers to feel burnt out and tired, especially when they neglect their own needs. Or the needs of their other children.

Wu adds that parents are so focused on their complex needs child that they may often forget that their other children also have needs as well. Because of this, some siblings may feel jealous or resentful.

Glass children "may even feel guilty for having negative feelings towards their siblings," Wu says. "Others may try to make themselves as perfect as possible and not 'rock the boat.'"

Impact on Mental Health

"Adults who grew up as glass children may have perfectionistic tendencies," says Wu. Perfectionism is associated with anxiety disorders, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and eating disorders. Glass children may also struggle with setting boundaries, which can negatively impact their relationships and increase their stress levels. 

The Role of Culture

Wu adds that culture also plays an important component in family relationships. For instance, "in Asian cultures, sibling gender and order informs their family roles. First-born sons and daughters may feel the additional burdens of taking care of their families," Wu says.

“Traditional gender roles may cause eldest daughters to be their family’s caretakers," she says. "As [intensive] needs is a taboo topic in Asian culture, families may feel the need to “save face” or hide the [complex] needs child due to shame. This causes families to be less likely to ask for support, putting an additional burden on the family system."

Coping Strategies for Glass Children

There are several ways to cope if you identify as a glass child. When a child has buried their needs on behalf of the family, it's important they learn how to openly express themselves, says Harwood. This can be a challenge for a glass child who has coped primarily through shrinking and minimizing their feelings and needs. 

Learn To Express Their Needs

Harwood suggests glass children use creative hand signals to help them communicate their needs. Or, write their feelings in a journal. “We want them to learn to take up space and reach for us even when their needs feel small in comparison with a higher needs sibling,” says Harwood.

Identify and Recognize Unhealthy Patterns 

For those who grew up as glass children, it’s crucial to recognize unhealthy behaviors such as perfectionism and people-pleasing.

Some patterns include:

• Feeling the need to put themselves last
• Feeling responsible for things out of their control
• Having poor boundaries
• Overworking
• Being overly critical of themselves

"Once these behaviors and patterns that are not beneficial are identified, glass children can work toward setting boundaries, identifying and honoring their needs, developing self-affirming language, and releasing themselves from things outside of their control," Wu says.

Parenting a Glass Child

If you are a parent of a glass child, you may be worried that you are causing these negative experiences. It’s important to recognize the needs and emotions of glass children and create a supportive and inclusive environment that provides attention, care, and resources for each child.

Recognizing Needs

Harwood says the first step to recognizing the needs of a glass child is to take the time to check in with them. Ask about their feelings and emotions and listen with presence and attention when they respond. This helps them learn that they and their needs are valid and important.

Pay Attention To Subtle Cues

Harwood emphasizes the need for parents to pay attention to the subtle emotional cues of their glass child. Glass children may not express needs in overt ways, but there are small signs that indicate emotional distress. For example, notice when they quietly leave a room or turn their faces away or down during a tense moment. 

“The more we attune to [a glass child’s] emotional state, the more likely it will be that we start to understand what they need,” Harwood says.

Support Groups

Harwood also suggests finding support groups for children with high-needs siblings. These support systems can become safe, understanding, and compassionate spaces for glass children to express their feelings and relate to one another.

Sibling Relationships and Glass Children

Wu adds that the experience of having a sibling with intensive needs can cause a myriad of emotions towards their sibling "such as love, joy, worry, fear, guilt, and maybe even resentment."

Parentification

Glass children can often feel the responsibility for their complex needs sibling, which can lead to them being very mature, responsible, and even parentified.

Wu defines parentification as a child taking on parental duties for their siblings or parents. "Parentification develops when children perceive their parents as too overwhelmed or incapable of fulfilling their parental duties. When this happens, parentified children become 'little adults' to help alleviate the family burden," she says.

In a case where a family has a high-needs child, parents may unintentionally cause parentification by reinforcing the child’s caregiving qualities, Wu says.

"Glass children learn that to be 'good' is to put their siblings before themselves," Wu says, minimizing their own needs, which can build resentment towards siblings and parents. "These caretaking siblings develop people-pleasing tendencies which may affect them into adulthood," she adds.

Resources and Support for Glass Children and Families

Harwood says glass children need attuned and connected parents who remember to prioritize their needs, despite the high needs of another child. “The best resource for a glass child is a secure attachment with at least one of their parents,” she adds.

Recommended Books

Harwood recommends the following books for glass children and their parents:

• For parents and older glass children: ”Living with a Brother or Sister with Special Needs: A Book for Sibs“ by Donald Meyer and Patricia F. Vadasy
• For teen glass children: ”The Sibling Survival Guide: Indispensable Information for Brothers and Sisters of Adults With Disabilities“ by Don Meyer 
• For younger children: “I am Just as Special: How to be a Sibling of a Special Needs Child” by Lena Hanna