From Heartbreak to Healing: Navigating the 7 Stages of a Breakup

We know that breakups can be devastating, no matter how they play out. One minute you’re strolling through the park hand in hand, picturing your future together. Next thing you know, you're left alone with visions of your future plans crumbling around you.

Going through a breakup can be as painful as grieving the death of a loved one because we’re essentially losing one of the most important relationships in our lives, says Claudia de Llano, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of “The Seven Destinies of Love.”

The grieving process can feel like an emotional roller coaster, where you’re riding waves of anger, sadness, confusion, loneliness, anxiety, guilt, and regret, interwoven with moments of relief, hope, and acceptance. Sometimes you go through these stages one by one, other times you repeat them or bounce back and forth between different emotional states so fast that it gives you whiplash.

When it comes to breakups, you can experience anger, resentment, and loss all in the same breath, says Clarissa Silva, a behavioral scientist, relationship coach, and developer of “Your Happiness Hypothesis.”

But at the end of this road, there is acceptance and growth, so hang in there!

Stage 1: Ambivalence

A million thoughts and feelings run through your head immediately after a breakup. At this stage, your heart and head play tug of war with your emotions, pulling you in different directions.

These are some of the thoughts and behaviors you may experience in this stage:

• Wondering if you did the right thing: Sometimes, you’re convinced that breaking up was the best thing to do. Other times, you find yourself wondering if maybe, just maybe, you could've made it work.
• Playing out all the scenarios: Your mind keeps playing out all the different “what-if” scenarios: “What if I had said this? What if they had done that? Would we still be together then?”
• Getting emotional whiplash: One moment you're feeling empowered, imagining your future without them, and the next, you're drowning in a sea of nostalgia, going through old photos and texts, desperately trying to hold onto something that’s slipping away.
• Experiencing mixed emotions: Your emotions are all over the place. You’re relieved that the fights are over, but you don’t want to be single again. You’re angry at your ex about the way they treated you, but you also miss them.

Coping Strategies

These are some strategies that can help you cope with mixed feelings:

• Acknowledge your feelings: Remember that it’s OK to have conflicting feelings. Acknowledge your emotions and allow yourself to feel your feelings fully as they arise so they can be felt, expressed, and moved through you.
• Be honest with yourself: Take the time to understand your needs, desires, and priorities. Reflect on what you want in a relationship and whether the ambivalence you’re feeling is because you genuinely want to be with the person or because you’re afraid of change. “Don’t lie to yourself. You have to be honest with yourself and define your truth,” says Silva.
• Make a pro and con list: It may be helpful to make a list of the pros and cons of the relationship. This can help you objectively figure out whether or not breaking up was the right thing to do.
• Consider a grief ritual. Rituals can help you regain a sense of stability and work through your emotions. They can be powerful and symbolic ways to help you in the process of healing and letting go. It may help to write a letter to your ex of all the things you want to express and then burn it, intentionally dispose or give away physical reminders of the relationship, or clean and update your environment in a way that brings you feelings of peace and hope.

Stage 2: Denial and Shock

Shock tends to set in soon after a breakup. At this stage, we’re in denial about the breakup and our emotions. “Denial is a protective mechanism that absorbs the pain as we slowly deal with a shifting reality,” says de Llano. 

These are some of the thoughts and behaviors you may experience in this stage:

• Refusing to accept reality: You’re probably thinking that this can’t be happening. You’re hoping that things get better and go back to the way they were. According to de Llano, common thoughts at this stage are: “We’ve been through this before, we can fix it,” or “They’ll come around and we’ll get back together.” 
• Avoiding painful emotions: Denial serves as a protective shield against the intense emotions that come with a breakup. Instead of facing the pain head-on, you bury your emotions and distract yourself with work or other responsibilities, to avoid thinking about it.
• Forgetting it happened: You keep forgetting that you’re not together anymore. You may find yourself reaching for them in your sleep or expecting to see them when you walk through the door.
• Staying in touch with your ex: You may continue to text and call your ex as though you’re still together, consulting them about your life as though nothing has changed, says de Llano.
• Not sharing the news: You may not have told your friends and family members about the breakup yet, because you’re not ready to face it and a small part of you is still hoping that maybe you’ll get back together.

Coping Strategies

These are some strategies that can help you cope with shock and denial:

• Allow yourself to feel: Stop hiding from your emotions and busying yourself with other tasks to distract yourself. Allow yourself to feel all the feels, no matter how painful they are in the moment.
• Share the news with loved ones: De Llano recommends sharing the news with your loved ones and telling them how you feel, so you can begin to process the situation.
• Adjust to your new reality: Forgetting that you’ve broken up, only to be reminded of it again and again can be painful. Allow yourself to grieve when you find yourself forgetting that things in your life are not the same anymore, says de Llano. Slowly, you will start to adjust to your new reality.
• Avoid contact with your ex: Follow the no contact rule and avoid calling and texting your ex. Stalking them on social media is off limits too, says Silva. “This habit only slows your progress because it occupies your brain with thoughts of their activities and whereabouts.” Research shows that staying in touch with your ex makes it harder to move on.

Stage 3: Anger and Resentment

In the wake of a breakup, you may feel intense anger and resentment toward your ex.

These are some of the thoughts and behaviors you may experience in this stage:

• Feeling hurt: You may feel hurt at your ex’s actions. This hurt can manifest in the form of anger, says de Llano. She explains that you may find yourself thinking: “How dare they ignore me/hurt me/leave me?”
• Picking fights: Your anger may prompt you to act out in reactive ways, such as sending hurtful messages, saying things you don’t mean, and picking fights with your ex even after the breakup, says de Llano.
• Playing the blame game: You may look for a target to direct your anger toward. You may blame your ex, yourself, or other factors for the breakup.
• Replaying past offenses: A reel of your ex partner’s offenses may play in your head on a loop. Every little thing they did to offend you over the course of your relationship can pile up and intensify your anger.
• Sending them bad vibes: You may hope and pray that misery befalls your ex, so that they can’t be happy without you.
• Destroying memories: Your anger may manifest in physical ways, prompting you to discard or destroy items that remind you of them.
• Becoming bitter: Your anger can color your view of life, making you feel bitter, cynical, and resentful toward others.

Coping Strategies

These are some strategies that can help you cope with anger and resentment:

• Sit with it: De Llano explains that it’s natural to feel angry in these circumstances. She recommends sitting with your anger, even though it’s uncomfortable, so that it can rise and fade away on its own.
• Channel your anger: It’s important to channel your anger toward healthy outlets such as exercise, art, or music, says de Llano. 
• Set healthy boundaries: Establish clear boundaries with your ex-partner to avoid any situations that may trigger your anger or resentment.
• Avoid badmouthing your ex: Avoid badmouthing your ex’s negative traits and character flaws to others as it reflects poorly on you, says Silva. She recommends using your conversations with others to focus on rebuilding yourself and not diminishing your ex.
• Seek professional help: If your anger and resentment are overwhelming, consider seeking therapy. A mental health professional can provide guidance and support as you deal with your anger.
• Forgive: Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or condoning everything that happened. Rather, it's about releasing the hold that the resentment has on you. This process can take time and it may involve forgiving yourself as well.

Stage 4: Bargaining and Negotiation

The bargaining stage is where we negotiate with ourselves and our partners ways in which we can change ourselves or our situation in order to regain the relationship, de Llano explains. “It's a grief response that helps us cope with the pain of a breakup.”

These are some of the thoughts and behaviors you may experience in this stage:

• Wishing for another chance: You might find yourself wishing for a second chance, thinking: "If only I had one more chance, things could be different."
• Promising change: You may promise your ex that you’ll change, in the hopes of getting them back. For instance, de Llano says some common promises are: “I’ll change,” “I promise things will be different this time,” or “I’ll do what you asked me to do.”
• Seeking compromises: You may try to compromise with your ex, by agreeing to attend couples therapy for example.
• Negotiating relationship terms: You may try to renegotiate relationship terms with your ex to keep them in your life, proposing friendship, friends with benefits, an open relationship, or other alternatives instead of a complete separation.
• Compromising personal values: You may compromise on your personal values, boundaries, or lifestyle choices to try and make things work with your ex-partner.

Coping Strategies

These are some strategies that can help you cope:

• Avoid reminiscing about the relationship: Although it may be difficult, try not to reminisce about the relationship because when you do that, you’re only extracting the moments of the relationship you want to remember, says Silva. “When you start to think that they should be back in your life, avoid reminiscing and weigh out the reasons that you're no longer together.”
• Don’t idealize the person: Once you’ve broken up with someone, it’s easy to over-idealize the person, says Silva. It’s important to remember both the good and the bad.
• Don’t compromise your values: Don’t compromise the values that are important to you. Remember that you can have a fulfilling relationship on your own terms with someone who shares your values.

Stage 5: Depression and Sadness

Breakups can be painful and even lead to depression.

These are some of the thoughts and behaviors you may experience in this stage:

• Overwhelming sadness: You may feel sad and low all the time, which can make it difficult to function. Even things you once enjoyed may not seem exciting anymore.
• Crying spells: You may find yourself crying frequently, triggered by memories or reminders of your relationship.
• Hopelessness: You may experience a sense of hopelessness about the future. According to de Llano, some common thoughts at this stage include: “I’ll never love again,” “I’ll be single forever,” “I’ll never be loved in the same way,” “I feel lonely,” “I can’t handle this all alone,” “I don’t know if I can go on,” or “This feels hopeless.”
• Social withdrawal: You may find yourself isolating yourself from friends and family, as socializing can feel emotionally exhausting.
• Physiological changes: You may also experience changes in appetite and sleep patterns.

Coping Strategies

These are some strategies that can help you cope with depression and sadness:

• Let yourself grieve: Understand that it's normal to grieve after a breakup. Allow yourself to mourn the loss of the relationship. “Be patient with yourself and the process,” says de Llano. Avoid putting pressure on yourself to "just get over it."
• Redirect negative thoughts: Challenge negative thoughts and replace them with more positive and balanced perspectives. For example, if you tend to think “I’ll be single and alone forever,” reframe the thought to "I'm single and this is a great opportunity for self-discovery and personal growth. I have the chance to build a fulfilling life on my terms."
• Create a self-care routine: Take care of your mental and physical health, making sure you get enough sleep, exercise, and nutrition. Do things that make you feel happy and relaxed.
• Reach out to loved ones: Lean on your closest friends and family members for comfort. “​Keep yourself surrounded by those that help you feel most supported,” says de Llano.
• Focus on the present moment: Practice mindfulness to stay present and avoid being overwhelmed by thoughts of the past or future. Meditation and journaling can help with this, says de Llano.
• Seek professional support: “In this state, it is particularly recommended that you seek the help of a professional mental health clinician who can help you navigate the loss and process the feelings of sadness,” says de Llano.

Stage 6: Acceptance and Healing

You will heal over time and eventually be able to accept the loss. 

These are some of the thoughts and behaviors you may experience in this stage:

• Embracing the new normal: You're able to recognize that the relationship has ended and accept the new normal.
• Feeling more stable: Your emotions are more stable and you’re less likely to experience sadness, anger, or regret.
• Getting closure: You're finally able to understand and accept the reasons for the breakup. This understanding gives you closure and helps you grow as a person.
• Letting go: You're able to forgive yourself and your ex, letting go of your anger and resentment.
• Being open to moving on: The idea of moving on may have been unimaginable when you first broke up, but now you feel more ready for it. According to de Llano, common thoughts at this stage include: “That was a time in my life that has run its course. It’s over now,” or “I’m moving on. They are moving on and I’m fine with it.”

Healing Strategies

These are some strategies that can help promote healing:

• Reframe the narrative: Shift the narrative of the breakup from loss to an opportunity to learn and grow. 
• Recognize your strength: Recognize the strength and resilience within you that has helped you overcome this difficult time.
• Be grateful for the relationship: Be grateful for the positive parts of the relationship—all the memories, experiences, and lessons you took away from it.
  

Stage 7: Growth and Moving On

Eventually, you will reach a frame of mind where you're ready to move on and grow as a person.

These are some of the thoughts and behaviors you may experience in this stage:

• Regaining self-esteem: You may start to regain your self-esteem, feeling more confident and sure of yourself.
• Reconnecting with your social life: You may start to reconnect with your friends and start engaging in more social activities.
• Being open to new relationships: You may feel ready to start dating again and be open to the idea of a new relationship.

Growth Strategies

These are some strategies that can help promote growth:

• Read: De Llano recommends reading about relationships and personal growth, to help you process your emotions, broaden your horizons, and grow.
• Connect with others: Cultivate a network of support that has diverse perspectives, says Silva.
• Explore new interests: Start exploring new interests. You will undoubtedly learn new things about yourself in the process.
• Travel: Visiting new places can help reset your frame of mind.

Keep in Mind

A breakup can be quite an emotional journey. Although the process can be painful, each stage is a stepping stone toward a stronger, wiser version of ourselves.

If you’ve recently been through a bad breakup, hang in there and remember that things will get better. It will take time, but one day you’ll wake up and it won’t hurt so much. Focus on practicing self-compassion and taking care of yourself in the meantime. You’ve got this!