How to Be More Emotionally Available in Your Relationships

We hear it all the time on dating apps or when we're talking about our love lives with our friends, "it didn't work out, he was emotionally unavailable" or "I'm looking for someone that's emotionally available".

Whether we've just ended a serious relationship or coping with mental health issues, being emotionally available is a state of mind that ebbs and flows. It plays a major role in determining whether or not a relationship will blossom, because if one person in a pair isn't able to connect with the other person emotionally, intimacy can't grow.

“To say a person is emotionally available means being present in a way that goes beyond physical proximity. It's about being open to truly understand, empathize, and reciprocate the emotions of others,” explains Joel Frank, PsyD, clinical psychologist and owner, Duality Psychological Services. “It refers to our ability to share an emotional connection with others and to be open to receiving their emotions in return,” he adds.

Emotional availability is a critical component in any type of relationship. But knowing what emotional availability is, and putting it into practice in your life, are two different things. We’ll give some perspective on signs of being emotionally available, insight on barriers to emotional availability, and how you can enhance the emotional health of your relationships.

Signs Someone is Emotionally Available

When you're in a relationship with someone who is emotionally available, both of your actions help to nurture a strong, healthy connection. But whether it’s a friend, coworker, spouse, or parent, there are a lot of specific indicators that someone is emotionally available. Here are some examples.

You are vulnerable

You have meaningful, in-depth conversations, and don’t shy away from things that are difficult or sensitive for you to talk about. Of course, the level of intimate conversation depends on the relationship, but you are generally comfortable being open with how you feel.

“When we are emotionally available, we give ourselves and others the space to be congruent and authentic,” explains Domenique Harrison, MPH, LMFT, LPCC, Founder & Psychotherapist, The Racial Equity Therapist. “Authenticity is about being genuinely ourselves. It's about not judging ourselves with harshness,” she adds.

You're there for someone in good times, and in bad times

A person who is willing to give of their energy and insight to support you when you’re having a rough time, is making themselves available to you emotionally.

You're not afraid to apologize

No one gets it right all the time. Taking ownership and saying you’re wrong shows a person is mature and will expend emotional energy on making a situation right. 

You show genuine interest in the other person in the relationship

Have you ever spent time talking with someone, and can hardly get a word in? They are happy to discuss their thoughts and feelings, but seem to give little regard for yours? Someone who is willing to be available to you emotionally wants to know how you’re doing and is as invested in talking about you as they are about discussing themselves. 

You honor their boundaries

When you are emotionally invested in a relationship, the other person’s boundaries matter to you. Whether it’s a mental, physical, or emotional guard that they’ve put in place, you do your best to honor it.

You show affection

Comfort levels with affection vary from person to person. But showing warmth and affection, whether through a smile or a hug, conveys that you are a person who is emotionally available and invested in the relationship.

“Regarding relationships, the importance of emotional availability cannot be overstated. It is the cornerstone of meaningful and fulfilling relationships. When someone is emotionally available, they foster a sense of security and trust with their loved ones, allowing them to express themselves freely. Such openness encourages deeper connections, fostering a bond that is strengthened over time through shared experiences and mutual understanding,” notes Dr. Frank.

Emotional availability has mental health benefits. It can help relieve stress and anxiety. It also fosters a sense of belonging.

With all those benefits, it’s worth the effort to nurture your emotional availability.

Nurturing Emotional Availability

You may recognize that you are not as well-developed in the areas of emotional availability as you would like to be. Working on your self-awareness can help with that process.

“Understanding your emotions, reactions, and triggers can greatly enhance your emotional availability. If you know why certain scenarios make you uncomfortable, you can work on addressing these issues,” Dr. Frank states.

Learning how to manage your own emotions and exercising empathy for others’ feelings can also help nurture your own emotional availability. Working through your own process may give you a greater capacity to engage others.

As you work to develop this skill, give yourself grace. Don’t try to change everything all at once; in fact, experts say working in your safety zone initially can be a good start. “Take relational risks and practice vulnerability with folks you trust: Start by taking small relational risks with the people you trust,” says Harrison.

Overcoming Barriers to Emotional Unavailability

Once you begin the process of nurturing your emotional health, having a plan to overcome problems or issues is key for yourself, and for dealing with someone who is emotionally unavailable.

Effective communication is a great start.

[Take] some time to calm down before communicating (even five deep breaths have been shown to make a difference). Figure out how you feel, and then communicate with ‘I statements’,” explain Eileen Anderson, EdD, Anne Templeton Zimmerman, MD Professor of Bioethics and Director of Educational Programs, Bioethics and Medical Humanities.

Showing empathy and patience is also important, both with yourself and others. Building your emotional vulnerability takes time and effort. And seeing the changes you desire in your relationship takes time as well.

Be clear on your boundaries. What makes you uncomfortable? What takes you more time and space to process? Insist on having those boundaries respected. Likewise, honoring those boundaries in relationships may make the other person more willing to be emotionally available to you.

And be willing to seek help if you need it. A mental health professional can help you with the tools you need to get to a healthier place emotionally.

Above all, focus on taking care of yourself physically and mentally. Being in a healthy space and practicing your own self-awareness is a critical step in the process.

“Identifying and acknowledging your emotions without judgment is an essential first step. Learning to communicate your feelings effectively, setting healthy boundaries, and practicing vulnerability are other valuable tools for fostering emotional availability,” Dr. Frank concludes.