How to Define the Relationship (DTR) and Remain Cool, Calm, and Collected

You're seeing someone new and things are going well. You like them, they like you. You’re hanging out all the time, finishing each other’s sentences, and doing cute couply things together. You realize you’re kind of in that awkward spot where you’re not just friends, but you’re not officially a couple either.

You find yourself wondering: What are we? Are we on the same page or are we in two different books altogether? You want to know where things stand, but you don’t want to scare them off. Should you let things ride, or do you finally have the talk? And even if you're ready to have “the talk,” how do you bring it up without making things weird?

Yep, we’ve all been there. It's a tricky place to be, so we tapped a couple of relationship experts to help us navigate the conversation.

“In the early stages of a relationship, it’s natural to allow things to unfold as you get to know one another and decide if formalizing the relationship is something you both want,” says Claudia de Llan, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “Eventually, however, you need to know where you stand because it gives a sense of grounding and security.”

Understanding the Need for “The Talk”

We all start off cool and casual, telling ourselves we’re just going with the flow. But then, out of nowhere, the easygoing vibe turns into an itch we can’t ignore. We need clarity, not because we want to ruin the fun, but because, deep down, we need to know where we stand. 

Here are some reasons why we might feel the need to have “the talk.”

Reduces Anxiety and Uncertainty

Let’s face it, uncertainty drives us nuts. Defining the relationship and agreeing on a label reduces uncertainty and gives us the illusion of control, says Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert.

Otherwise, we might spend a lot of time and energy overanalyzing our partner’s texts and reading into their actions to decipher how they feel—which can be incredibly draining and stressful, Dr. Romanoff adds.

Offers a Sense of Comfort and Security

It’s not that we need a five-year plan, but a little reassurance goes a long way. Knowing where we stand gives us peace of mind and lets us relax instead of constantly second-guessing things. In fact, research shows that defining the relationship helps create a sense of bonding and commitment.

Committing to each other can provide security in knowing the other person will not disappear on us or ghost us, says Dr. Romanoff. “This helps us feel protected and avoid the potential blindside.” 

Syncs Life Goals

Having the conversation can give us a rough sketch of a map, particularly if we have a destination we know we want to arrive at, such as moving in together, getting married, or having kids, says Dr. Romanoff. She explains that having the conversation and agreeing on shared goals has the potential to sync our map with our partner’s.

When we clearly define our relationships, several shifts come into play, says de Llano. “We can establish our roles, rules, and rituals that incorporate our values, needs, and expectations into the relationship.”

Creates Clarity

Whether or not we’re actively looking for something serious, no one wants to feel like they’re investing in something that’s going nowhere. “The talk” helps us figure out if we’re building something real or just treading water.

If we're in this for the long haul, great. If not, it's better to know sooner than later. Being honest about what we want helps set expectations and avoid future disappointment. Putting our cards on the table and knowing where we stand protects us from feeling taken advantage of or led on, says Dr. Romanoff.

Signs That It's Time to Have “The Talk”

Here are some signs that it may be time to have the conversation:

• You’re catching feelings: If you find yourself thinking about them non-stop, it’s a sign that your emotions have entered the picture. If you’re catching feelings, you need to know whether they’re going to land in a safe place.
• You’re not sure what to tell others: If someone asks, “Are you seeing anyone?” and you’re not sure what to say, it’s a sign that you may need some clarity.
• Things are starting to feel more serious: When casual dates turn into weekend getaways or friendly flirting becomes deep conversations, the relationship may start to feel more serious than just a fling.
• You’ve been seeing each other for a while: If you’ve been seeing each other for some time and you’re doing all the couply things together, but you haven’t discussed anything yet, it may be a good time to clear the air.
• Your friends are asking for status updates: When your friends and loved ones start asking “Sooo...what’s the deal with you guys?,” chances are you’re wondering the same thing too.
• You suspect you’re not on the same page: If one of you is thinking long-term and the other is giving “just having fun” vibes, it’s better to talk before things get confusing and someone gets hurt.

How to Have “The Talk”

If you’re gathering up your courage to have the dreaded conversation, these strategies may come in handy.

Preparing for the Conversation

Before you dive into the conversation, consider your approach. Here are some tips that can help you be more prepared:

• Check in with yourself: Spend some time reflecting on the relationship and your feelings for the person.
• Identify your goals: Do you want to take things forward, or are you just trying to figure out where things stand? Knowing what you want from the conversation will help guide the chat.
• Acknowledge your fears: Ask yourself what you’re most afraid of hearing. Acknowledge your fears but don’t let them hold you back.
• Practice what you want to say: You don’t have to write a script, but thinking about how you’ll bring it up can help you manage some of your anxiety.
• Manage your expectations: Go into the conversation with an open mind. They might feel the same way you do, or they might not. Try to manage your expectations so you’re prepared for all the possibilities.
• Prepare for different outcomes: Dr. Romanoff recommends going into the conversation with a game plan of how you will respond to the reactions they might have. She suggests asking yourself: If they aren’t interested in a relationship, will you stop seeing them? Are you more interested in a relationship than waiting around for their potential? Do you hope they will change their mind or you could convince them?

How to Initiate the Conversation

Initiating “the talk” can feel nerve-wracking, but keeping it simple and direct can make it a lot easier. Here’s how you can get the conversation started:

• Choose the right time and place: Timing is everything. Avoid having the talk when one of you is stressed, rushed, or tired. Choose a quiet, comfortable place where you won't be interrupted.
• Start on a positive note: Start with a positive statement, like, “I've been thinking a lot about us lately, and I wanted to check in with you.”
• Acknowledge the awkwardness: Sometimes the easiest way to break the ice is to call out how weird the conversation can feel. Try saying, “I know this might be a bit awkward, but I think we should talk about where we stand.”
• Share your feelings: Dr. Romanoff recommends being vulnerable and sharing how you feel. For example, you could say “I really enjoy spending time with you, and I’m not interested in seeing anyone else.”

Navigating the Conversation

Navigating “the talk” can feel tricky. These tips can help:

• Give them space to respond: De Llano recommends giving your partner time to process the conversation. “The key is to speak first about your own feelings and needs without pressuring your partner into a response.”
• Listen to their perspective: When they’re ready to talk, give them a chance to express their feelings. Listen actively and try to see things from their perspective.
• Ask clarifying questions: If their response feels vague or confusing, don’t be afraid to ask for more details. Something like, “When you say you’re just seeing where things go, does that mean you’re not ready for something serious?” can help you get more clarity.
• Acknowledge their feelings: Let your partner know you hear and understand their perspective.

Dealing With Different Outcomes

Conversations about relationships can have many different outcomes. Here’s how to handle whatever comes your way:

• If you both want to make it official: If you’re both ready to take things forward and want to make it official, chances are you’re pretty happy and excited. You can celebrate your progress and discuss what the future looks like. For example: Will you be exclusive going forward? Are you officially living together? What will you tell family and friends?
• If both of you want to keep things casual: If neither of you wants a relationship, you can decide to keep things casual. Being on the same page can be a relief.
• If they’re not ready for commitment: Fear of commitment is a common hurdle. It might sting if your partner is not ready to commit to you, but it’s better to know the truth than to keep guessing. You could say, “Thank you for being honest. It’s good to know where we stand.” Ask yourself if you’re okay with waiting for them to be ready, or if you need to move on.
• If they’re unsure: If they’re unsure, offer them some time to think. You can say, “I understand you’re still figuring things out, and I’m okay giving you some time. Let’s check back in some time and see how we feel.”
• If they’re not looking for the same thing: If their answer doesn’t align with what you need, it may mean it’s time to walk away. You deserve to be with someone who wants the same things as you. You can say, “I really like you, but I need something with more commitment, so I think we should part ways.”
• If they want more, but you’re not ready: If you’re not ready for commitment, it’s important to explain that kindly and respectfully. You can say, “I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you, but I’m not sure I’m ready for something serious right now.”

What to Do After the Conversation

Regardless of which way the conversation goes, you’re probably feeling a lot of feelings. Here’s how you can cope with them:

• Process your feelings: Take a moment to reflect on the conversation and process your thoughts. How did it make you feel?
• Decide what you want next: Are you okay with how things are, or do you need to make changes? Ask yourself what you need.
• Talk to loved ones: Sometimes a little outside perspective helps. Whether it’s a friend or family member, sharing your thoughts and feelings can help you process the outcome.
• Set boundaries: Depending on how the talk ends, you may need to adjust your boundaries. For example, if you’re taking things to the next level, you can decide what that looks like together. Or, if their response doesn’t align with your needs, you might decide to step back until you decide what works for you.
• Keep the communication flowing: Now that you’ve had the talk, keep those communication lines open. Having this conversation sets the stage for more open and honest discussions in the future.

Common Challenges and How to Overcome Them

It’s not uncommon to run into a few challenges when you’re having “the talk.” Here are some of the most common ones and how to overcome them:

• Fearing rejection: Worrying that the other person won’t feel the same can make you shy away from bringing up the issue. Instead of worrying about the worst outcome, remind yourself that it’s better to know where you stand. Be proud of yourself for being brave enough to address it, regardless of the outcome.
• Not wanting to ruin a good thing: You might worry that bringing up the conversation will make things awkward or disrupt the good thing you have going. However, a strong relationship can handle these types of conversations. The goal isn’t to rock the boat but to ensure you’re both rowing in the same direction.
• Feeling like you’re being too needy: You may worry that bringing up the conversation will make you seem too demanding, especially if the relationship is still fairly new. However, needing clarity doesn’t make you “too much”—it makes you mature and self-aware. Relationships require open communication, and the need to define things is valid.
• Wanting different things: After having the conversation, you might realize that both of you want different things. Always remember that it’s better to know one way or another than to live with the anxiety of not knowing.
• Overthinking every detail: It’s easy to get caught up in worrying about the perfect timing, the perfect words, or the perfect response. Overthinking can paralyze you from starting the conversation at all. Remind yourself that what matters most is not perfection, but your intentions. Take a deep breath, trust yourself, and begin the conversation.

Takeaways

At the end of the day, defining the relationship isn’t about rushing things or forcefully slapping on a label—it’s about making sure you’re both on the same page so no one’s left guessing. Whether it leads to a deeper connection or a realization that you're not in the same place, having “the talk” is a way of valuing yourself and your time. So, gather your courage and go for it. You’ve got this!