So, Should I Be Dating a Beta Male?

You’re dating a guy who goes with the flow for everything. He’s always cool with your restaurant, movie, and vacation choices. He listens. He’s loyal. You lead. He follows. Sounds familiar? Then you’re probably dating a beta male.

What Is a Beta Male?

What do characters like Phil Dunphy from Modern Family, Chandler Bing from Friends, and Marshall Eriksen from How I Met Your Mother have in common? They’re kind, supportive, more passive, emotionally expressive and attuned, nurturing, cooperative, and caring. All characteristics that describe a beta male, according to the pseudoscientific construct of a dominance hierarchy amongst humans.

Characteristics of a Beta Male

Tatiana Rivera Cruz, LCSW, a therapist who specializes in anxiety, depression, and other mental health conditions, says beta males can be classified as men who lack dominance. They typically have passive traits like loyalty and support that help them in relationships, work, and social situations.

Some common characteristics of beta males include the following:

• Collaborating and cooperating with others to make a decision
• Struggles with saying “no” and being firm with boundaries
• Not competitive
• Friendly and warm
• Comfortable with emotions and intimacy
• Respects leadership
• Loyal
• Does not have a big ego
• Prefers to follow and not lead
• Trustworthy and reliable

Pros and Cons of Dating a Beta Male

Dating a beta male means having a partner who’s reliable and enjoys being there for you emotionally, mentally, and physically. They won’t engage in toxic masculinity and try to impress you with toughness or dominance. You won’t have to worry about any fragile egos. They're kind, comfortable, and confident with themselves and where they’re at. All attributes that make a good partner.

However, not everyone desires a beta male in their relationship. For all their benefits, beta males have a few cons like unwillingness to take charge and poor communication.

A beta male can be the right partner, depending on the type of person you are in a relationship.

Why It Works For Some Couples

Clinical psychologist Dr. Sabrina Romanoff says a beta male partner is ideal for people who have strong opinions and enjoy being in control. Because a beta male will adapt their preferences to whomever they’re dating, they’re more compatible with a strong-minded and dominant person.

The Challenges of Dating a Beta Male

If you want a leader or protector, a beta male is not the partner for you, says Dr. Romanoff. Beta males are more comfortable in a submissive role. They want to be taken care of and would rather take directions instead of giving them.

The main challenge with dating a beta male is that may be conflict-avoidant and not straightforward with their needs. Beta males rarely put themselves first and often believe they must sacrifice their needs to preserve attachment to others. Instead of communicating clearly, they may attempt to get their needs met in indirect or passive-aggressive ways.

“Over time, the more [a beta male] prioritizes others over themselves, the more likely they will build resentment towards their partner and label them as a taker,” says Dr. Romanoff.

Beta Male vs. Alpha Male: What’s the Difference?

In Parks and Recreation, Ron Swanson is alpha and Ben Wyatt is beta. The difference is that beta males are subordinate while alpha males are dominant. Though, both are gender stereotypes based on generalized behaviors. 

Societal Expectations and Overcoming Stereotypes

Where does the concept of beta males and alpha males come from? Well, according to Dr. Romanoff, societal expectations of heteronormative relationships are to blame—there’s this idea that men are the leaders and women are the followers in relationships. However, this is rarely how most relationships operate. 

People in healthy relationships typically assume both roles, depending on the situation, individual preferences, strengths, and weaknesses. For example, one partner is best at detail-oriented tasks like planning vacations, whereas the other excels at time management and keeping schedules on track.

Societal expectations usually relate to the optics of the couple and how they present externally to the world. They don’t reflect the private interactions that occur within the relationship. People are not always alpha or beta all the time. Behaviors depend on the situation. 

Unfortunately, the expectation that men must always be leaders and in control causes them to sublimate many of their needs and suppress their emotions. Research shows that continuous emotional suppression has detrimental health effects such as an increase in cancer mortality and cardiovascular disease.

Health aside, feeling pressure to be an alpha male all the time prevents men from authentically connecting with their partners and experiencing intimacy which requires vulnerability. People who identify as beta males may feel shame and guilt for not living up to these arbitrary, rigid, and limiting stereotypes of strength and dominance.

Ultimately, these societal pressures benefit no one—not the beta and alpha males or their partners. It’s okay to be both—an alpha male and a beta male—when the situation or relationship calls for it.

Tips for Dating a Beta Male

If you’re seeking a partner who’s not afraid of commitment, confident in themselves, and open to being a supportive passenger in the relationship, a beta male sounds like the perfect match. But with any relationship, there’s going to be issues.

Maybe, your beta male partner isn’t meeting your needs and wants or communication has come to a head. Whatever the case, before you throw in the towel, try applying these dating strategies to your relationship and beta male partner.

Dealing With Criticism

Dr. Romanoff notes a relationship only needs to make sense to the two people in it. Everyone projecting criticism is speaking through the bias of their life experiences and prejudice. Instead of focusing on them, consider why their criticism is resonating with you and why you need the approval of others. 

“Usually, we seek from others what we cannot give to ourselves,” she says. “Consider why it might be important to attach your worth to the image of a strong and powerful man. Perhaps you are outsourcing your perceived lack of power or value to the man you believe you need to attach yourself to.”

Communication Strategies

It’s important to practice active listening, have open and honest communication, and avoid dominating the conversation when you’re talking with a beta male. Give them your full attention and reflect their thoughts and feelings. Use “I” statements when talking about your needs and approach conflict with a calm, curious, collaborative, and mutually respectful attitude.

Balancing Power

A balanced relationship needs to have trust, respect, and equality. Involve your partner in decisions and show that you value their opinions. Bring up their strengths and talk about their past successes to build confidence. Help them grow by respecting their personal space and encouraging them to take the lead in areas where they feel comfortable. 

Emotional Support 

When your partner is going through a tough time, be empathetic and offer comfort by using positive reinforcement. Beta males are sensitive to non-verbal communication. Be mindful of your positive body language and tone of voice. Use a reassuring touch to show affection and support. This can help strengthen the emotional bond between you two.

Keep in Mind

Sometimes, a relationship ends because of incompatibility. If nothing seems to help improve the relationship, Cruz recommends analyzing whether the relationship is worth saving. If both parties are willing to work to improve the relationship, consider couples therapy. Licensed professionals are much more adept at navigating relationship conflict and getting partners back on track.

“[Determine whether] the beta male’s traits are manageable or not,” Cruz says. “Some males are aware of their traits and [open] to work on them. Meanwhile, others are unwilling to change because it is not a problem for them. Every relationship is different and needs to be analyzed by all parties to determine a solution.”