Agape Love: The Art of Loving Unconditionally

Your dog means everything to you. He’s cute and cuddly and always there when you need him, and you love him. But it’s not the same way that you love your sister, or how you love your spouse. And it’s definitely not the way you love to watch football or read a good book. In fact, the Greek language has several different words that speak to different types of love.

“Eros love focuses on passion, [and] is wrapped in attraction and desire. Storge love is a brotherly love, where affection is reciprocal. In Ludus, love, fun, and adventure are its purpose, combined with physical attraction,” explains Aura De Los Santos, a Clinical Psychologist.

Agape love, however, is less focused on you and more focused on those around you.

“Agape love goes beyond physical attraction and desire because it thinks of others first. It does not focus on what it will receive but always satisfaction in giving and seeing how others feel,” Del Los Santos states. “In one of his works, the Greek philosopher Plato refers to the different types of love, with agape love being the most selfless and unconditional type of love.”

Often, agape love is referred to as the highest form of love because of its selfless ideals. It’s a historic concept for love that has endured to have a lasting impact.

Understanding Agape Love

First used in the 1600s, agape (pronounced ah-gah-pay) is a Greek word that means “brotherly love, charity.” Agape love is used heavily in Christianity and describes “the love of God for man and the love of man for God.” The word agape became synonymous with a meal associated with the Lord’s supper that was held by early Christians. They called the meal a “love feast.”

Keeping with its original purpose of charity and unselfish giving, agape’s definition has grown.

"The provider of agape love gives selflessly, expansively, and intentionally for the vitality of the receiver. Individuals who provide agape have a felt sense of loving responsibility and devotion [to] the receiver; they do not expect anything in return for their love," she says.

While many kinds of love can have similar characteristics, the traits of agape love are unique:

• Agape love is filled with kindness and wants only the best for the other person.
• Agape love accepts others unconditionally, with no expectations of being reciprocated.
• Agape love sacrifices for the good of the other person. It can sometimes even be viewed as a thankless type of love.
• Agape love is not envious, proud, or boastful.
• Agape love is patient, giving others grace. It doesn’t hold grudges.

“Agape is a way to love someone that accepts and embraces the wholeness of each person without reservation,” notes Daniel Boscaljon, PhD, Executive Coach and Founder of the Healthy Workplace Academy. "It's intimate, able to recognize and appreciate someone’s wholeness—even if that person can’t."

The entire mindset behind agape love is selfless sacrificial service to others. While it may seem a lofty ideal, striving to exhibit this type of love can have a positive impact on your relationships, on your environment, and on society at large.

The Impact of Agape Love

We don’t live in an ideal world. People are human, and even the most disciplined, selfless individuals have rough days. But if you’re striving to think of others, be a considerate, kind person who exercises compassion, and someone who works to show others agape love, it can have a positive impact on you physically, emotionally, and mentally.

“Agape love improves physical well-being because it eliminates much of the unneeded stress caused by repression and rigidity,” says Dr. Boscaljon. “Because they experience agape love for themselves, it leads to a deep sense of true acceptance and belonging that leads to mental wellness,” he adds. “The practice also improves someone’s emotional well-being, offering a sense of deep connection and meaningful belonging to each situation.”

Cultivating Agape Love

The popular “pay it forward” idea, where you’re in a fast-food line and pay for the person behind you without their knowledge, is a relatable example of agape love in action. Watching a person in the grocery store line struggle to pay for their items and stepping up to provide payment with no motive other than wanting to help, is a gesture that shows agape love.

Putting aside what you’re doing to listen to someone who is going through a hard time or who is lonely is an act that demonstrates agape love.

When you extend that type of generosity into your relationships—whether it’s your friends, parents, siblings, or significant other—it can have a revolutionary impact that extends beyond you.

“A commitment to agape love can absolutely transform one’s relationship with [oneself] or others,” Dr. Boscaljon states. “The power of respectful acceptance overcomes feelings of guilt, shame, and hopelessness in one’s own life. It enhances a sense of communion and community. It can then extend this to others in meaningful and empowering ways,” he concludes.