ADHD and Toxic Relationships

Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a common neurodevelopmental disorder characterized by patterns of hyperactivity, inattention, impulsivity, restlessness, or a combination of all of these.

Now, while building and maintaining relationships can be difficult for everyone, those with ADHD can encounter some unique challenges. For example, they may be seen as poor listeners due to being forgetful and distracted. Additionally, people with ADHD can display high novelty-seeking tendencies, which can sometimes lead them into toxic relationships when compared to the rest of the population.

As a result, this article will explore the ways relationships are impacted by ADHD, the link between ADHD and toxic relationships, as well as the signs to look out for, and some tips for breaking the cycle.

Toxic Relationships Suck the Life Out of You

A toxic relationship can be understood to be any relationship that leaves a person feeling like their well-being is being threatened psychologically, emotionally, and even physically.

The Link Between ADHD and Toxic Relationships

While there is a range of ADHD symptoms, the ones commonly impacting relationships are emotional dysregulation, inattentiveness, impulsivity, forgetfulness, and disorganization.

This isn’t to say that everyone with ADHD will face all of these challenges; however, for those with more severe symptoms, these are the ones that can impact a person’s ability to communicate effectively, regulate emotions, and seem present in the relationship. As a result, in some cases, the combination of these symptoms can make a partner unintentionally take on a parental role.

Furthermore, these issues can also be exacerbated in relationships where an individual’s ADHD is undiagnosed; thus, the perceived lack of commitment and attentiveness is perceived as a personal failing instead of behavior exacerbated due to a lack of symptom management. As a result, these relationships can begin to foster symptoms of toxicity and display unhealthy patterns.

Why Are People With ADHD More Susceptible to Abuse?

People with ADHD can be highly susceptible to toxic relationships for various reasons. For example, a history of child abuse and a higher need for dopamine can make them more vulnerable to toxic relationships.

History of Child Abuse or Neglect

An important factor for this increased risk of engaging in toxic relationships is childhood trauma. For example, previous research has estimated that individuals with ADHD were over six times more likely to report being physically abused in childhood than those without it. In addition, a 2018 meta-analysis also found a significant association between ADHD symptoms and experiences of child maltreatment.

Regarding the long-term effect of abuse, an alternate 2018 study on twins also found strong associations between abuse, neglect, and ADHD in childhood. However, they also found that this often led to an increased risk of these individuals experiencing abuse later on in life.

Higher Need for Dopamine

For people with ADHD, stimulating and enjoyable activities hold their attention best. This is because their brains have a dysfunctional reward system, and the release of dopamine keeps them alert, focused, and productive. So how does this translate in relationships?

Relationships in which one person has ADHD tend to have an intense beginning due to people with ADHD having an affinity for those who are expressive, emotionally intense, and spontaneous.

Even though initial intensity in dating isn’t necessarily a bad thing, abusive relationships — where gaslighting and love bombing take place — also often begin the same way.

Someone with ADHD may be drawn to people who appear confident and well-put-together and miss out on signs that the other person is controlling and manipulative. And this is why pursuing relationships that cause hyper-fixations and deep feelings of infatuation can result in problems down the line.

ADHD and Intimate Partner Violence

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) defines intimate partner violence (IPV) as "Abuse or aggression that occurs in a romantic relationship." This type of abuse can be physical, sexual, psychological/emotional, or involve stalking — and it varies in severity and occurrence. Additionally, previous experiences of violence and maltreatment are documented risk factors for subsequent IPV.

Keeping this in mind, it is clear that people with ADHD are at an increased risk of experiencing IPV due to the high likelihood of encountering abuse and neglect in childhood — the research confirms this, too.

Signs of a Toxic Relationship

As a reminder, even healthy relationships will have periods of toxicity or display unhealthy patterns — particularly during times of increased stress or conflict. However, what makes a toxic relationship distinct is that these issues are persistent and occur long-term.

Therefore, it is crucial to be aware of the behaviors the relationship displays and the frequency with which they occur.

Here are some toxic behaviors and traits to be aware of:

• Abusive — this is also inclusive of physical abuse, financial abuse, and emotional abuse behaviors, such as gaslighting, love bombing, breadcrumbing, etc.
• Controlling behavior and distrust
• Dishonest
• Disrespectful
• Hostility
• Inconsistency
• Insecurity
• Jealousy
• Negativity
• Selfishness
• Toxic communication — such as contempt, criticism, and sarcasm
• Unsupportive

Coping With a Toxic Relationship

When it comes to coping with a toxic relationship, there is no single approach that works universally. This is because relationships are dynamic and unique to those within the partnership. That said, there are various general ways people can protect themselves and cope within them.

Ask Yourself If the Relationship Is Fixable, Remembering That It’s Ok To Leave

In some instances, toxic relationships can be repaired — that said, it is also essential to know when a relationship has run its course. One way to figure this out is by checking to see if everyone in the relationship is committed to making things work. This involves changing unhealthy behaviors, respecting each other’s boundaries, and even seeking help from a therapist.

Nevertheless, in instances where a commitment to change is continually broken, the relationship has probably run its course. In this case, breaking the cycle would mean finally letting go.

Be Assertive With Your Boundaries And Needs

While open and honest communication seems easy in theory, it can sometimes feel challenging — particularly for those who weren’t allowed to assert themselves growing up. However, for a relationship to work, both parties must feel heard, secure, and protected.

Shift Your Perspectives

Regarding arguments, it is important not to communicate in a way that blames another person. Instead, a healthier way to communicate would highlight mutual understanding and learning.

That said, recognizing past behaviors is also vital. Therefore, there needs to be a mutual acceptance of responsibility. Not only will these two changes aid in creating healthier communication habits, but they’ll also indicate and reflect self-awareness and self-responsibility.

Find Outside Support

While people often turn to couples counseling to fix a relationship, having individual therapy (in tandem or before) could also be highly beneficial for the relationship and general personal well-being of those involved.

Now, there is nothing wrong with wanting to fix the relationship; however, individual therapy has the bonus of allowing individuals to work on themselves and any attachment issues linked to childhood. Healing individually can also help people recontextualize their dating habits, patterns, and desires and open them up to healthier relationships overall.

That said, there are other forms of support to consider, too; these include support groups, local and online communities, classes, and engagement with work created by others who have gone through a similar situation.

How to Break Toxic Patterns

The first step in breaking any pattern is realizing that you’re in one, and it is a lot easier to do this when you can accept the situation without shame or guilt.

Additionally, it may also be helpful to do an internal catalog of previous relationships to determine if similar relationship dynamics have previously appeared. This awareness of previous habits can also offer a possible avenue of inner work that needs to take place.

It is important to note that many people with ADHD experience high levels of rejection sensitivity, and this can lead to instances where they overreact, misinterpret, or distort what other people say and do. Rejection sensitivity can also result in intense feelings of rejection and grief over a relationship ending — and sometimes make individuals reluctant to end a relationship out of this fear.

Working with a licensed mental health professional could be beneficial for these individuals. They may recommend cognitive-behavioral therapy or offer tools to work on any triggers.

Final Thoughts

It is important to note that in some instances, toxic relationships may not be easy to point out, and it may take some time to notice the signs.

Additionally, these types of relationships are found not only in romantic partnerships but also in friendship groups, workplaces, and even educational institutions. Therefore, it is essential to be mindful of the signs and consider ending the relationship or creating more distance by limiting contact.

That said, if you are dealing with abuse, it is vital that you get help right away. Remember, some relationships are only meant to last a season, and leaving doesn’t mean you wasted time. Leaving is always an option.