A Relationship Coach Shares Why It's Harder to Get Over a Situationship

I once ended a seven-year relationship that upended everything I knew: I quit my job, left New York, and immersed myself in therapy. Later, I found myself in a situationship and head-over-heels smitten. I really liked him. Over several weeks, we went on back-to-back dates that lasted for hours. He went out of town to go on a retreat and I waited at home, buzzing with excitement for our next hangout. When he returned, he called to cut things off. 

Our final conversation was quick and kind—he was dating someone else and he wanted to know her better. Besides, we didn’t live in the same city and I was getting over a relationship so it seemed reasonable. We wished each other well and never spoke again. Although I barely knew him, what surprised me was how hard the pain of the situationship hit. For a long time, I struggled getting over the fact that I wasn’t being chosen by him. In comparison to getting over my long-term ex, grieving this seemed more difficult. 

Turns out, I’m not alone. The universal agony of situationships has taken over TikTok, with many people discussing why they’re often harder to get over than long-term relationships. Let’s explore why situations can be challenging to move on from, and how you can find closure. 

The Difference Between a Relationship and a Situationship

A relationship typically involves a defined commitment often with exclusivity, clear communication, long-term planning, and reciprocal effort. There’s been mutual work invested and continually invested to build and deepen trust, vulnerability, and accountability. You may discuss your shared future openly, thus creating a generous sense of support and security. 

Since boundaries are so hazy, situationships are often spontaneous, ambiguous, and undefined. There’s sporadic or shallow communication, little emotional availability or responsibility, and likely unmatched expectations that are often not shared or discussed. At its best, you’ll feel the euphoric highs of the honeymoon stage. Every interaction with them feels raw, alive, unpredictable, freeing, and fun. You never know what’s happening next. At its worst, it’s exactly that. You never know what’s happening next.  

Why the End of a Situationship Can Hurt More Than a Relationship Breakup

Both relationship and situationship breakups can be painful and disorienting. But what makes a situationship uniquely sting can be its unexpected nature. I went into a hookup looking to have fun and walked out feeling like I wasn’t good enough. 

I’ve worked with many clients who couldn’t give themselves the permission to grieve their situationship as they did their long-term relationship. Because of its brief nature and limited intimacy, they struggled validating their sadness which complicated the emotional release. This stuck energy, among many other reasons, is why ending a situationship can be acutely painful.

Here are a few other reasons why:

• Situationship breakups can blindside you. Often, relationships don’t end unexpectedly, and there’s typically some awareness of ongoing problems before one of you decides it no longer works. When my long-term relationship ended, my sadness was mixed with a weighty sense of relief. The writing had been on the wall for a while, allowing me to grieve the breakup long before it happened. With a situationship, the ending can happen as quickly as it began. It’s hard to prepare. The reasons for the breakup can be mysterious, short, and unknown. So, you’re left with more unanswered questions and what-ifs. 
• You feel like you don’t have “relationship rights.” A relationship breakup is entitled to a certain level of care. You often feel an obligation to be honest, caring, and understanding about why you’re ending a long commitment. However, a situationship may feel like you don’t have the privilege to ask for a closure conversation. Because the situationship is undefined, the expectation of care is not as strong leaving you to make sense of what happened privately, sometimes with feelings of shame and confusion.
• You can feel isolated in your hurt. When you’re ending a relationship with your partner, your friends and family will likely show empathy and understanding, rallying to support you through this transition. They may be more likely make space to wipe your tears, take your phone calls, and drag you out of the house for companionship. A situationship can feel different. Your friends may know some details of what’s going on, but may not be aware of its complete significance to you. Or you may not feel comfortable reaching out for fear of judgment or embarrassment, leaving you to move through your feelings on your own.
• You may be in denial. In a relationship, you are more likely to give yourself permission to feel your feelings and grieve all that has been lost after a breakup. However, in a situationship, there’s often a desire to play it cool and downplay your interest and emotional investment. You may not have explicitly shared your true feelings with that person or yourself. When a situationship ends, you might struggle to feel and express the full depth of your sadness because doing so would require admitting how much it truly mattered to you. Subsequently, the mourning is interrupted as the sadness felt cannot be processed if it is not first acknowledged.
• You don’t know them that well. In a relationship, the masks eventually come off and you’re able to see the other person clearly for who they are. The breakup can be bittersweet but there’s confidence in the decision. In a situationship, you may not know the other person deeply and project idealistic qualities onto them. Because a situationship is part of an incomplete love story, there’s a tendency to put them on a pedestal making it more difficult to recover from.
• You’re fantasizing about them. A relationship has run its course, often long after its honeymoon stage. A situationship is rich with epic highs and lows, without much movement outside of the anxiety. The fling can still be anything because of its short length and low intimacy, so the premature ending feels potent with meaning. The possibilities haven’t been pruned away yet, so you can’t stop thinking and ruminating about them and what could have been.

How to Find Closure in the Breakup

In my perspective, situationships and breakups follow a similar process. Regardless of the depth of emotion you experience, leaving someone you care about can profoundly affect your heart and well-being. Studies show experiencing a breakup leads to depression vulnerability and stress-related coping.

Do what you need to feel better after a breakup. Get support from your loved ones, journal, eat ice cream in bed, cry to purge the sadness, talk to your therapist, and allow the grief to move at its pace. Take time to reflect on the breakup, what you’ve learned from the time shared, and what you want and don't want to experience moving forward.

When you’re able to accept the truth of what you wanted in your situationship, it can enable you to express the complete sadness you need. Only then can you move onto other parts of your healing to let go of them and what you hoped they would mean to you and move on. 

Most importantly, afford yourself the non-judgmental grace of grieving your situationship. Your feelings are valid and you can take time to get over the breakup the way you need. 

Keep in Mind

Situationships are notorious for their casual, commitment-free nature. Just because it’s meant to be light-hearted with low investment, doesn’t mean that it won’t hurt when they’re no longer a part of your life. Denying yourself that experience can make situationships feel more painful than they actually are. 

Give yourself the permission to experience your feelings in their full spectrum. Your emotions are a guide, teaching you more about yourself and how to connect with others. Embracing what comes up with curiosity and compassion can provide valuable lessons about your emotional and relational needs and how you want to show up in your relationships in the future.